Monday, November 11, 2013

an update of sorts

'a child born to another woman calls me mommy.
the magnitude of that tragedy 
the depth of that privilege are 
not lost on me.'
                                  -jody landers

i have this boy.

this tiny boy.

this tiny boy who turns 3 today.

some days it can feel like the hardest thing in the world.  not so much him, but just 4 kids and sometimes he gets the brunt of it.  do i expect more from him?
i do.
i do only because he is so perfect.  so mild mannered, mostly cooperative, and very sweet and tender.  this lends to the most sensitive boy i've ever known.  and let me tell you, oz was sensitive.  we couldn't even whisper, or sing, or spell the word 'NO' without him having a nervous breakdown.  teg is not far behind. the simplest reproach leaves me with an angry shout, 'you are not my friend!'  sometimes i want to stress about this but then someone else pulls me away and i just get over it.  and you know what?  so does he.  that's part of the awesomeness of tegeny. he gets over things VERY quickly.  and for that, i am eternally thankful.

when i began this process, nothing terrified me more than realizing i would have to meet or see my future child's family.  especially his mom.  i really didn't think i could survive such a meeting.  and maybe God knew that.  when we got our referral, he was one of those cases where not much was known.  i'll leave it at that, because that's our story, his story, and not yours.

but i can tell you this.  not a day goes by that i don't think about his mom, his brothers, his sisters... anyone at all that new this perfect child.  i have these crazy fantasies about him having a sibling and me tearing through heaven and earth to bring that child to me.  to him.
i think about his mom.  all.the.time.  like, i literally can't stop. like everything in me wants to tell her and show her and yell to her about this perfect boy that she made.  that i have.
and i think that is so much of it.

a couple weeks back my baby girl turned 4.  i've never had such an emotional reaction to ANY of my kids turning a year older.  i told her her birth story (standard in some households, not so much mine).  and then i cried as i lay next to her while she slept. i mean, tali is pretty ding dang special, but don't even get me started on the others.  those feelings exist for all of them.  but for her, this time, it felt SO different.  so foreign.

'tegeny turns 3 today.'  i put that in quotes because we have no idea when his birthday is or how old he is.  this was based on a physical by our amazing pediatrician, and some basic info from the orphanage.  i know teg expects nothing on nov 11, but it won't be long until he does.  and what do i have?  i can tell him the same ol story... you were born from my heart,  not my tummy.  Jesus gave you to me.  my perfect baby boy.  you completed our family tegeny.  you were what we hoped and prayed for for years...

yet not a day goes by that i look at our son, and want so badly to just piece together all that makes up his 29 pounds... his big brown eyes, his luscious lips, his tiny booty and worlds skinniest legs and just lay claim to all of it.  and yet, i've got nothing.  i know nothing.  and to think i have these feelings of incompleteness-- i can't even fathom what it will feel like for him someday.
i know i should just be thankful that i have him and he has us, and that he declares his love without abandon (something i know he doesn't get from me).  i want that to be enough.  but it's not.  i want him to know.  i want his mom to know.
and if i really boil it down, i think in a lot of ways, i want a little credit.  i want credit for all his amazing attributes.  i want credit for lily's skinny legs, and ozzy's big brown eyes, and tali's winning personality and on a good day, i might just take a little.  but the real truth is, i'm searching and found wanting.  all of the BEST qualities and features of my biological kids are, and will always be Jesus. and as for teg, if i could i would just squeeze, and kiss, and adore his mama if i found her, if she's even still alive, and then i would fall to my knees and thank our king that he appointed me to love and adore this boy forever.  because he, like all children are worthy.
so on those days when i stare awkwardly at him and try to peel away all that makes up my amazing son, my perfect last born, i'm once again searching and looking towards my king.  my alpha and omega.  and i'm saying thank you.  thank you for this boy and god bless his mom.  and please lord, let me do the very best i can.  with him.  with all of them.

how's that for a 8 month update?  i don't know what else to say.... he undoubtedly has his issues and i struggle mightily to always have the compassion i know i should, but really, the boy is perfect.  perfect for me, perfect for us.