Tuesday, May 22, 2007

God who?

"one mark of christian authenticity is discontentment with anything less than all the fullness of God"

-John Piper

"i feel like my parents in the late 80's" brandon tells me as we are driving home from church. having not known his parents in the late 80's- i still know exactly what he meant. it's that place of not outright sin, but def not full of passion and longing for God- it's just kind of going through the motions. i'm gonna get right to the point this time, i have been trying to skirt around it this entire blog, but today is the day... i am lacking intimacy with God. i've got all the excuses and justifications- parenting, nursing, 2 small children, time, apathy. it's all there and all real, but not they do not exonerate me from walking closely with the God i love.

i've been trying to put my finger on it for awhile... using words like "evolved, or matured, or season" to justify my current state, but i don't think it really matters or helps. sometimes i think its about time, like when, and how do i find time for a "quiet time." But it's deeper than that- its off my radar. i'm not craving intimacy with God, as a matter of fact, i'm really not craving intimacy with anyone- i am brimming with affections- if i'm not nursing (which really when am i not- my son is starving) i'm cuddling my toddler, or trying to love on my husband. physically, i am complete. mentally, i'm lacking. i find in the few minutes of alone time i have, i want to loose myself in a novel- about to start anna karenina (anyone want to read it with me?) - or guiltily want to watch ellen- seriously she is so stinkin funny. what i don't feel like doing is getting out the old bible.

i've written about feeling dissatisfied before- that was a wordly dissatisfaction stemmed from a lack of spirituality... it seems so obvious now. i really thought for awhile that my faith had evolved- that's not quite the word, b/c to evolve denotes an aspect of superiority - which isn't what i mean. i'll tell you what i do know. what i do know, is that my faith looks a lot different than it did when i first got saved, or when i was in college, and rightly so. i am a different person, my environment and circumstances are completely different. i also know that i have become more liberal in my faith. what's redeeming is that for me, this liberalness (is that a word) equates more love and acceptance. i don't feel so confined and defined by the right wing republican ticket. i do believe global warming exists, i believe that god really loves homosexuals and they can be my friends without feeling like i have to convert them- and to broaden it further, i can have non-christian friends- we can agree to disagree. i can have a beer, or a glass of wine and not feel condemned. i feel a lot more free, and more importantly as i mentioned a lot more love.

yet i know the line is fine. and my liberalness can waver into disobedience... thankfully i have in my life people that will, and have called me out in my idleness.

so hear i am. knowing i need to fall in love with God again. craving a holy discontentment- not a wordly one as piper would say. i want to long for jesus and the things that are of him. i want to be yearning for righteousness and desire to know Him more, not so that i can be, or feel like a better person, but so that i can experience the zeal and fervor and majesty that comes when we are right with him- so that if nothing else it will overflow into the people around me- especially, and of utmost importance for my children... as it is written, "we...pray for you... that you may be... increasing in the knowledge of God." "Grow in the... knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." (Colossians 1:9-10; 2 Peter 3:18) and again, "we must pay closer attention to what we have heard, so that we do not drift away." (Hebrews 2:1)
so that's my heart today... let's pray for renovation...


Kelly Meirik said...

I've battled this lack of desire bug for God and the things of God really since the beginning of 2002 & nothing has helped more than being involved in an in depth bible study. I do a bible study through Bible Study Fellowship- we just finished Romans. I needed to be around stronger Christians, Christians that were passionate about serving, I needed to be accountable for doing my "daily's", and for responding to some of the action oriented questions. It really sounds sooo simple but it has been so profound in building back some intimacy between me and my Savior. Romans 15 talks about the feeling assocatied with what you called liberalness- Paul calls it stronger Christians. It has some great things to say- basically using our "freedoms" only in the context of love- our new found freedom should help us love God and others better. It helped as I too have felt that conviction of crossing the line into the sin category.
It's hard being a "good person"...but of course I got that label first because of the time spent wit Christ...but it's like now that I feel like I'm a good person (I know what does that mean but hopefully you'll see where I'm going)...it's easy to sorta settle into that role...others look at me as a good person, we go to church, my husband is saved, we serve occasionally, etc. My "goodness" can confuse me sometimes- it's like it's the devil in sheeps clothing. It hinders me from being holy. Goodness isn't enough anymore--- it was, way back when when all that stuff wasn't natural, when I was really erring & some of the simple stuff needed to be cleaned up. Anyways...
For me, I needed to be intellectually stimulated by God's word again and in the context of a small group- it's nearly impossible to grow outside of a small group of people.
I empathize & hopefully we can be of encouragement to eachother.

zaiahbird said...

you nailed it hols. thanks for your honesty and being vulnerable. I too am so disconnected from God it's wierd. I too have all the excuses in the world but there's no excuse. I long for the zeal and passion I once had.

Anonymous said...

You really have a way with words Holly! I think this is something we all struggle with from time to time. I appreciate your honesty. Let's pick up that Bible and get to it!
In this battle together,


bagdad said...

what does it mean to want to be wanting.

The Avila's said...

Holls-I feel you girl and I only have the one baby. Excuses are my number one thing..."i just don't have the time". But you are right, it isn't just the time, it is the desire. Thanks for being so honest and for reminding me what is important. Like Andrea said, let's get to it. Let's grab a hold of what matters most, if not for us, for our kids!!!

bagdad said...

I agree with Kelly in large part...I think that one of the most important things to cling to when times get dry or your spiritual life seems to be in the shadow of something, is fellowship-brotherhood-sisterhood. It is so crucial, believe me; I know. Being immersed in an office all week is kind of like marinating in world stew. We have all kinds of people who work here and there is almost no spiritual tone to anything, so those swearwords that I hear all day and those cynical comments all stick in part to my brain and now and then I get frustrated and one of those words flashes in my brain, and depending on my company it may pop out...I know without a doubt that good, consistent fellowship that is not trying to be anything but real is one of the most beneficial things you can commit to.

Anonymous said...

Your honesty is so great to hear, and shows what a balanced person you are. I love your liberal side! It is more human and more loving and shows courage.

We've all had times in our lives when we feel so connected to the Spirit; so in touch with Jesus (and/or Mary) and his (her) heart. Then, there are the dry years. The intellectual knowledge of God is there but the passionate zeal is not. So, go with it and stay true to the Way: do charitable acts, be gentle on the environment, love your family.

I am a big advocate of actions speaking louder than words, so keep writing your blog. It actually is a charitable act because you are touching a lot of people (well, me at least). Meet with your friends and study the Bible if that gives you comfort, and more than anything else, be a positive influence in the world. It needs you. Persevere. ~Sheila

Anonymous said...

(So now I feel like I can comment on your blog without feeling so secretive about it!) You are actually quite the writer and a thinker, which I personally think is the best combo for a writer!

I can understand where you're coming from. Sometimes I think we can get really down on ourselves about how we're feeling. Whether you desire fellowship with Him or not doesn't change the fact that He is as near to you as He ever was. That's what I love about Him: His Truth is not contingent on us. And that's the beauty of grace; it even extends here. Maybe you already do this, but I have a friend who spends a few moments during the day reading a Bible story with her kids, then they sing a worship song, and pray. I bet Lily would love it! Love ya, girl.