Tuesday, March 2, 2010

an open letter to stephenie meyer

dear homewrecker mrs. meyer,

on a dare, and after some serious peer pressure, i conceded to read your first masterpiece. i had some time in between reading 'real books' for my book club, and a weekend in the snow- the combination of the two events made everyone i know convince me i had to give your vampires a try.
upon arrival at the cabin, i tried to resist you. but there you were laying so casually on the table beckoning me with your sleek black cover and shiny red apple. who do you think you are? the wicked queen from snow white?
did i mention this was my kids first trip to the snow when they would be cognisant enough to feel, experience and actually remember? did i want them to think back on their FIRST trip to the snow and wonder why their mom was hiding in the van hovering over a book written for tweens? i even brought a real book along-- on adoption-- on something that really matters... only to kid myself. i feel sorry for you that you make people skip books on adoption to read about boys with golden eyes and large white hands.
it wasn't enough that i was avoiding my inlaws, kids and husband, you wanted more. you got in my head, and tried to compromise my usual stellar judgement. you made me start asking myself things like, 'i can't remember, is it rude to read at the dinner table?' or 'would it be super awkward to ask my mother in law to run to the store and buy some formula for the baby so i could stay up all night and read this masterpiece load of crap?' but i'm pretty sure i hit rock bottom when i was basically drinking strawberry hill (rose wine) and cowering in the corner while everyone frolicked in the snow.
like the sweet, and trying to be understanding family they are, they had to ask me what it was that was so great about these books. which is kind of the worst question ever. how do you answer that one steph? its kindof impossible huh? cuz no matter what you say, you sound like a total douche. you start stammering, wondering how you can make them deeper and more meaningful than the stark reality that we are really just reading a 'dumbed down' version of danielle steel (which btw no one knew was possible)
your're a family girl, right stephenie? i wish i could tell you how much the kids loved the snow, and about all the adventures they went on, or the blast they had sledding and building snowman's... cuz i know you would appreciate it, but sadly i can't. instead, these few pictures will have to suffice. notice how i'm not in any of them? i'm starting to wonder if i was even there. thanks for ruining my weekend, and my life.

your biggest fan,

PS- oh, and you bitch. perhaps the worst part about all of this is that i could have written these stupid books. my 5 year old prolly could have for that matter. i could've been a millionaire, not stuck trying to sling juice plus. you suck. unless you buy juice plus from me, or better yet, let me be your realtor. then maybe we'd be even. otherwise you owe me big time lady... and worse, you owe my kids, and millions others their mom back. how do you sleep at night?

nothin like some yellow snow


zaiahbird said...

You're freaking funny...I love that you're my friend.
Oh but if you call Stephanie a bitch again I'm gonna have to bust a cap in yo ass....and you know I would to...i was in a gang once.

Erin Anselm said...

you are hilarious. i had to endure ridicule from my 12yr old while telling my ten year old he did not want to read them (cause let me assure you, many ten-year olds are). for me it was indulging my old half-forgotten addiction to V.C Andrews and Sweet Valley High. read them all in a week and get it out of your system.

Erin said...

This is hilarious. But seriously wait until you've read them all and then the obsession really begins. You know you have a problem when you make your 2 year old a sweatshirt that says "I LOVE EDWARD CULLEN" on the back and you're really proud when people compliment it. I did this! Also, I knew I had a major problem when I showed up to the midnight book release of Breaking Dawn. We were the oldest ones there and we participated in a Team Edward/Team Jacob debate. We wore hand made shirts and won a bunch of contests. Everyone else there was under 16. So, ya, I know I have a problem. But I'm okay with that. It took me a year to feel normal again after reading those stupid books.

esther said...

Holly, you are spot on; trying to explain the obsession to people who haven't yet given themselves over is so embarrassing. (because I think, why - WHY - am I so into this kid book?! I shouldn't be, but I'm totally binge-reading until 2 am!) then when my husband found out I'd read them ALL on the sly b/c I was too embarrassed to leave them out where he could see them and treat me to a Read-Aloud Session...oh yeah. that was embarassing too. But I have been Twilight free for about 6 months now and life is back to normal. My recommendation to becoming normal again: read them back to back as fast as possible. As if you could do anything else, now that you're one of us.

The Schmidts said...

hilarous. I was in denial for a long time and refused to give in (my English major snobbiness was stopping me), but I finally did and like everyone else has said, I just read them back to back in a couple of weeks and got it all out of my system (well kind of). Granted I didn't ever go to bed before midnight during that time, but you do what you have to do. Just don't give into the temptation to buy the series--just borrow them or check them out from the library. That way when you are done you are done. But you may become like me and everytime you are at Costco you can't help but stroke the black cardboard complete series case and wonder if you can justify the $40 on another romp through vampire land. -Rhiannon

ParadisoPerDue said...

So you succumbed to the Twilight mania? I did too!!! I actually fell into it before the first movie even came out! I obsessively read all four books in one weekend- stayed up til the wee hours and was useless at work the next day- I can only say that thank goodness I don't have children I ignored and at the time my husband was back in the UK so it was just little old me and Edward, ahhhhhh. They are a guilty pleasure and I'm not embarrassed! I love how very true your blog is, it's not pulitzer prize winning writing but man she gets you and sucks you in!

Mary Kelting said...

Oh Holly!!! I had no idea you write this blog... I've been reading, laughing out loud and totally relating! Love it!
DITTO to Stephanie Meyer...

mariah schwartz said...

I too disappeared for days on end with those books....then I saw the movie and that did something to me too! My husband would walk in the bedroom and see me perched on our bed..not even looking up at him to answer his questions. I sat there just skipping to all of Edwards scenes..by the 3rd day, my husband would walk in and turn around and walk right back out..didn't even bother to talk to me anymore until I came out of the room! It was like "oh..your with him again...sorry, I'll leave you two alone." :)

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