Wednesday, September 22, 2010

in process

i've been wondering for awhile when i'd finally feel ready to share this with y'all. it feels strange to sum you guys up as 'you all.' cuz as i've written before, i'm not sure who a lot of you are.

but i do know this--

some of you are my closest friends. friends who know what i've written before i've even written it. some of you are friends i've known forever, and maybe we don't talk everyday, but we've shared an intimacy that could never be broken. and then some of you are people i've known since i was a kid, who maybe i haven't talked to since then, but we are connected nonetheless through our past. and then there are those of you whom i've never met, or don't know at all, but find yourself here from time to time. and so here i am, ready to share with you what's been taking up a lot of my writing time, and really, just time in general.

i wrote this a few months back...


for a long time, it felt like this long, far off month that would probably never come. then one day i woke up, and it was june 6th and i thought, i guess this is finally the day.

i guess it felt like there should be some sort of ribbon cutting ceremony, or i should've spent the day fasting and praying, or at the least told my husband i finally sent the email. but i didn't.

its not like it was a haste decision. brandon and i have known for a long time that our family wasn't complete. like most decisions, we weighed a lot. how would this impact our kids? how would it impact our community? how would it impact our marriage? or harder, are we good enough? are we holy, or perfect, or together enough to take this on?

and though more often than not the answer was no, we pressed on. like all things there is an unspoken measure of faith that we could never began to describe. we can think it, plan it, picture it, but in the end the call has been made, the email has been sent.

the process begins.'

the rodgers family is officially in process.

the adoption process.

i finally realized it was time when it occurred to me that the secretary at my son's school knew, and my neighbor who i barely speak to found out, and when the lady at the post office looked at me knowingly as i brought her yet more correspondence.

for a long time i felt super guarded about it. even though i would tell people if they asked, i rarely volunteered the information. i found myself torn when someone would ask, 'so, are you guys done???' cuz on one hand we are done, as in, i'm done birthing children, but is our family complete? ... no. so an explanation would eventually ensue and somehow complete strangers came to know that we were adopting.

it was strange for me to have this secret, cuz if you know me at all, i'm pretty much an open book (as if this blog wasn't evidence enough). but something about this felt different. when i spoke to emily about it for the first time, i felt like i finally got some clarity. when i finished telling her, she told me it reminded her of when the shepherds came to visit after jesus's birth. obviously not in the sense that i'm anywhere close to mary, and our son is the savior of the world, but more so in these words, 'but mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.' (luke 2:19). even though it was crazy exciting for mary, she wasn't jumping from the rooftops proclaiming the news. and for once, that's how i felt. this was just our thing... at least for a little while.

but as we got further along and more was required, i realized the time had come. we are only 4 months in, and its way more (paper)work, and appointments, and just general time than i could've imagined. but with each new form, or email, or fax we know we are one step closer to finalizing our family, and that makes it sooo worth it.

so from time to time i will update you on what's happening with this. at one time i thought i would create a separate blog for the adoption with lealah (who is also adopting-she's just a wee bit behind us), but who am i kidding, i can barely keep this one up! and she's got like 6 jobs and 2 kids of her own. time is not abundant for either of us. one day maybe...

in the meantime there will be bits and pieces, here and there. i will share some of our triumphs, and failures, and our heartbreaks and victories. if you can find it in your heart, i ask only one thing, please pray for us. for him. for lily, ozzy and tali. as all of our worlds begin to change... this is, hands down, the biggest leap of faith we have ever taken and we will need support like we've never known.

thank you.