Wednesday, August 12, 2009

big mama

so i thought i'd take this five minute break from my pretzels and pub cheese to tell y'all bout my day. it's not something i've heard before, and frankly i'm a tad embarrassed, but i think i might feel better if i get it off my chest- ahem. well not my chest, cuz i'm likin them lately.

i digress.

rumor has it, i'm 29 weeks pregnant. that puts me in my 3rd trimester. its possible that at 29 weeks i look exactly the same as i did at 39 weeks when i was pregnant with lily. i know lots of pregnant moms like to put 'weekly' pictures up of their sprouting belly. you know the ones-- its taken by themselves in the mirror, making a cute, but not smiling face-- trying to look casual, but they're usually in one of their cuter maternity tank tops- or a wife beater, with little makeup, but definitely lipstick... i got nothing against that, its just not my thing. but since i was able to dig up this picture of me pregnant with lily - taken at about 39 weeks, i thought i'd take a current one just so you could see what a little gordita i've become.

don't say it, i know i look way young here,
and it is hard to tell just how small i am, but this
was me at 39 weeks i delivered 2 weeks later-
cuz lils was a week late.
haven't quite mastered the look, but
i'm trying! oz really enjoying it.

when i was pregnant with lily i never got those wow responses. as in 'wow, you've still got a long way to go!' or 'wow, are you sure you don't got twins in there?' or 'wow, that's going to be one big baby!' with lily, it was always like, 'wow, you are tiny! is the baby okay?' with oz, i got more of those wow you've really put it on comments and looks, but it still didn't really bother me. it was kind of a nice change after everyone being so 'concerned' that i was so small with lily. now i know many of you are thinking, come on holly. how big could you really be? your like a buck - ten with no baby, we don't feel sorry for you... well lets just say today at my 29 week check up with the midwives, our conversation went a bit like this:

midwife: 'well, you are about 29 weeks (pause as she checks her notes) and it looks like you've gained 25 lbs already. hmm, yeah. that's a bit on the high side.

me: 'oh, really? wow. gosh that came quick.'

midwife: 'yeah, you need to start paying closer attention to what you are eating, like--'

me: (interrupting and speaking emphatically) 'oh well, i used to be skinny. really. you didn't
know me before, but i swear i really am a skinny person underneath this.'

midwife: (looking at me peculiarly) 'well, its not a cause for concern yet, just stay away from high fat foods, sugar, dairy etc.'

me: 'oh, okay. yeah of course.'

normally i would've just laughed it off. but after weeks of people asking me when i'm due and me saying october, and them saying 'wow- lay off the moon pies already,' i kinda wonder if they are all onto something.

when i found out i was pregnant with tali, i'll admit i was kind of relieved. 10 months of no exercise, cowboy cookies by the dozen, ice cream for lunch and dinner, extra cheese and ranch... all guilt free. it was too good to be true. feeling like CRAP early on led to weeks of two or more asiago bagels a day, with cream cheese of course. apparently it caught up to me-- fast. at my first dr's appt i had gained 7 lbs. i resolved then and there to go out with a bang. gestational diabetes, hypertension... bring it. i want extra salt, cheese and sugar. all day long. for 40 weeks.

however now that i really am on my way to some serious lbs, i'm kinda starting to wonder... am i going to regret this come october when i push out a 7 lb baby and take home 40 lbs of my own? will the weight really just melt off like it did with the other two? will i look back and think all those cookies and hot tamales were worth it? will i look back and think i should've listened to all those comments of concern about my appearance?

i doubt it.

i've said it before, and i'll say it again... go big or go home.

and pass the pub cheese.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

baby girls

i've never been a dancer. i've never been drawn to the color pink. and in the words of garth, my favorite white dress is my faded blue jeans. i was the first girl in slo county to play pop warner football, and i wore a 49ers hat most of my freshman year of high school.

i was your basic, good ol-fashioned tomboy.

in college i started wearing a bit of make-up and switched up my ol trusty plain white tee for a v neck. i finally traded in my sports bra and ventured into vicky's (lord knows i needed it). it wasn't until my high school boyfriend broke my heart my second year of college, that i realized i needed to push up my boobs - pull up my bootstraps and start acting and looking like a girl.

this transition wasn't difficult. though i was a tomboy at heart, i always had plenty of friends that were girls, some of them very girly. i started paying closer attention to how they put their make-up on, and the fine art of tight jeans and making your boobs look bigger than they are. i got a fake ID and hit the slo bar scene like a bat outta hell. just when i started getting a lot more attention from sleazy guys, i met and fell in love with brandon.

fast forward 3 years, we're married. with 2 more years, i'm pregnant, and find out our firstborn will be a baby girl. as i've mentioned before, i definitely felt some trepidation being a mom to a daughter. i was sure i was destined to be a mom of like 5 boys. how could i, a girl who's really new to the whole girl thing anyway, teach my own daughter to be a woman? well, fortunately for me, god wasn't gonna leave that task up to me... he gave me the girliest girl north of paris hilton. after a quick year with lily, another baby was made and we were sure we'd have another daughter. i'll never forget the ultrasound with oz after the technician left. i looked at b and he said with a sigh, "well i hope the next one's a girl." we had fallen head over heels for all the drama and tutu's of a little lily. we never anticipated how much joy having oz would bring to all of us.

since we made the decision to have another baby, we both felt like whatever we got was just a bonus. we already had a boy and a girl old enough to experience the exasperation and blessing of both that it didn't matter. since everyone told us from day one it was a girl, we weren't surprised to leave the ultrasound with this bit of good news.

lily was ecstatic.

the whole ultrasound she kept asking, "really its a girl, really you promise? it really is?" to lily a sister is beyond a dream come true. this isn't any surprise seeing as how she is surrounded by boys. the four friends i spend the most time with all have at least 2 (one with 3) boys each!

for me thinking about having another daughter brought a myriad of emotions.

first off i have to say the most amazing thing about it was/is seeing lily's sheer joy. it goes without saying she really wanted a sister, she prayed for one and wished for one on every star. i was nervous she's be severely disappointed or frustrated with god if it was a boy, but to my delight her wish came true. it was a such a tangible way for lily at barely 4 yrs of age to experience god's love for her. he was going to give her her first big wish... a sister.

as a mom having another daughter means so incredibly much to me. never having had a sister, i saw my friends with their sisters and often wondered if my lack of femininity was due to my lack of a female sibling. i see my friends with sisters even now and crave the bond they have. it makes me radiant inside to know that my daughters will have that one day. not to mention if i fail in the realm of teaching my second daughter to be a woman, she has lily- and really, lily is as girl as it gets.

in addition to their bond, i feel so fortunate to have increased my odds that at least one will like me! i know they will stray for a bit, but know from experience that they'll be back-- (unless i really go crazy)--cuz every girl needs her mama when she has a baby. as much as i hope oz would want me around, i can pretty much guarantee his wife won't! i guess in so many ways i too really feel loved by god. i honestly feel like he saw just what our family needed and gave it to us. my cup truly is overflowing.

i'm counting the minutes till miss tali june lights up our lives. i can't wait to get my hands on her.