"one mark of christian authenticity is discontentment with anything less than all the fullness of God"
"i feel like my parents in the late 80's" brandon tells me as we are driving home from church. having not known his parents in the late 80's- i still know exactly what he meant. it's that place of not outright sin, but def not full of passion and longing for God- it's just kind of going through the motions. i'm gonna get right to the point this time, i have been trying to skirt around it this entire blog, but today is the day... i am lacking intimacy with God. i've got all the excuses and justifications- parenting, nursing, 2 small children, time, apathy. it's all there and all real, but not they do not exonerate me from walking closely with the God i love.
i've been trying to put my finger on it for awhile... using words like "evolved, or matured, or season" to justify my current state, but i don't think it really matters or helps. sometimes i think its about time, like when, and how do i find time for a "quiet time." But it's deeper than that- its off my radar. i'm not craving intimacy with God, as a matter of fact, i'm really not craving intimacy with anyone- i am brimming with affections- if i'm not nursing (which really when am i not- my son is starving) i'm cuddling my toddler, or trying to love on my husband. physically, i am complete. mentally, i'm lacking. i find in the few minutes of alone time i have, i want to loose myself in a novel- about to start anna karenina (anyone want to read it with me?) - or guiltily want to watch ellen- seriously she is so stinkin funny. what i don't feel like doing is getting out the old bible.