Thursday, December 20, 2007
i guess i'll never understand it. for those of you that know me, you know that i'm not exactly musically inclined. despite the bulk of my friends being lovers of music... you will not find me scanning old vinyl at boo boo's or pre-ordering kanye's new cd, and you def will not hear me singing, let alone playing any sort of musical instrument.
perhaps you could trace it back to my childhood. i'm sure my parents (like all parents) loved to say, "she's so musical!" yeah, like what kid doesn't start moving and smiling when music comes on. despite my general apathy, i do recognize it is a beautiful thing.
it could have began in those early elementary days when i was blacklisted to the triangle. i think once in fourth grade when it was an option to "be in the band," i toyed with idea of picking up the sax, or was it the flute? fast forward to sixth grade- my friends and i (by default) always had the radio tuned to sly 96- for all of the day's hits. everyone would be talking about the new kids, and hammer, sir mix a lot... i even remember when my dad took me to the warehouse to buy my first cd- i thought it was a pretty big deal as he slid across the $15 bucks for the new (perhaps only?) young mc. and of course, the big concerts at the mid-state fair. i was there screaming my head off with the rest of em... boyz to men, montell jordan... (you get the picture)
i also recall a young teenager locked in her room as she listened to her brothers too short cd- and being absolutely terrified, disgusted and enthralled all at the same time.
yet as the high school days passed and my superficial taste for music continued to wane... i saw my friends becoming increasingly interested... they were always talking about the latest songs, and some to my amazement were even in a band! then i entered college, where it was really cool to be into something called "indy" music- i don't even know if that's how you spell it... and you didn't go to concerts anymore... you went to "shows." i think it was around this time, i stopped even trying to pretend to be interested. i found kjug and the dial hasn't changed.
yet i do admit, every once in a while i find myself so intrigued by this music thing.. especially those that play it. the other night i happened to find myself at the clubhouse in los osos... (i really wish i could tell you more about this osos hot spot- but its kind of on the dl..) so anyway, we walk up, forgetting that its a friday night (cause all days are the same when you have kids, and all nights are the same when you live in los osos). we walk up to discover that there is "live music." wow! i guess that's supposed to be a good thing. anyway amidst a firestone (on draft) and some good missionary talk with zurby and lealah, i find myself absolutely captivated by these two guys playing music. i've seen this before many times... it happens when no one is singing and the guys are just playing their instruments- and they are just sooo in the zone-- just jamming i guess. but i guess it's the look on their faces- it's like what they are creating is so powerful and passionate - like they're just going to burst with joy. so in my little finite mind, i'm trying to liken it to something i've experienced- like draining a 3 at the buzzer, or giving birth... or if we're along those lines... sometimes it almost seems like it could be as good as sex.
so all you musicians- could you shed some light on this for me... cause if its anything like those above things... i just might have to pick it up- any openings for the triangle out there?
Monday, November 19, 2007
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Here are some pictures from the vacation, some of the first ones you see are just from around the house and the harvest festival that snuck in... you will be able to tell when the cabo ones come up, due to the amount of skin (lily's) showing... not to many naki ones this time!!! she's becoming quite modest in her old age...
well, we had a very successful vacation... it was, perhaps, our best yet.
things we've learned from past vacations:
-the perfect amount of time to vacation with kids - 5 days.
-flying out of SLO is def worth the extra money
-benedryl really does knock em out (we didn't have to use it this time, but we have in the past!)
-toddlers love airplanes
-oz flies great even with an ear infection
-it's worth paying to stay somewhere, rather than trying to save a buck and stay with friends who live in a trailer--- j/k we wouldn't have stayed with them!
-cabo is the perfect distance to fly with kids
-never, ever go to cabo in july, august or september. late october is perfect weather wise
- going on vacation with other people who have kids is a win win
gosh, so much to say about the vacation... we'll start with the highlights...
-the kids flew great
-their colds seem to disappear in mexico- but returned upon arrival...
-the boys and shelley getting really good waves- this is a true highlight, b/c in true rodgers fashion, B never gets good waves on vacation
-having a professional photographer on vacation with us... thanks si!
-going out to eat with 6 adults and 6 kids- you can imagine the chaos
-watching elias fearless in the water- shore pound and all
-seeing max shred at swimming
-forgetting oz was even with us, cause he was so mellow
-lily wanting max and owen around, but never wanting them to touch any of her babies
-Jeramiah and Simon catching a fish by merely using a childrens play bucket
- the kids being in awe of the fish, and lily naming it nemo- how original
-simon, who does not drink, mastering the art of pina colodas for the rest of us to indulge
-shelley making some amazing sashimi with the freshest ahi around
-having my husband around for 5 days straight!
-lily watching cinderella and telling Brandon that she wants to wear a "real pretty dress" and marry him when she gets older
-the kids sleeping really well in the condo- thanks to the black hole bedroom
-the evening swim our last night there
-no montezuma's revenge for anyone
-getting a couple's massage with... shelley???
-getting my bronze on
hmmm, i guess that's all i got for now.
all in all, thanks pollards and especially blackwells for a very memorable and radical vacation!
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
that's right, school? me? for those of you that know me- which consists of anyone reading this- you know that academia and me aren't so snug. we flirt, but there has never been any real intimacy- until as of late.
i often think about my future- hee hee, not really. most days i think about how i can finagle some sort of break from my kids; or figure out a way to get lily to eat- anything; or long for some sort of holiday. having young kids really puts you "in the now," which is why i am very concerned about my future (and you should be too!). It is so incredibly easy to see how we can get lost in our kids- becoming a hover mother doesn't seem so absurd these days. we come to realize how much these little guys need us, and we love being able to be that for them- so, consequently, our own hobbies, interests, relationships and overall self begins to disintegrate. and before we know it they are grown up, gone. and we find ourselves standing in the kitchen thinking, "what just happened, and who the hell am i anyways???"
we are all familiar with the age old mid-life crisis, and it is seeming more obvious than ever that kids leaving home is def a main factor. so why not be pro-active now right???
i'm not so sure that i found the answer to my quandary, but for whatever reason, i am aware of the above dilemma. i guess it seems like pursuing something for me just might alleviate some future frustrations. as i considered how i could get to know myself again, i realized that time away from my kids was my best bet. i looked around and saw that a few of my friends were going back to work- which didn't sound like fun at all. cause really, i already have a job- i am a realtor- and very available for any of you (wink, wink). but anyways my job is sporadic at best, and though i do enjoy it, it def doesn't inspire me. so, the other day when my mom was over, she was going on and on about how great my kids are, and how swell life is, and how she is living her dream- which is awesome b/c i would seriously have gone insane without her- but anyway she seemed to think i was living my dream as well. which, is def true, i guess... well not really. as an angst filled teenager, the thought of a white picket fence, or as we do in los osos- trash and non-operative vehicles in our front yard- wasn't exactly what i had in mind. the "amerian dream" was not something for this innovative soul. i wasn't sure what it looked like, but 2.7 kids and the walk-in closet was not for me. then i became a christian, and my priorities changed and i naturally fell into this role. which, by the way, i adore. i am so thankful for two healthy, happy kids and the ability to stay home with them- yet, i keep finding myself asking... there is more isn't there?
so, with a little encouragement from my friends, i have begun this process... i'll fill y'all in on some details later, but in the meantime- just keep reminding me about it- you guys are kind of my accountability, cause i have been known- probably just once or twice- to start something and not finish... so with that said, be a friend, would ya?
Monday, September 24, 2007
cheesy as it may be, its well worth your while.
i'm so big time that last night at Giuseppe's the waiter said, "weren't you on the news last week?" i offered him an autograph, but he passed. weird.
anyway, i am featured on the avilas blog, so in case you missed it there, here's your chance.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Friday, September 7, 2007
Thursday, August 9, 2007
It was a simple as that, and i was just struck. to think she experienced something outside of our little world was so baffling to me. not only did she experience it, she liked it- and i wasn't even there to share it. i know it seems silly, and really pretty inconsequential. but for the first time in my life with lily, i kind of felt like an outsider. somehow i know it won't be the last time. just a reminder, i suppose, to cherish the mundane- even if it means a new type of cracker- it's still just ours.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
when we got our dog emma lou, commonly called lou lou, i was so deeply in love. she was our baby. we tucked her in every night, walked her multiple times a day, fed her, gave her pigs ears, let her ride up front in our car. lou lou suddenly filled/fullfilled every maternal desire i had- granted i was 5 months pregnant- but you get the point. she was our baby. then the gooser came- lily was born. i remember being in the hospital and being so worrried about emma lou- thinking how lonely she must feel and how her world was going to change probably for the worse. the feelings lasted for awhile, till lily started needing it to be more quiet when she slept. our once praised for her cute bark hound dog instantly became a seal barking through a megaphone. suddenly lily's naps became the single most influential event to my sanity, and a red bone hound was nothing but a nuisance. it was sad, and i remember feeling conflicted about my new found feelings for my dog, but slowly and surely my affections for emma lou dissapated.
lily was my world, my everything for quite some time. we were best friends. we had our own little schedule, we'd sleep in (sometimes), have breakfast, walk/run, go to town- go shopping, go to traders - you get it, we did everything together. i was so taken with her, and was so excited to have this little girl as my best friend... forever, much like my mom and i. i knew things would change when oliver came along, but all through my pregnancy my affections remained the same, i couldn't even imagine loving another kid so much. i had so much anxiety the last month of pregnancy with ozzy. i was so nervous about how lily would feel and react once he came along. the night we left for the hospital, brandon went upstairs to change and i went into the bathroom and just burst into tears cause i was so distressed and heartbroken that lily's world would change forever- and seemingly in a hard way. and yet, once again my anxiety proved futile as lily responded in the most positive way to the new guy. she loved him from the beginning and has yet to lash out in anger or frustration towards him. i truly am so thankful.
fast forward 3 months. we are all in the groove of the new baby. lily is rapidly becoming to terribly two, and oliver is really coming into his own skin. i began to notice my feelings for lily changing, i was becoming a lot less patient. before, probably to a fault, i did everything i could to maximize her happiness and comfort- (ie accomodate naps, food, playtime, etc) now i had to facilitate oz into the mix of it all. suddenly ozzy would start crying in the car and then lily would start to whine, and i would become so irritated with lily, like all the crying, olivers included, was her fault. i realized, with the help of a friend, i had come to place unrealistic expectations on my toddler. suddenly she was like an adult- and capable of so much more than a 2 year old. unconscioulsy i had made it so all her crying and whining could only be tolerated to a point- a short point for that matter. when she would throw a little fit or be bratty i found myself so annoyed. but as i considered it more, i wasn't annoyed or irritated at her, i was frustrated and really sad i guess, that i would have to even have those feelings for once the sweet love of my life. it's a trippy thing to sometimes not like your kid. i can only imagine what it would be like to have a collicky baby and have those feeling so early on. it's so hard to pin down. it's not like you don't like your bratty child, its that your mad you even have to have negative emotions towards this little love of your life. can you really be mad at your own feelings and then have them negatively manifest themself onto your toddler...? i may be going in circles here, but i think my point is spoken.
what i do know is i love these babies... (even emma lou). i never knew that thier happiness would supercede any of my own wants or desires. its beautiful thing to experience so much love this side of heaven. i'm so thankful that God didn't have to divide my love in half when oz was born, he simply doubled it.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Monday, June 18, 2007
4) a bowl for salad
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
"one mark of christian authenticity is discontentment with anything less than all the fullness of God"
"i feel like my parents in the late 80's" brandon tells me as we are driving home from church. having not known his parents in the late 80's- i still know exactly what he meant. it's that place of not outright sin, but def not full of passion and longing for God- it's just kind of going through the motions. i'm gonna get right to the point this time, i have been trying to skirt around it this entire blog, but today is the day... i am lacking intimacy with God. i've got all the excuses and justifications- parenting, nursing, 2 small children, time, apathy. it's all there and all real, but not they do not exonerate me from walking closely with the God i love.
i've been trying to put my finger on it for awhile... using words like "evolved, or matured, or season" to justify my current state, but i don't think it really matters or helps. sometimes i think its about time, like when, and how do i find time for a "quiet time." But it's deeper than that- its off my radar. i'm not craving intimacy with God, as a matter of fact, i'm really not craving intimacy with anyone- i am brimming with affections- if i'm not nursing (which really when am i not- my son is starving) i'm cuddling my toddler, or trying to love on my husband. physically, i am complete. mentally, i'm lacking. i find in the few minutes of alone time i have, i want to loose myself in a novel- about to start anna karenina (anyone want to read it with me?) - or guiltily want to watch ellen- seriously she is so stinkin funny. what i don't feel like doing is getting out the old bible.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Monday, May 14, 2007
Friday, April 20, 2007
" ...I was driving to work this morning and felt an overwhelming sense of anger toward the Virginia tech. shooter...so much so that it made a deep impact on me...I cannot remember a time in my life where I have felt something so visceral and had such full and complete disdain towards another person. I felt so intensely the need to vent my aggression, to rip the steering wheel clean off in my hands would have been a start, to scream from the depths of my gut would have been healing to a degree, to bloody my hands on that boys face would have been a small shred of justice for my own anger and hurt. And look at me, how connected am I to what happened? I am a person, on the other side of the united states, connected to those who perished by the common thread of sheer humanity. I want to identify with the victims, not as students, not as US citizens, but on an honest level...on a human level, on a level that acknowledges the eternity of the soul; and believe me, that is the only comfort in this whole thing at this point...vengeance is in the hands of the Lord, and the fact that that boys soul will spend an eternity in hell, and that his suffering will be unsearchable in its extremity and eternity is so strangely comforting to me."
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
I won't get into to many details, because I wouldn't do it justice anyway. But the gist of it could best be described by my main man and potentially my last life's soul mate... steinback- "...and of course, people are interested only in themselves. If a story is not about the hearer he will not listen. And here I make a rule- a great and lasting story is about everyone or it will not last. The strange and foreign is not interesting- only the deeply personal and familiar" (east of eden).
Now that I have kids, I feel this new intensity for any injustice to them. It tears at my insides and makes my heart ache to not only hear about orphans, but to see them. The orphans, or foster kids- whatever you want to call them- on todays oprah really got me thinking about my own kids.
I'm kind of one of those people who likes to savour things- some might call it hording. Like 'Lost' for example. When we get a disc from Netflix - it has 4 episodes on it. Brandon is ready to sit down and watch all 4 that first night. Not me, I want to watch two, and then save the other two. Or better watch just one and then it'll last longer. I do it with ice cream too, use a real small spoon so it lasts longer. I remember when we were living over in Scotland- we didn't have any money so everything - from food to movies- any indulgence was such a treat. The smallest thing or event was such a treasure- a new shirt, going out to eat- you get the point. That's what I saw on oprah- kids savouring everything- this lady started a charity where she donated pajama's to foster kids- most of these kids had never owned their own pair of pj's - some didn't even know what they were. Can you imagine? Lily loves pj's - in fact - it's one of my very favorite things to buy her. It's like the closest you can get to buying coziness. So what a perfect way to show these kids without much cuddling in their lives love and comfort. Their very own pj's- I just picture these kids wearing the heck out of their little pajamas- whereas I wash lily's every time she wears them... she could care less about them
Oprah went deeper than pj's though- she found this other guy who donated books to a remote village in Nepal- and was so affected by the experience- he quit his high brow job and spends all his time building libraries and schools for the world. Images flashed of these little barefoot kids just relishing their one little book that probably wasn't even in their language.
Seeing this made me want to throw all of lily's toys and pj's for that matter away and just keep one toy and one book and so on... just so she would cherish her possessions the way these kids do. Yet it was bigger than that - I look around my house, and in my closet and see all my 'stuff.' Each thing seemed so important when I bought it- yet most of it now doesn't even get a second glance. When we moved back from Scotland we didn't have anything. No furniture, no dishes, no nothing. Morgan of all people, gave us a couch. I use to look at that couch and think it was so cool and so nice and I would sit in it and feel so thankful for it. Now I complain it's not big enough and its outdated. And its not just the couch- it's everything. I've become so dissatisfied. Always looking for the next purchase, the next vacation, the next raise etc. How do I get back to the novelty of a used sofa... but more importantly, how do I get my kids to love and cherish that one book and that one pair of jammies...
I know it goes back to Jesus- doesn't it always, and if you tell me its the verse about selling all my possessions, I'm just not sure I'm ready... but seriously if anyone else has any ideas- throw em out there. My heart needs to change...
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Monday, March 26, 2007
I guess I just always assumed my daughter would be my best friend- with my mom being my best friend, it seemed natural. I know there are no guarantees, so I always say I need to have at least one more girl in case one of them doesn't like me... As I've already expressed, having kids is a pretty powerful thing. And for me, having a daughter seems even crazier. When we found out we were expecting a little girl, I was shocked. Though I didn't tell many people, I was really surprised, I thought- and honestly kind of hoped we would have a boy. For reasons I couldn't quite place. I remember coming home from the ultrasound, and feeling sort of morose. As I considered it further, I realized that I felt such a tremendous responsibility or pressure to raise a daughter 'right'. Immediately I questioned my own representation of being a woman. How do I raise her to be feminine, yet strong- how do I help her to love her body and her physical attributes without it being everything. How do I demonstrate meekness, yet courage. So many things, and so much responsibility. I knew having this daughter would be like this ongoing accountability... one I wasn't sure I was ready for.
After we had had our son home for about a month, we were giving him a bath one night and Brandon and I got to talking. I had noticed that Brandon wasn't as taken with Oliver as he had been and currently was with Lily. For awhile I just dismissed it as it being because Oliver was still so little, and really all he did was nurse and sleep. Whereas Lily was at the prime of cuteness- discovering the world anew each day. I figured it would just take some time for B to be on board with Oliver in the same way he was with Lily. But as we got to talking I realized he was going through much of the same feelings as I did with Lily. He began by saying, "Lily could grow up and be anything- a doctor, a hairstylist, a mom- anything and I wouldn't care- whatever she does will be perfect and I will be happy and proud, but with a son it feels different." He continued on by saying, "you know how when Owen (Blackwell) was born, so much emphasis was on how one day he would surf just like his dad (and mom), I realized that when you have a son, everyone has all these ideas of what sort of an athlete he will be- whether it's baseball, or surfing, or skating - whatever the dad does the son will naturally do- it's sort of intense. I feel like there is all these expectations on him to perform- and I feel like how he turns out is so dependent on me..." It was ironic to hear his thoughts, as I flashed back to how I felt and still feel raising a daughter, and how having a son felt so much different, almost easier.
As my daughter enters a new realm of development... she'll be 2 in may, I am wrestling more than ever with how to raise her "right"- or what i think is right... The crazy thing is I can do, and say all I want to her about being the perfect girl. But really, God taught me this right away with kids- we can talk all we want, but if we aren't walking the talk- it's futile. As Lily grows more cognisant each day, I realize how more than ever the importance of my love and representation of Christ in my own life is what will make her into who she needs to be. May God bless the broken road which leads me back to him....
Thursday, March 22, 2007
I thought a picture was in order... but the real question is do I even still look like this? This morning I was getting ready- actually going to blow dry my hair... my son was sleeping and daughter - strangely enough was in her crib reading books- I was looking in the mirror and tripping out- which is something I do often- I was thinking is this really my life? Not in a bad way- just perplexed. I didn't have any make up on and I looked like I was in high school- well sort of- with lots of gray hair and a few wrinkles- but really it was one of those moments- like this is me but I have two kids. Am I even old enough, responsible enough- selfless enough, to have two kids? So I found this picture as my first post, I guess to try and remember if I still look like that- or more importantly is my personality - my heart- my soul the same as it was in this picture. I'll tell you what I remember about this day...
We were in France, Biarritz to be exact. It was a beautiful day. Brandon and I were hanging out on the beach, B was not surfing, bc like most of our vacations- there was no surf. So we were out on the little town, with no money. It was the most budget vacation I've ever been on. We were living in Edinburgh, Scotland and found flights for .01 pence. Thats like 2 cents here. So we found this "self-catering" accomadation and made the journey- which did involve sleeping in the terminal at London-stansted airport (which was pretty typical when you travel with ryanair) . Anyway the accomadations were beyond budget, we thought we could cook meals in the place, but we didn't have any of the basics, so we ended up eating baguettes and brie cheese most days. I remember vividly the one night we splurged on a nice dinner. We hopped onto our rented bikes and found a little restaraunt overlooking the cliffs in biarritz. Through the windows of this tiny little restaraunt, we saw an amazing night sky- only slightly tainted by the lights of the main strip. At this restarant I ate mussels for the first time- seriously fresh from the ocean- they were amazingly good- but what I remember the most was the wine- it waw white and from the region- but it was so dry and tasted so mineraly- not being a huge white wine drinker- I was soooo into it. I haven't found wine like that since. Which to some degree is okay, cause the way it seared my taste buds will always be reminscent of that night in France.
If I could've seen a flash of my life today that night, I'm sure I wouldn't have neccisarily been surprised... I mean I was married, kids next is natural. I guess the strange thing is I never could've imagined how i'd feel having kids- experiencing a love so deep, and so consuming, almost scary. All I thought about that night in Biarritz, or that time in my life was well myself. I loved God with all my heart, and was so focused on developing that, and enjoying my marriage- I never knew I could be so consumed by another love this side of heaven...