Saturday, July 18, 2015

Brittany's Back Biiiaaatch!

There's no easy way to say 'heeeeey' after such an aggressive hiatus, so I guess I'll jump right in. Besides, nobody reads blogs anymore, so here you are, audience of 7.

My name is Holly, I've had this blog for a loooong time but have not been super great about keeping it up.  We could blame it on a lot of things.  I'll start with the kids... because what is blaming for if you don't have kids? They are the alpha and omega, the brunt and the joy of every life... or at least mine.

Sometimes I try and remember myself before kids and it's so vivid, it's like I NEVER even had one and then I try and write another sentence and someone needs their butt wiped or my  husband passively vibes me for trying to take a few minutes to pour my heart out to the internets.  It's like a constant win/lose or lose/win depending on your perspective.

So with that said, I'm here. I have about 15 uninterrupted  minutes (conservatively).  If I'm really going to do this, I want to get a few things clear out of the gate.  I feel like the first time I attempted this whole blog/writing thing I didn't get what I wanted out there, so I'll start with what I hope is the obvious.  I love my life.  I really do. I wouldn't want anything different.  I never knew I wanted this life; I was the girl in high school who literally gagged at the girls who 'just wanted to get married and have 2.5 kids.' I wanted to smoke cigarettes up at the old junior high and steal my friends mom's tequila and listen to Rites of Passage while I experienced both.  But then I went to college and I fell super hard... for several boys, and then just one... and then I met the love of my life.  I never knew I was searching until I was truly found.   The thing is, I love Jesus, I really do. I look at the life I have and have no one to thank but Him.  I look at the incredible marriage I have and we have no one to thank for it but God.  That can be a hard thing to swallow at times.  If I'm honest, sometimes I want to take credit for something, or for all of it. But in my heart of hearts, I know. So with that said, I want you to know, despite my life I love and the God I love, I still struggle...

See, I'm at this weird place in life.  I'm 36- I have 4 kids. No babies. Who would have thought I loved babies so much???  Nobody who knew me when I had them, that's for sure.  See, the thing with time is it gives you perspective.  I look back on my 10 years of babies and I can't even believe how amazing that time was! If you are reading this, please heed my words... it's the best. It really is! Look at me, I'm like that old lady at the grocery store who says, 'oh boy, you sure have your hands full!'  You nod politely and say 'yeah, it's a lot' and she says, 'oh just you wait, they'll be grown before you know it!' and you think, oh hell no! this is the longest 18 months of my life!  Yes, that's me right now, all this wisdom with my 10, 8, 5, and 4 year old (insert sarcasm).  But seriously, it's crazy to me looking back on that time.... those babies were EVERYTHING. I wanted for nothing, I honestly can't remember being so fulfilled. Sure I was exhausted and tired and confused but I was SO IN LOVE! And the crazy thing is, I kept wanting more!

I grew up in a home where I was the center of my mom's world.  It was just me and her, so it wasn't like I was chosen or something... it was mostly circumstantial.  I was really, REALLY lucky to have such an incredibly dedicated and selfless mom.  She made what I wanted for dinner, she never missed a basketball game and she knew ALL of my friends, like really knew them.  Kind of like the time when she paid my friend $50 to find out if I was smoking cigarettes.   My friend was no fool, she took the money and narcked.  I'm just a tiny bit bitter.  But for reals , having a mom like that sets the bar really high.  I can't tell you  how thankful I am to have had her, and I really believe she made me into the mom I am today.

Yet, I'm not my mom.  You know how people are always like, 'I hope I don't turn into my mom!' and you're like 'it's inevitable, we all do!'  Well guess what, I actually really do hope I turn into my mom, but what I'm realizing is that I'm actually very different than her. I love working, I love my job, I love that my working job gets me out of the house! Which gets me back to this.  I'm 36, I have 4 kids.  I have no babies. See, I'm at this unique time in my life.  Those 4 kids need me, but not like they used to.  And I need them, but again, it's not what it used to be.  Remember that babies can't talk! They just coo and snuggle and cry but then they are so damn adorable because its YOUR baby you can't help but forgive them.  But now, the tides have turned.  I have 4 adorable kids, don't get me wrong, but they can often be tiny assholes.  They like to yell 'your're a butthole' and 'you're the worst'' and 'you're not my mom' and the dreaded... 'I hate you!'  Yes, they say it all, mostly the little guy, but none of them are exempt from their share of turdiness (new word).  I'm not saying I love them less because of the way they treat me and each other... it's just different.  I'm at this 'tween' like time... not totally all filled up with sweet baby buzz and not at that point where they are holed up in their room ignoring me or always out with their friends or going off to college.  I've got 4 live bodies ALL up in my grill, like all the time.  I can't leave them home alone yet (legally), I'm not a millionaire so I can't pay a babysitter to watch them on the regs, I'm just stuck!  I know, I know, enjoy this time... bigger the kid, bigger the problem.  I totally get it. I'm not trying to sound ungrateful or complain about the 4 kids I FULLY chose to have.  But with these 4 medium, mostly delightful problems, I have my own wants and desires..  like I've don't have a mouth attached to my nipple or massive guilt about not reading books to them every night.  It's like I've got these teeny tiny tastes of freedom and it tastes goooood! For the first time, I actually like being gone more than I like being home (within reason).  I kinda feel like a way toned down version of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (if you don't know this reference, you should probably stop reading now).  All that to say, I love my life, I love Jesus, but if you see me day drinking out and about a little more than normal, please know my heart is in the right place; I'm just trying to recapture a little bit of me again.

So there you have it.  A little glimpse into my tween years.  Next up,apparently I'm going to France like tomorrow.