jamming

the above video is what i think jamming is.

i guess i'll never understand it. for those of you that know me, you know that i'm not exactly musically inclined. despite the bulk of my friends being lovers of music... you will not find me scanning old vinyl at boo boo's or pre-ordering kanye's new cd, and you def will not hear me singing, let alone playing any sort of musical instrument.

perhaps you could trace it back to my childhood. i'm sure my parents (like all parents) loved to say, "she's so musical!" yeah, like what kid doesn't start moving and smiling when music comes on. despite my general apathy, i do recognize it is a beautiful thing.

it could have began in those early elementary days when i was blacklisted to the triangle. i think once in fourth grade when it was an option to "be in the band," i toyed with idea of picking up the sax, or was it the flute? fast forward to sixth grade- my friends and i (by default) always had the radio tuned to sly 96- for all of the day's hits. everyone would be talking about the new kids, and hammer, sir mix a lot... i even remember when my dad took me to the warehouse to buy my first cd- i thought it was a pretty big deal as he slid across the $15 bucks for the new (perhaps only?) young mc. and of course, the big concerts at the mid-state fair. i was there screaming my head off with the rest of em... boyz to men, montell jordan... (you get the picture)

i also recall a young teenager locked in her room as she listened to her brothers too short cd- and being absolutely terrified, disgusted and enthralled all at the same time.

yet as the high school days passed and my superficial taste for music continued to wane... i saw my friends becoming increasingly interested... they were always talking about the latest songs, and some to my amazement were even in a band! then i entered college, where it was really cool to be into something called "indy" music- i don't even know if that's how you spell it... and you didn't go to concerts anymore... you went to "shows." i think it was around this time, i stopped even trying to pretend to be interested. i found kjug and the dial hasn't changed.

yet i do admit, every once in a while i find myself so intrigued by this music thing.. especially those that play it. the other night i happened to find myself at the clubhouse in los osos... (i really wish i could tell you more about this osos hot spot- but its kind of on the dl..) so anyway, we walk up, forgetting that its a friday night (cause all days are the same when you have kids, and all nights are the same when you live in los osos). we walk up to discover that there is "live music." wow! i guess that's supposed to be a good thing. anyway amidst a firestone (on draft) and some good missionary talk with zurby and lealah, i find myself absolutely captivated by these two guys playing music. i've seen this before many times... it happens when no one is singing and the guys are just playing their instruments- and they are just sooo in the zone-- just jamming i guess. but i guess it's the look on their faces- it's like what they are creating is so powerful and passionate - like they're just going to burst with joy. so in my little finite mind, i'm trying to liken it to something i've experienced- like draining a 3 at the buzzer, or giving birth... or if we're along those lines... sometimes it almost seems like it could be as good as sex.

so all you musicians- could you shed some light on this for me... cause if its anything like those above things... i just might have to pick it up- any openings for the triangle out there?

firstborn

"our deepest fear is that we are inadequate..." and so the saying goes. i can't ever remember the rest, i suppose that there is some sort of redemption at the end, but the beginning is what often resonates for me.

i've touched on this subject before, and somehow i know this won't be the last time. and really, i'm still trying to figure out why i feel so passionate about it.

most days i feel totally inadequate raising a daughter.

perhaps its because i feel like i have big shoes to fill- i can't ever remember a time when i really didn't like or was truly mad at my own mother. and to this day, we have an amazing friendship. so why should it be so hard to facilitate that with my own daughter?

well, it could be a myriad of reasons. lets first examine her. perhaps the thing that frightens me the most is just how different we are. did i mention that she's only 2? i don't remember what i was like at 2, but i can tell you that when i was 8 i was the first girl to play tackle football (pop warner) in this county. i'm lucky if i can get lily to go down a slide by herself. my favorite white dress is faded blue jeans. lily wretches if she cannot wear a skirt every minute... of every day. lily loves anything and everything princess. i think cinderella needs to sack up and tell her stepmom to beat it, it was her house anyway.... those are just a few examples of our distinctions.

i know, she's 2. her behavior and tendencies are perfectly normal for a 2 year old girl. she is not the exception. but i will ask you. how do you respond when your sweet, tender little girl who just adores and worships every little thing about cinderella and consequently despises those mean stepsisters (who by the way, always "make bad choices") tells you when she feels like being beastly, that she wants to be a mean stepsister- because she wants to be mean that badly. or, what do you do, or say, when that same cute little girl is on the floor writhing because she simply cannot leave the house in anything but a skirt and shiny shoes.

is it that i fear our differences will inhibit us from a thriving friendship later in life? or is it that i fear so much that the way i discipline or don't discipline her will impair her overall well being? or maybe its just that she really isn't like me and we won't ever connect in this magical way i imagined we would. if that is the case i do recognize that i need to get over myself. so what if she doesn't turn out like me- as if i've been rationed the winning personality- there's a lengthy list of things i wish was... and when i think of my closest friends- save lealah, none are much like me at all. i would be honored, and so proud if i raised a emily harper, or shelley blackwell, or jenny schlenker- i could go on- but you get the point.

i guess all i really know is that, yes, she is only 2. and some days are a lot harder than others. i just fear becoming that mom... you know- the mom from spanglish, or american beauty...

regardless of who i become, this much i know... lily will break my heart, likely more than once. and i will continue to blow it, but maybe, just maybe, we could have some laughs along the way.

dig it.. cabifi

Here are some pictures from the vacation, some of the first ones you see are just from around the house and the harvest festival that snuck in... you will be able to tell when the cabo ones come up, due to the amount of skin (lily's) showing... not to many naki ones this time!!! she's becoming quite modest in her old age...

well, we had a very successful vacation... it was, perhaps, our best yet.
things we've learned from past vacations:

-the perfect amount of time to vacation with kids - 5 days.
-flying out of SLO is def worth the extra money
-benedryl really does knock em out (we didn't have to use it this time, but we have in the past!)
-toddlers love airplanes
-oz flies great even with an ear infection
-it's worth paying to stay somewhere, rather than trying to save a buck and stay with friends who live in a trailer--- j/k we wouldn't have stayed with them!
-cabo is the perfect distance to fly with kids
-never, ever go to cabo in july, august or september. late october is perfect weather wise
- going on vacation with other people who have kids is a win win


gosh, so much to say about the vacation... we'll start with the highlights...

-the kids flew great
-their colds seem to disappear in mexico- but returned upon arrival...
-the boys and shelley getting really good waves- this is a true highlight, b/c in true rodgers fashion, B never gets good waves on vacation
-having a professional photographer on vacation with us... thanks si!
-going out to eat with 6 adults and 6 kids- you can imagine the chaos
-watching elias fearless in the water- shore pound and all
-seeing max shred at swimming
-forgetting oz was even with us, cause he was so mellow
-lily wanting max and owen around, but never wanting them to touch any of her babies
-Jeramiah and Simon catching a fish by merely using a childrens play bucket
- the kids being in awe of the fish, and lily naming it nemo- how original
-simon, who does not drink, mastering the art of pina colodas for the rest of us to indulge
-shelley making some amazing sashimi with the freshest ahi around
-having my husband around for 5 days straight!
-lily watching cinderella and telling Brandon that she wants to wear a "real pretty dress" and marry him when she gets older
-the kids sleeping really well in the condo- thanks to the black hole bedroom
-the evening swim our last night there
-no montezuma's revenge for anyone
-getting a couple's massage with... shelley???
-getting my bronze on
hmmm, i guess that's all i got for now.
all in all, thanks pollards and especially blackwells for a very memorable and radical vacation!

next.... part 1

there is no denying that it has been awhile... oh how i've missed my blogifi. no real excuses, just a bit of your basic writers bloc... i am going to start using literary terms like that--- b/c (drum roll please) i am seriously considering going back to school.

that's right, school? me? for those of you that know me- which consists of anyone reading this- you know that academia and me aren't so snug. we flirt, but there has never been any real intimacy- until as of late.

i often think about my future- hee hee, not really. most days i think about how i can finagle some sort of break from my kids; or figure out a way to get lily to eat- anything; or long for some sort of holiday. having young kids really puts you "in the now," which is why i am very concerned about my future (and you should be too!). It is so incredibly easy to see how we can get lost in our kids- becoming a hover mother doesn't seem so absurd these days. we come to realize how much these little guys need us, and we love being able to be that for them- so, consequently, our own hobbies, interests, relationships and overall self begins to disintegrate. and before we know it they are grown up, gone. and we find ourselves standing in the kitchen thinking, "what just happened, and who the hell am i anyways???"

we are all familiar with the age old mid-life crisis, and it is seeming more obvious than ever that kids leaving home is def a main factor. so why not be pro-active now right???



i'm not so sure that i found the answer to my quandary, but for whatever reason, i am aware of the above dilemma. i guess it seems like pursuing something for me just might alleviate some future frustrations. as i considered how i could get to know myself again, i realized that time away from my kids was my best bet. i looked around and saw that a few of my friends were going back to work- which didn't sound like fun at all. cause really, i already have a job- i am a realtor- and very available for any of you (wink, wink). but anyways my job is sporadic at best, and though i do enjoy it, it def doesn't inspire me. so, the other day when my mom was over, she was going on and on about how great my kids are, and how swell life is, and how she is living her dream- which is awesome b/c i would seriously have gone insane without her- but anyway she seemed to think i was living my dream as well. which, is def true, i guess... well not really. as an angst filled teenager, the thought of a white picket fence, or as we do in los osos- trash and non-operative vehicles in our front yard- wasn't exactly what i had in mind. the "amerian dream" was not something for this innovative soul. i wasn't sure what it looked like, but 2.7 kids and the walk-in closet was not for me. then i became a christian, and my priorities changed and i naturally fell into this role. which, by the way, i adore. i am so thankful for two healthy, happy kids and the ability to stay home with them- yet, i keep finding myself asking... there is more isn't there?

so, with a little encouragement from my friends, i have begun this process... i'll fill y'all in on some details later, but in the meantime- just keep reminding me about it- you guys are kind of my accountability, cause i have been known- probably just once or twice- to start something and not finish... so with that said, be a friend, would ya?

almost famous

alright... here it is, for those of you haven't seen my 5 seconds of fame... here is the link. click on the video to get all the action.
http://www.ksby.com/Global/story.asp?S=7102182
cheesy as it may be, its well worth your while.
i'm so big time that last night at Giuseppe's the waiter said, "weren't you on the news last week?" i offered him an autograph, but he passed. weird.
anyway, i am featured on the avilas blog, so in case you missed it there, here's your chance.

something right

i'm not trying to brag, but its possible we are doing something right. this afternoon as the kids and i were on a run back from farmers lily said the most incredible thing. instead of heading home we decided to stop by some neighborhood friends house. so as we ran past our street lily said,"momma, we have to go that way." and i replied, "no, lily, we are going this other way to stop by carter and susans house. she didn't say anything and so we kept running and i missed the turn for their house. "whoops, we went the wrong way" i said as i turned the stroller around. and as we were walking up the hill to their house i tuned into what lily was saying cause she was trying to spit something out. "sometimes," she paused, "if you pray and ask Jesus, he will show you the right way." astounded, i stopped the stroller, leaned over with tears in my eyes, and said "lily, that makes me so happy to hear you say that, you are so right. who taught you that about Jesus?" she paused, perplexed, and said, "you!"

that's all it took- she floored me. really. it couldn't have come at a more perfect time as we just had some house guests leave. (quick shout out to the pollards- they are awesome house guests- super clean, tidy, took us out to taco temple- took amazing family photos of us- just a blessing through and through- not to mention their kids are not only super cute, and well-dressed- but very sweet, tender boys)- which leads me to my next point... and why lily's comment couldn't have come at a more perfect time.

i am aware that lily is very much a girl- it isn't just b/c of her natural inclination for dresses, skirts, high heels and the color fuchsia. its deeper than that. she is moody, contrary and indecisive- (or as my mom says, passionate, discerning and selective) all things i know about her, but seemed to glare at me having another kid around all weekend. which all leads me to often wonder, am i doing this right?

and though i know the answer is probably no, not totally- as no one is, moments like we shared today, make it all worth it. i'll take the passion even if it often comes with fury.

lately

i know i have been bogging, but i got something in the works...

here are some recent pictures of the kids until then...

all growed up

she is two years old. it's not like she doesn't have any sort of life outside me... but the other day I was struck by something she said. we were on the rodgers houseboat just hanging out. b's mom, shelley, started to get some snacks out... hummus, carrots, crackers, pretzels etc... I asked lily if she wanted some carrots or crackers (two staples in her diet) and she said, ' no, I want those'- pointing to the pretzels. i thought, that's funny, since she is not the most daring eater, why would she want those skinny looking pretzel sticks- they don't even look interesting. so i pointed to the bag and said, 'these, are you sure?' she quickly said, 'yes- i want those ones.' so i hand her the bag and she pulls one out. just before she takes a bite, she pauses and looks up at me and in a real matter of fact way she says , 'i have these at preschool.'
It was a simple as that, and i was just struck. to think she experienced something outside of our little world was so baffling to me. not only did she experience it, she liked it- and i wasn't even there to share it. i know it seems silly, and really pretty inconsequential. but for the first time in my life with lily, i kind of felt like an outsider. somehow i know it won't be the last time. just a reminder, i suppose, to cherish the mundane- even if it means a new type of cracker- it's still just ours.

lily's lingo

Just thought I'd fill you in on some of lily's expanding vocabulary these days. For starters lily is truly a richmond- much like her pop pop (my dad) she abbreviates everything. we thought it was funny when she started calling macaroni and cheese- mac mac, or Dustin- dust, or mimi -mims, or nana- nan, but then we realized it went even further- using abbreviations for things we never have. Like the other day she said "i want some wad (water)," or "mama- the tubs are on (teletubbies)" or "i'm going to presk today (preschool)." Sometimes it feels a little out of control.

while we're on it- some other cute things she's said lately...

-"mama, i want ketchup. i like ketchup, not mustache (mustard)"

-while we were at the beach she turns to me and says, "ohh i'm so starving. brrr, i'm so starving" as she reaches for her sweatshirt i realize she meant to say freezing.

- this one happens a lot- every time i get dressed she practically begs me to wear a dress or high heels. the other day i had put a skirt on and came downstairs. when she saw me her eyes lit up and she said, "mama, you look like a beautiful princess!"

-out of blue while driving yesterday she just blurts out, "i'm pretty adorable"

-my favorite- yesterday we ran into someone i hadn't seen in awhile, while i was talking to her, lily was in the shopping cart- when she realized there was a little girl (the woman's daughter) right below the shopping cart, she leans over and says in a real sweet voice, "well, who's this little one?"

my first loves

seriously, this guy is so cute. can you say that about your own kid? well i am. its been an intersting time as of late. oliver seems to be truly exiting newborn and lily seems to be really exploring and perhaps exploiting being 2. i find myself in the midst of a contemplative time (well really, when i am i not contemplating something).

when we got our dog emma lou, commonly called lou lou, i was so deeply in love. she was our baby. we tucked her in every night, walked her multiple times a day, fed her, gave her pigs ears, let her ride up front in our car. lou lou suddenly filled/fullfilled every maternal desire i had- granted i was 5 months pregnant- but you get the point. she was our baby. then the gooser came- lily was born. i remember being in the hospital and being so worrried about emma lou- thinking how lonely she must feel and how her world was going to change probably for the worse. the feelings lasted for awhile, till lily started needing it to be more quiet when she slept. our once praised for her cute bark hound dog instantly became a seal barking through a megaphone. suddenly lily's naps became the single most influential event to my sanity, and a red bone hound was nothing but a nuisance. it was sad, and i remember feeling conflicted about my new found feelings for my dog, but slowly and surely my affections for emma lou dissapated.

lily was my world, my everything for quite some time. we were best friends. we had our own little schedule, we'd sleep in (sometimes), have breakfast, walk/run, go to town- go shopping, go to traders - you get it, we did everything together. i was so taken with her, and was so excited to have this little girl as my best friend... forever, much like my mom and i. i knew things would change when oliver came along, but all through my pregnancy my affections remained the same, i couldn't even imagine loving another kid so much. i had so much anxiety the last month of pregnancy with ozzy. i was so nervous about how lily would feel and react once he came along. the night we left for the hospital, brandon went upstairs to change and i went into the bathroom and just burst into tears cause i was so distressed and heartbroken that lily's world would change forever- and seemingly in a hard way. and yet, once again my anxiety proved futile as lily responded in the most positive way to the new guy. she loved him from the beginning and has yet to lash out in anger or frustration towards him. i truly am so thankful.

fast forward 3 months. we are all in the groove of the new baby. lily is rapidly becoming to terribly two, and oliver is really coming into his own skin. i began to notice my feelings for lily changing, i was becoming a lot less patient. before, probably to a fault, i did everything i could to maximize her happiness and comfort- (ie accomodate naps, food, playtime, etc) now i had to facilitate oz into the mix of it all. suddenly ozzy would start crying in the car and then lily would start to whine, and i would become so irritated with lily, like all the crying, olivers included, was her fault. i realized, with the help of a friend, i had come to place unrealistic expectations on my toddler. suddenly she was like an adult- and capable of so much more than a 2 year old. unconscioulsy i had made it so all her crying and whining could only be tolerated to a point- a short point for that matter. when she would throw a little fit or be bratty i found myself so annoyed. but as i considered it more, i wasn't annoyed or irritated at her, i was frustrated and really sad i guess, that i would have to even have those feelings for once the sweet love of my life. it's a trippy thing to sometimes not like your kid. i can only imagine what it would be like to have a collicky baby and have those feeling so early on. it's so hard to pin down. it's not like you don't like your bratty child, its that your mad you even have to have negative emotions towards this little love of your life. can you really be mad at your own feelings and then have them negatively manifest themself onto your toddler...? i may be going in circles here, but i think my point is spoken.

what i do know is i love these babies... (even emma lou). i never knew that thier happiness would supercede any of my own wants or desires. its beautiful thing to experience so much love this side of heaven. i'm so thankful that God didn't have to divide my love in half when oz was born, he simply doubled it.

i think they look alike....

how funny is this. both of these pictures were taken when lily and oliver were about 6 months old. i think they look a lot alike, just add a half a pound of cheeks to oliver and you've got a lily...what do you guys think?

camping

the rodgers family went camping this weekend for fathers day and for fun. we typically go up to big sur (plaskett creek), but when we woke up sat morning the fog was socked in. so on a last minute impluse we went up to lake san antonio (pretty random). we were in search of warm weather, and did we find it! the temp was perfect and so the kids enjoyed them selves. it proved to be a comical weekend in many regards...

Top 1o things we forgot:

10) silverware

9) a trash bag

8) skewers for smores

7) syrup and butter for pancakes
6) chips

5) a trash bag
4) a bowl for salad

3) camp fire chairs- or any chairs for that matter

2) paper towels/napkins

1) loud and obnoxious rap music, oh wait our closest camping neighbors provided that in abundance... all night long.

Top 10 things we remembered/had an abundance of:

10) diapers

9) salad

8) salsa

7) french presses

6) kids clothes

5) pancake mix

4) graham crackers

3) pancake mix

2) camp stoves

1) marshmellows

to say the least, it was no big sur, but we made the most of it.

God who?

"one mark of christian authenticity is discontentment with anything less than all the fullness of God"

-John Piper

"i feel like my parents in the late 80's" brandon tells me as we are driving home from church. having not known his parents in the late 80's- i still know exactly what he meant. it's that place of not outright sin, but def not full of passion and longing for God- it's just kind of going through the motions. i'm gonna get right to the point this time, i have been trying to skirt around it this entire blog, but today is the day... i am lacking intimacy with God. i've got all the excuses and justifications- parenting, nursing, 2 small children, time, apathy. it's all there and all real, but not they do not exonerate me from walking closely with the God i love.

i've been trying to put my finger on it for awhile... using words like "evolved, or matured, or season" to justify my current state, but i don't think it really matters or helps. sometimes i think its about time, like when, and how do i find time for a "quiet time." But it's deeper than that- its off my radar. i'm not craving intimacy with God, as a matter of fact, i'm really not craving intimacy with anyone- i am brimming with affections- if i'm not nursing (which really when am i not- my son is starving) i'm cuddling my toddler, or trying to love on my husband. physically, i am complete. mentally, i'm lacking. i find in the few minutes of alone time i have, i want to loose myself in a novel- about to start anna karenina (anyone want to read it with me?) - or guiltily want to watch ellen- seriously she is so stinkin funny. what i don't feel like doing is getting out the old bible.

i've written about feeling dissatisfied before- that was a wordly dissatisfaction stemmed from a lack of spirituality... it seems so obvious now. i really thought for awhile that my faith had evolved- that's not quite the word, b/c to evolve denotes an aspect of superiority - which isn't what i mean. i'll tell you what i do know. what i do know, is that my faith looks a lot different than it did when i first got saved, or when i was in college, and rightly so. i am a different person, my environment and circumstances are completely different. i also know that i have become more liberal in my faith. what's redeeming is that for me, this liberalness (is that a word) equates more love and acceptance. i don't feel so confined and defined by the right wing republican ticket. i do believe global warming exists, i believe that god really loves homosexuals and they can be my friends without feeling like i have to convert them- and to broaden it further, i can have non-christian friends- we can agree to disagree. i can have a beer, or a glass of wine and not feel condemned. i feel a lot more free, and more importantly as i mentioned a lot more love.

yet i know the line is fine. and my liberalness can waver into disobedience... thankfully i have in my life people that will, and have called me out in my idleness.

so hear i am. knowing i need to fall in love with God again. craving a holy discontentment- not a wordly one as piper would say. i want to long for jesus and the things that are of him. i want to be yearning for righteousness and desire to know Him more, not so that i can be, or feel like a better person, but so that i can experience the zeal and fervor and majesty that comes when we are right with him- so that if nothing else it will overflow into the people around me- especially, and of utmost importance for my children... as it is written, "we...pray for you... that you may be... increasing in the knowledge of God." "Grow in the... knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." (Colossians 1:9-10; 2 Peter 3:18) and again, "we must pay closer attention to what we have heard, so that we do not drift away." (Hebrews 2:1)

so that's my heart today... let's pray for renovation...

alright some pictures already

Most of these are from our cruise... others from around the house. Dig it. More of my ranting and raving later....

bogging or blogging

Okay, it's been awhile... i'm about ready to burst. gotta get my blog on... did i just say that. anyway. I do miss the ol blog, been busy with I don't know - 2 kids or something (really how do people have more than 2) . We went on vacation- well - I don't know if I would call it vacation. It wasn't exactly relaxing - how is anything relaxing with two kids - it was more of a family trip. Note the distinction. It was good though- thankful for the oppurtunity to go- for those who don't know we went on a cruise to the "mexican riviera"- which is just a fancy was of saying tijuana. J/K. Daughter turned 2- found out i've been starving my 5th percentile in weight son... so it's been full- good though. Got some stuff brewing... more probably on thursday. keep the comments up- it really motivates me.

sorrow in virginia

I wanted to post this bit that Brandon wrote to me the other morning via email. It really got me thinking about the impact that this tragedy had and will continue to have on our nation and world. Let me know what you are thinking and feeling in this time...

" ...I was driving to work this morning and felt an overwhelming sense of anger toward the Virginia tech. shooter...so much so that it made a deep impact on me...I cannot remember a time in my life where I have felt something so visceral and had such full and complete disdain towards another person. I felt so intensely the need to vent my aggression, to rip the steering wheel clean off in my hands would have been a start, to scream from the depths of my gut would have been healing to a degree, to bloody my hands on that boys face would have been a small shred of justice for my own anger and hurt. And look at me, how connected am I to what happened? I am a person, on the other side of the united states, connected to those who perished by the common thread of sheer humanity. I want to identify with the victims, not as students, not as US citizens, but on an honest level...on a human level, on a level that acknowledges the eternity of the soul; and believe me, that is the only comfort in this whole thing at this point...vengeance is in the hands of the Lord, and the fact that that boys soul will spend an eternity in hell, and that his suffering will be unsearchable in its extremity and eternity is so strangely comforting to me."

leave it to oprah

there's like a million other things I should be doing right now. I had this afternoon off, my mom took lily and I had ambitions about cleaning, online banking, cooking etc... yet I found myself sitting on the couch watching oprah. That oprah. To me she is like that cartoon figure when you have the bunny or whatever, and over one shoulder is a devil bunny and over the other shoulder is the angel bunny. She is the devil and the angel bunny. I want to dislike her because she just might be the anti-christ... not really but she does so many "great" things, and contributes so much money and time to make the world a better place, but she does it all in the name of Oprah- not Jesus. She likes to pull the Jesus card every once in awhile, but for the most part she is on the "whatever you call God is God" trip. She's like that verse in timothy, "they are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over weak-willed women, who are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires, always learning, but never able to acknowledge the truth." Well that might be a little extreme, but you get the point. Well today I fell prey and was, as usual, deeply moved by her topic.
I won't get into to many details, because I wouldn't do it justice anyway. But the gist of it could best be described by my main man and potentially my last life's soul mate... steinback- "...and of course, people are interested only in themselves. If a story is not about the hearer he will not listen. And here I make a rule- a great and lasting story is about everyone or it will not last. The strange and foreign is not interesting- only the deeply personal and familiar" (east of eden).
Now that I have kids, I feel this new intensity for any injustice to them. It tears at my insides and makes my heart ache to not only hear about orphans, but to see them. The orphans, or foster kids- whatever you want to call them- on todays oprah really got me thinking about my own kids.
I'm kind of one of those people who likes to savour things- some might call it hording. Like 'Lost' for example. When we get a disc from Netflix - it has 4 episodes on it. Brandon is ready to sit down and watch all 4 that first night. Not me, I want to watch two, and then save the other two. Or better watch just one and then it'll last longer. I do it with ice cream too, use a real small spoon so it lasts longer. I remember when we were living over in Scotland- we didn't have any money so everything - from food to movies- any indulgence was such a treat. The smallest thing or event was such a treasure- a new shirt, going out to eat- you get the point. That's what I saw on oprah- kids savouring everything- this lady started a charity where she donated pajama's to foster kids- most of these kids had never owned their own pair of pj's - some didn't even know what they were. Can you imagine? Lily loves pj's - in fact - it's one of my very favorite things to buy her. It's like the closest you can get to buying coziness. So what a perfect way to show these kids without much cuddling in their lives love and comfort. Their very own pj's- I just picture these kids wearing the heck out of their little pajamas- whereas I wash lily's every time she wears them... she could care less about them
Oprah went deeper than pj's though- she found this other guy who donated books to a remote village in Nepal- and was so affected by the experience- he quit his high brow job and spends all his time building libraries and schools for the world. Images flashed of these little barefoot kids just relishing their one little book that probably wasn't even in their language.
Seeing this made me want to throw all of lily's toys and pj's for that matter away and just keep one toy and one book and so on... just so she would cherish her possessions the way these kids do. Yet it was bigger than that - I look around my house, and in my closet and see all my 'stuff.' Each thing seemed so important when I bought it- yet most of it now doesn't even get a second glance. When we moved back from Scotland we didn't have anything. No furniture, no dishes, no nothing. Morgan of all people, gave us a couch. I use to look at that couch and think it was so cool and so nice and I would sit in it and feel so thankful for it. Now I complain it's not big enough and its outdated. And its not just the couch- it's everything. I've become so dissatisfied. Always looking for the next purchase, the next vacation, the next raise etc. How do I get back to the novelty of a used sofa... but more importantly, how do I get my kids to love and cherish that one book and that one pair of jammies...
I know it goes back to Jesus- doesn't it always, and if you tell me its the verse about selling all my possessions, I'm just not sure I'm ready... but seriously if anyone else has any ideas- throw em out there. My heart needs to change...

a quick word

thanks for your responses to my first 2 posts, most of you emailed me directly, but i would love it if you posted it on my blog... I changed the setting, so you don't have to sign in- you can be anonymous if you want... wooo. also, this last post- a baby girl- is just our experience, generally we are not the norm, so i hope no one is offended by it- raising kids is an intense thing regardless of gender... this is just where we personally are at. I would love to hear your experience with this whole gender thing... please post- lets get this party started- or next time I'll have to write something real controversial to get people to respond... hee hee.

a baby girl

This is one of those pictures that I want to see on Lily's wall or on her desk someday. I imagine she'll look at it with great fondness and marvel at the amazing relationship she has with her mom. For some reason, it reminds me of a scene in the family stone- which by the way is one of our favorite movies- it's the scene at the end when the insufferable new girlfriend gives all the kids a picture of their mom when she was pregnant with her youngest daughter. The picture is moving- the way the light catches Diane Keaton's smile really resonates the raw emotion and joy of being pregnant. Such was the way I felt when I held my daughter for the first time...

I guess I just always assumed my daughter would be my best friend- with my mom being my best friend, it seemed natural. I know there are no guarantees, so I always say I need to have at least one more girl in case one of them doesn't like me... As I've already expressed, having kids is a pretty powerful thing. And for me, having a daughter seems even crazier. When we found out we were expecting a little girl, I was shocked. Though I didn't tell many people, I was really surprised, I thought- and honestly kind of hoped we would have a boy. For reasons I couldn't quite place. I remember coming home from the ultrasound, and feeling sort of morose. As I considered it further, I realized that I felt such a tremendous responsibility or pressure to raise a daughter 'right'. Immediately I questioned my own representation of being a woman. How do I raise her to be feminine, yet strong- how do I help her to love her body and her physical attributes without it being everything. How do I demonstrate meekness, yet courage. So many things, and so much responsibility. I knew having this daughter would be like this ongoing accountability... one I wasn't sure I was ready for.
After we had had our son home for about a month, we were giving him a bath one night and Brandon and I got to talking. I had noticed that Brandon wasn't as taken with Oliver as he had been and currently was with Lily. For awhile I just dismissed it as it being because Oliver was still so little, and really all he did was nurse and sleep. Whereas Lily was at the prime of cuteness- discovering the world anew each day. I figured it would just take some time for B to be on board with Oliver in the same way he was with Lily. But as we got to talking I realized he was going through much of the same feelings as I did with Lily. He began by saying, "Lily could grow up and be anything- a doctor, a hairstylist, a mom- anything and I wouldn't care- whatever she does will be perfect and I will be happy and proud, but with a son it feels different." He continued on by saying, "you know how when Owen (Blackwell) was born, so much emphasis was on how one day he would surf just like his dad (and mom), I realized that when you have a son, everyone has all these ideas of what sort of an athlete he will be- whether it's baseball, or surfing, or skating - whatever the dad does the son will naturally do- it's sort of intense. I feel like there is all these expectations on him to perform- and I feel like how he turns out is so dependent on me..." It was ironic to hear his thoughts, as I flashed back to how I felt and still feel raising a daughter, and how having a son felt so much different, almost easier.
As my daughter enters a new realm of development... she'll be 2 in may, I am wrestling more than ever with how to raise her "right"- or what i think is right... The crazy thing is I can do, and say all I want to her about being the perfect girl. But really, God taught me this right away with kids- we can talk all we want, but if we aren't walking the talk- it's futile. As Lily grows more cognisant each day, I realize how more than ever the importance of my love and representation of Christ in my own life is what will make her into who she needs to be. May God bless the broken road which leads me back to him....

I thought a picture was in order... but the real question is do I even still look like this? This morning I was getting ready- actually going to blow dry my hair... my son was sleeping and daughter - strangely enough was in her crib reading books- I was looking in the mirror and tripping out- which is something I do often- I was thinking is this really my life? Not in a bad way- just perplexed. I didn't have any make up on and I looked like I was in high school- well sort of- with lots of gray hair and a few wrinkles- but really it was one of those moments- like this is me but I have two kids. Am I even old enough, responsible enough- selfless enough, to have two kids? So I found this picture as my first post, I guess to try and remember if I still look like that- or more importantly is my personality - my heart- my soul the same as it was in this picture. I'll tell you what I remember about this day...

We were in France, Biarritz to be exact. It was a beautiful day. Brandon and I were hanging out on the beach, B was not surfing, bc like most of our vacations- there was no surf. So we were out on the little town, with no money. It was the most budget vacation I've ever been on. We were living in Edinburgh, Scotland and found flights for .01 pence. Thats like 2 cents here. So we found this "self-catering" accomadation and made the journey- which did involve sleeping in the terminal at London-stansted airport (which was pretty typical when you travel with ryanair) . Anyway the accomadations were beyond budget, we thought we could cook meals in the place, but we didn't have any of the basics, so we ended up eating baguettes and brie cheese most days. I remember vividly the one night we splurged on a nice dinner. We hopped onto our rented bikes and found a little restaraunt overlooking the cliffs in biarritz. Through the windows of this tiny little restaraunt, we saw an amazing night sky- only slightly tainted by the lights of the main strip. At this restarant I ate mussels for the first time- seriously fresh from the ocean- they were amazingly good- but what I remember the most was the wine- it waw white and from the region- but it was so dry and tasted so mineraly- not being a huge white wine drinker- I was soooo into it. I haven't found wine like that since. Which to some degree is okay, cause the way it seared my taste buds will always be reminscent of that night in France.

If I could've seen a flash of my life today that night, I'm sure I wouldn't have neccisarily been surprised... I mean I was married, kids next is natural. I guess the strange thing is I never could've imagined how i'd feel having kids- experiencing a love so deep, and so consuming, almost scary. All I thought about that night in Biarritz, or that time in my life was well myself. I loved God with all my heart, and was so focused on developing that, and enjoying my marriage- I never knew I could be so consumed by another love this side of heaven...

blogifi

Could it really be... I love a good blog right. Not really, I've really only read Jen's, but if she has a blog... then I really can have one. So here it is, my first entry. Not gonna be long, cause the nearly 2 year old is demanding my attention. I guess I wanted this to be about motherhood to some degree, but that even seems so un original. Yet to me it is sooo original. Feeling in the serious throws of having two kids, it seems all consuming... therefore it would be natural for the blog to have the mother feel- yet hopefully it will be more. So that's the beginning I guess. More later.