Tuesday, July 17, 2007

my first loves

seriously, this guy is so cute. can you say that about your own kid? well i am. its been an intersting time as of late. oliver seems to be truly exiting newborn and lily seems to be really exploring and perhaps exploiting being 2. i find myself in the midst of a contemplative time (well really, when i am i not contemplating something).

when we got our dog emma lou, commonly called lou lou, i was so deeply in love. she was our baby. we tucked her in every night, walked her multiple times a day, fed her, gave her pigs ears, let her ride up front in our car. lou lou suddenly filled/fullfilled every maternal desire i had- granted i was 5 months pregnant- but you get the point. she was our baby. then the gooser came- lily was born. i remember being in the hospital and being so worrried about emma lou- thinking how lonely she must feel and how her world was going to change probably for the worse. the feelings lasted for awhile, till lily started needing it to be more quiet when she slept. our once praised for her cute bark hound dog instantly became a seal barking through a megaphone. suddenly lily's naps became the single most influential event to my sanity, and a red bone hound was nothing but a nuisance. it was sad, and i remember feeling conflicted about my new found feelings for my dog, but slowly and surely my affections for emma lou dissapated.

lily was my world, my everything for quite some time. we were best friends. we had our own little schedule, we'd sleep in (sometimes), have breakfast, walk/run, go to town- go shopping, go to traders - you get it, we did everything together. i was so taken with her, and was so excited to have this little girl as my best friend... forever, much like my mom and i. i knew things would change when oliver came along, but all through my pregnancy my affections remained the same, i couldn't even imagine loving another kid so much. i had so much anxiety the last month of pregnancy with ozzy. i was so nervous about how lily would feel and react once he came along. the night we left for the hospital, brandon went upstairs to change and i went into the bathroom and just burst into tears cause i was so distressed and heartbroken that lily's world would change forever- and seemingly in a hard way. and yet, once again my anxiety proved futile as lily responded in the most positive way to the new guy. she loved him from the beginning and has yet to lash out in anger or frustration towards him. i truly am so thankful.

fast forward 3 months. we are all in the groove of the new baby. lily is rapidly becoming to terribly two, and oliver is really coming into his own skin. i began to notice my feelings for lily changing, i was becoming a lot less patient. before, probably to a fault, i did everything i could to maximize her happiness and comfort- (ie accomodate naps, food, playtime, etc) now i had to facilitate oz into the mix of it all. suddenly ozzy would start crying in the car and then lily would start to whine, and i would become so irritated with lily, like all the crying, olivers included, was her fault. i realized, with the help of a friend, i had come to place unrealistic expectations on my toddler. suddenly she was like an adult- and capable of so much more than a 2 year old. unconscioulsy i had made it so all her crying and whining could only be tolerated to a point- a short point for that matter. when she would throw a little fit or be bratty i found myself so annoyed. but as i considered it more, i wasn't annoyed or irritated at her, i was frustrated and really sad i guess, that i would have to even have those feelings for once the sweet love of my life. it's a trippy thing to sometimes not like your kid. i can only imagine what it would be like to have a collicky baby and have those feeling so early on. it's so hard to pin down. it's not like you don't like your bratty child, its that your mad you even have to have negative emotions towards this little love of your life. can you really be mad at your own feelings and then have them negatively manifest themself onto your toddler...? i may be going in circles here, but i think my point is spoken.

what i do know is i love these babies... (even emma lou). i never knew that thier happiness would supercede any of my own wants or desires. its beautiful thing to experience so much love this side of heaven. i'm so thankful that God didn't have to divide my love in half when oz was born, he simply doubled it.


kristen pollard said...

woah holls- i really identify with so many of these feelings- to the point where i could just substitute in my kids names instead of yours and pretend i wrote it. especially with all the anxiety near the end of pregnancy #2. i was so excited when we got pregnant...i wanted so much for max to have a little buddy close in age (a lot because my relationship with my brother has been the hugest blessing) and still was excited near the end, but it got buried by crazy anxiety. i too had a breakdown the day i went into labor with milo, and a few beforehand. i was so centered on max throughout my pregnancy that i felt disconnected to milo growing inside of me. i thought there was no way i could love another as much as max. no matter how much my mom told me i would. i almost got this warped notion that milo would always just be this little baby. dumb hormones. so i had to keep reminding myself that i was giving max a best friend...although he probably wouldn't see it that way for a little while. he surprised me though- and has shown a precious affection for his brother since day one. my love has doubled too and my blessings have greatly multiplied.
anyways, can't wait to meet the loves of your life and share with you mine. love you guys.

kellie said...

hey holly! haven't had a chance to read all of your contemplating just yet...but wanted to say "hi" and that we really miss you guys! and, yes, they are pretty darn cute! micnah says hi, too!

Eli & Mandy Stewart said...

I'm thankful the Lord's filled your heart with such a double joy and love. I can't wait to meet our little girl...right now I can't imagine loving anyone more than Eli....I guess it's a cycle huh? Thanks for the advice today ;)

esther said...