Friday, January 25, 2008


let me set the scene...

last sunday night as i'm tucking lily into bed, i decide to lay next to her as i tell her her nighttime story- which always consists of either the story of cinderella or snow white.

me- okay lil, its time to go to bed.
lily- just one more story
me- lil, i already told you three stories, you need to go to sleep
lily- i'm almost three.
me- i know babe- hey would you like to have a princess party for your birthday?
lily- (eyes get real big) yeah!
me- that would be so fun. maybe we could have a princess come
lily- (eyes bursting out of her head)
me- who would you want, snow white, cinderella, maybe ariel or sleeping beauty. what do you think, who would you want to come to your party?
lily- (very contemplative-big decision) ummm
lily- i want the wicked queen.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

" is your time of grief, but i will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy."
john 16:22

i feel compelled to write something.

when i was in high school i knew that some kids were christians. in my finite teenage mind i guess i thought i knew what that meant. years later when i became a christian myself, i thought back to those high school days and really longed to interface with some of those kids. the last ten years has allowed me to connect with quite a few. most of these interactions have been brief, but silently powerful knowing that the connection we have now is in fact eternal.
one such person is kristen borland. i first ran into her at a mom's group soon after our first kids were born. we would talk briefly, acknowledging our new common thread. after the mom's group ended i ran into her a handful of times, and again our interaction was brief.
about 6 months ago as i was blog stalking, i happened upon her blog. i was surprised to see that she now had two boys and was in the process of adoption. since adoption is something that God has continually placed on brandon and myself heart, i was really interested to hear of her experience. i only had a second, so all i saw was that they were waiting to adopt a little girl from guatemala. i vowed to go back to and read more about the process. it took me a few weeks before i got a chance to follow up. when i finally did,i went back to read the previous posts and was astounded to discover that not only were they adopting a little girl from guatemala, but that they were adopting a little girl with down syndrome. i was floored. the first thing that came to my mind was, "that is the heart of God." we all know how God feels about adoption, and thousands of people adopt, but to adopt a kid with special needs is truly a selfless and significant act that not many are capable of, or dare to undertake.

as i considered the severity and awe of their decision, i started to feel ashamed.

many of you stood along side us in prayer when we were pregnant with oliver. when we were told at our 20 wk ultrasound that we were having a baby boy, we were so excited. only to get a call from the doctor the next week saying that he had bilateral choroid plexus cysts. not knowing anything about cpc's, we were just sick about it- i mean anything with the word cyst causes terror. after doing some research online, i found that cpc's are really nothing to be frightened of, it's the very slight chance that they can be a soft marker for trisomy 18 (edward's sydrome) -which is fatal. anyway, after the triple test (which i highly do not recommend) it came back saying oliver had a 1 in 74 chance of having down syndrome. so here we were with one perfectly healthy little girl and the possibility of a having a special needs son. we found ourselves wrestling with God's will and our ideas of what our family was supposed to look like. granted it was a little different for brandon having grown up with a brother with special needs- his understanding of what could be in store for us was quite sobering and difficult. as we sought God in that time, i remember feeling so up and down- so consumed with fear, and then so content knowing God is sovereign.
fast forward 4 months and here comes ozzie, healthy as a whistle. the intensity and intimacy i felt with God during my pregnancy slowly dissipated as we were thrown into the world of two babies. then i stumble upon this blog and see these people that are actually working hard to acquire something i feared so deeply. reading of their joy filled journey brought back all those feelings- why didn't i have a heart of joy for my son despite the unknown? when the reality is, it was never necessarily about down syndrome for these people. they saw a need and God put it on their heart. i followed through the months - the various updates- the hoops they had to jump through to get her home- the cherished hand made care packages for this little orphan. all to find out yesterday that amanda passed away last night. as the tears rolled down my face i found myself so frustrated with the seeming injustice of it all. here was this little girl that none of us would've known- born without a chance- and all the way across the world was a family that was on their knees every night for her. i thought of the farley family, who lost their little girl, copeland, to trisomy 18 just a few months back. i remember spending days pouring through their blog just weeping, and trying to understand why they would only get to have her in their arms for a mere week. it just seemed to much to bear.

to think that amanda and copeland are in a far better place and most importantly without pain is comforting. i have to remind myself that where they are now is unparalleled to any home they could've had here on earth - and the arms they are in now is our ultimate prize.

furthermore, i do take comfort knowing that the borlands and the farley's got to either hold, or simply just love an angel- an honor many of us will never know.

so in this time, i ask that you join with me in prayer for these two families and the countless others that are left grieving- our hearts go out to you.

in loving memory of amanda...
...a merited crown awaits you

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

the boss turns 1

to think that one year ago i spent the better part of the day lightly laboring till about 9 pm when things picked up. got to the hospital about 10:30 and 12:46am oliver cain rodgers came forth with much, much pain. we missed the new years baby by a mere 46 minutes. oh well.

i know i spend a lot of time writing about lily, call it the firstborn, call it my baby girl, call it her age, call it just her... whatever the case may be she preoccupies quite a bit of my thought life. sometimes i wonder if that's a good thing.
but tonight as i reflect on a year with my son i feel an upwelling of sheer joy and pride. his little smile, his deep brown eyes, his belly laugh... his little existence is such a breath of fresh air-an experience or emotion i could never have dreamed up. i really cannot imagine life without him. for whatever reason i have so few concerns or fears about his upbringing, i just feel content each day with him. i pray that this "easiness" will transcend into a well-adjusted, laid back little guy. time will tell.
oz really is still such a little guy, and since he cannot communicate in the way that lily can, a lot goes unnoticed, consequently a lot of the intimacy that i have with her i don't have with him. of course that will change dramatically this next year as he continues to come into his own. and i truly, truly look forward to getting to know him in the way i've come to know lily.
brandon once wrote that lily is his joy, oliver his pride and i, the love of his life.
i'm not sure he could've expressed it any clearer. tonight i undoubtedly feel the same.
so, happy birthday little buddy. you truly are the noor of my eye.