can you please get in touch with your un-crazy side?

the other day my best friend called me to ask me to pray for her son. he fell off a ladder in their house and hit his head pretty bad. they were rushing to the doctor because he started throwing up.




as a parent, there is nothing in this world more terrifying than seeing your child in pain.




in this pregnant brain of mine, i've definitely been getting in touch with my severly crazy side. i'm a pretty laid back person, and consequently a pretty laid back parent. the majority of my days are pre-occcupied with thoughts of how i can get my kids to eat more protein, behave civily, and for goodness sake -- go poop without crying.


however as of late- my former, somewhat peacebale thoughts have been trampled by some more severe topics...


such as...

'why do pedaphiles seem to target little blond haired girls?'

'we are all going to die of the swine flu this winter'

'in the night, someone will probably break into our house and kidnap our kids... and our good for nothing dog will just let it happen'

'brandon will probably get hit by a car on one of his long night runs out in the park'

'my whole family might die in a car accident like the chick from the biggest loser'



this is just the tip of the iceberg.



not that you need any ammo to believe i'm crazy, hey you read my blog right?




i know god is bigger than all of this. i know that when its our time... its our time and really there isn't any point laboring in it. yet i still go back to this place.


is it because i'm under the impression that because i thought of it myself beforehand i'll be that much more prepared if it does happen? not really. i think all of us would agree that there is no way to prepare for a tragedy. that we can choose to live every day in fear of what could happen, or we can take each day and treasure and enjoy what we have... like an amazing husband, and the two cutest kids in the world.




soooo today, i with my best friend will choose life... thank you jesus that he totally okay!

i wanna talk about me!

ahhh... back at linnea's for some more "me" time. just been reading my two favorite bloggers... and wonder to myself, "how rad would it be to just write blogs all the time and have thousands of people read it..." one can dream. this blogger is basically my alter ego. kinda like garth's chris gain's... though perhaps not as crude (as in i think it, but don't have the cajones to write it) --this woman truly, truly makes me laugh, and cry. this other one, is my latest indulgence, and though she's in a bit of a rough spot, she is funny as hell.

so anyway we had a fun weekend with the pollards visiting, and though i felt bad-- i did bail on everyone saturday night for a little girls night out. it was over drinks at guissepe's that we solved most of the world's problems, including our own marriages, our sex lives, and discussed some really good books. all in all it was good to get away, with little to no mention of our kids. not bad, for a group of women that has 13 kids between us all. towards the end of the evening i decided to steer the conversation towards something i'd been thinking bout recently.

it came about as i was going through pictures of my kids in their infant days. obviously most kids change quite a bit from birth, but to go from a mess of raging black hair to platinum blondes can be a bit drastic. naturally i started thinking about what tali will look like... will she finally be the one that gets b's striking blue eyes, or my freckles? will she be more mellow, or less girly than lils? i know i've gone through most of this before... but i got to thinking... what if we did get to choose??

so i asked b the other day on a family outing to san simeon, "if you could pass on one physical trait to your children, what would it be?

he paused, thought for a bit and said-- "prolly my back hair.... ha. just kidding. i don't know. maybe my blond hair?"

yeah, lucky you i thought, cuz you pretty much cloned our kids... most days i search for signs physically and emotionally for myself in those biscuits.

then i said, "if you could pass on one personality trait to the kids, what would it be?"

he said, "i don't know... i guess that i'm pretty easy going."

"really?" i said... "i think i should pick this one for you... even though its not really a personality trait, i would def choose your intelligence. i'd be so stoked if the kids got your brains."

needless to say, he liked that.

so then he asked me, and i won't embarrass myself with my first answer, cuz b rolled his eyes and told me i was totally vain. but after thinking it through, i decided my physical trait would be my boobs when i'm pregnant my metabolism- my friends tried to argue that wasn't a physical trait, but i'm gonna stick with it. As for personality... no brainer. my wit.

ha.... i know what y'all are thinking...
"you're so vain, you probably think this blog is about you, don't you, don't you?"

so now that i've succeeded in bragging myself and my husband out... what you guys got? i know that of the 12 of you that read this, half of you were at the girls night and already answered, but you could tell us all again? and lets hear from the other contingent uh?

sunday school

our conversation on the way to church today...

oz: 'mom, where we going?'
me: 'goin to chuch bud.'
oz: 'don't wanna go to church.'
lily: 'oz, its ok... you can be in my class today.'
oz: 'i wanna be in sissy's class mom.'
me: 'that's fine oz, you can be in sissy's class, it'll be fun.'
lily: 'yeah oz, you'll like my class. its really fun, we have mr. potato head, and playdough. but we also have a time where we learn a lesson about jesus.'
oz: 'oh, jesus.'
lily: 'yeah, jesus. jesus is in our heart (points to heart), but also up in the sky.
oz: 'oh, jesus is in the sky? like god?
lily: 'yeah, jesus came to earth though.'
oz: 'i scarry (scared) of god in the sky.'
lily: 'he's not scarry oz, he came to earth.'
oz: 'why did he come to earth?'
lily: 'he came to earth to come be with us, and to you know, build things and stuff. right mom?'
me: 'yeah, he built things.'
oz: 'like my pecker?'
lily: baffled
oz: 'mom, jesus came to earth to build my pecker right?'
me: 'uhhh, sure bud.'
oz: 'well, did he?'
me: 'yes oz, jesus built your pecker.'

once again, it all comes back to the pecker in the rodgers household.

presk mourning, technology woes, and FREEDOM

oh man is it trippy to just hang out at linnea's all morning. i got like a million thoughts foraging about. i just dropped my kids off at presk-- somewhat successfully i might add. and now i just get to chill the freak out.

its been awhile since i've got to rendezvous as a sultry (ahem slutty) coed. being 8 months pregnant, i can't exactly rock the polly dolly illusion. despite my bikini top (goin swimming after this) and my roxy shoes, i'm weighted down by my super cute new necklace from make pie with my 3 babies names on it, a fair share of grey hair, def more wrinkles than my alpha phi neighbor, and apparently an oversized laptop.

the last thing i thought i'd be self-conscious about as i imagined my leisurely morning was the size of my laptop.

i mean its no 13"MacBook, but its still a newish dell-- that's black and got a ben harper sticker on it. adding to my technology complex was the fact that i wasn't sure i'd know how to connect to linnea's free wireless network. do i need a password, a card, ethernet (wasn't that what we used in the dorms?). so many questions... however the stress of the technology has taken my mind off the fact that my babies really are growing up.

i tried not to get to sentimental about the kids first day of presk. i slept great (no surprise), and awoke with a spring in my step. of course i knew getting lily dressed would take a good 25 minutes, so i started early. after our usual shoe crisis, a little hair-do and some lip gloss she was ready to go. oz was easy peazy. my big goal was to get him to pee right before we left, and to my delight he even threw down a deuce on the potty. thankfully my mom met me there to assimilate oz. lily was cake, she had a couple friends from last year in her class, so she went in no prob. and again to my surprise, oz didn't cry when my mom left. it was a true miracle! so there i was, driving away alone... when suddenly i started feeling a twinge of sadness, and guilt or something weird.

but before i could get all crazy, i decided to start worrying. 'what if lily has to poop? there is no way she'll go at presk-- i hope she doesn't get mopey cuz she has to go, but won't. and 'i'm pretty sure there is no way oz is going to tell his teachers when he has to pee... even if he does are they ready for his slightly angled stream?' strange that both of my concerns for my kids involved the potty.

then i got to linnea's and seriously, and hour into this.... it's like-- 'what kids?'

this is gonna be a sweeeeet next couple months.

our dog days of summer

when i went upstairs to get ready for bed the other night, i saw the hat i'd been using during swim lessons, and felt a twinge of sadness. in so many ways i am sooooo ready to get this baby out and on with life, but as it really gets closer (ahem 2 months to go) i'm finding some of the feelings i had before oz was born surfacing. in no way is it as dramatic as this, but i have been noticing some little pangs sprouting up now and again like i did tonite.





before oz was born i felt so much trepidation and anxiety about how lily would do with another little biscuit in the mix. i was consumed with fear and apprehension about how her little world was gonna shift so dramatically. in hindsight, i recognize that her being only 19 months old when oz was born was such a gift, cuz she truly has no memory of life without him. everyone told me how great it'd be when they got older, and finally (as in the last 5 months) am i really seeing that. their age gap seems to be lessening daily, not only physically (as in i hear at least once a day, "are they twins?") but developmentally as well. they often almost feel like one kid, cuz despite their dramatically different taste in toys, their temperaments and schedules are one in the same. they wake about the same time, like the same foods, nap or don't nap, and go to bed at the same time. i can honestly say that having 2 kids has never been easier.





my goal for the summer was to keep the kids out of preschool and just have a lot of fun before tali comes. i imagined swim lessons, gymnastics, dance, horseback, vbs, beach days, kids museums, walks down by the bay, barbie jeep rides, camping, bonfires and ice cream. i got all of that and then some. it has been such a fun summer. i feel like my kids are thriving, and consequently so am i. i got a healthy bronze about my bossoming body and i just feel good inside and out. i feel fortunate and thankful to have the resources financially and geographically to get to do all these soul nourishing activities. so naturally as it comes to a close (not without one last family vaca to SD) i find myself a bit saddened to say goodbye. i'm realizing i was so pre-occupied with how we would fill our days, i never got so far as to process the end of them.





come this morning, i had the privilege to drop both my babies off at presk. it will be the first time in 4 years that i've had a set amount of hours to myself. let me just say, i am terribly excited. i know its only a month and half of this solitude before my 3rd offspring comes a roaring, but i'll tell you what... i'm gonna milk those 6 hrs a week for all they've got. i'm imagining long swims at the gym, reading and laying out by the pool, leisurely mornings at linnea's with the good book and a journal, and of course just some good ol fashioned laziness on my couch with matt, al and meredith. just as the summer passed in the blink of an eye, undoubtedly so will my solo time...





the kids-- well mostly lily are ecstatic to welcome tali into our family. daily, lily asks me if she can go through tali's clothes. just last night, as she was organizing and talking to herself about all tali's outfits, she turned to me and said, "mom, i cannot wait till tali's born."


melt.


it was so sincere, and unprompted. it really brings me overwhelming joy to know that lily is so ready for this baby. granted, i know it will be hard at times for her, but to know now that she has such a bright anticipation of a new baby now is so incredibly comforting. its almost like if they're ready, then why shouldn't i be?





so cheers to one bad ass summer.... but i got a sneakin suspicion fall could top it!

big mama

so i thought i'd take this five minute break from my pretzels and pub cheese to tell y'all bout my day. it's not something i've heard before, and frankly i'm a tad embarrassed, but i think i might feel better if i get it off my chest- ahem. well not my chest, cuz i'm likin them lately.



i digress.



rumor has it, i'm 29 weeks pregnant. that puts me in my 3rd trimester. its possible that at 29 weeks i look exactly the same as i did at 39 weeks when i was pregnant with lily. i know lots of pregnant moms like to put 'weekly' pictures up of their sprouting belly. you know the ones-- its taken by themselves in the mirror, making a cute, but not smiling face-- trying to look casual, but they're usually in one of their cuter maternity tank tops- or a wife beater, with little makeup, but definitely lipstick... i got nothing against that, its just not my thing. but since i was able to dig up this picture of me pregnant with lily - taken at about 39 weeks, i thought i'd take a current one just so you could see what a little gordita i've become.












don't say it, i know i look way young here,
and it is hard to tell just how small i am, but this
was me at 39 weeks i delivered 2 weeks later-
cuz lils was a week late.

haven't quite mastered the look, but

i'm trying! oz really enjoying it.

when i was pregnant with lily i never got those wow responses. as in 'wow, you've still got a long way to go!' or 'wow, are you sure you don't got twins in there?' or 'wow, that's going to be one big baby!' with lily, it was always like, 'wow, you are tiny! is the baby okay?' with oz, i got more of those wow you've really put it on comments and looks, but it still didn't really bother me. it was kind of a nice change after everyone being so 'concerned' that i was so small with lily. now i know many of you are thinking, come on holly. how big could you really be? your like a buck - ten with no baby, we don't feel sorry for you... well lets just say today at my 29 week check up with the midwives, our conversation went a bit like this:


midwife: 'well, you are about 29 weeks (pause as she checks her notes) and it looks like you've gained 25 lbs already. hmm, yeah. that's a bit on the high side.


me: 'oh, really? wow. gosh that came quick.'


midwife: 'yeah, you need to start paying closer attention to what you are eating, like--'


me: (interrupting and speaking emphatically) 'oh well, i used to be skinny. really. you didn't
know me before, but i swear i really am a skinny person underneath this.'


midwife: (looking at me peculiarly) 'well, its not a cause for concern yet, just stay away from high fat foods, sugar, dairy etc.'


me: 'oh, okay. yeah of course.'


normally i would've just laughed it off. but after weeks of people asking me when i'm due and me saying october, and them saying 'wow- lay off the moon pies already,' i kinda wonder if they are all onto something.



when i found out i was pregnant with tali, i'll admit i was kind of relieved. 10 months of no exercise, cowboy cookies by the dozen, ice cream for lunch and dinner, extra cheese and ranch... all guilt free. it was too good to be true. feeling like CRAP early on led to weeks of two or more asiago bagels a day, with cream cheese of course. apparently it caught up to me-- fast. at my first dr's appt i had gained 7 lbs. i resolved then and there to go out with a bang. gestational diabetes, hypertension... bring it. i want extra salt, cheese and sugar. all day long. for 40 weeks.



however now that i really am on my way to some serious lbs, i'm kinda starting to wonder... am i going to regret this come october when i push out a 7 lb baby and take home 40 lbs of my own? will the weight really just melt off like it did with the other two? will i look back and think all those cookies and hot tamales were worth it? will i look back and think i should've listened to all those comments of concern about my appearance?



i doubt it.


i've said it before, and i'll say it again... go big or go home.



and pass the pub cheese.

baby girls

i've never been a dancer. i've never been drawn to the color pink. and in the words of garth, my favorite white dress is my faded blue jeans. i was the first girl in slo county to play pop warner football, and i wore a 49ers hat most of my freshman year of high school.



i was your basic, good ol-fashioned tomboy.



in college i started wearing a bit of make-up and switched up my ol trusty plain white tee for a v neck. i finally traded in my sports bra and ventured into vicky's (lord knows i needed it). it wasn't until my high school boyfriend broke my heart my second year of college, that i realized i needed to push up my boobs - pull up my bootstraps and start acting and looking like a girl.

this transition wasn't difficult. though i was a tomboy at heart, i always had plenty of friends that were girls, some of them very girly. i started paying closer attention to how they put their make-up on, and the fine art of tight jeans and making your boobs look bigger than they are. i got a fake ID and hit the slo bar scene like a bat outta hell. just when i started getting a lot more attention from sleazy guys, i met and fell in love with brandon.

fast forward 3 years, we're married. with 2 more years, i'm pregnant, and find out our firstborn will be a baby girl. as i've mentioned before, i definitely felt some trepidation being a mom to a daughter. i was sure i was destined to be a mom of like 5 boys. how could i, a girl who's really new to the whole girl thing anyway, teach my own daughter to be a woman? well, fortunately for me, god wasn't gonna leave that task up to me... he gave me the girliest girl north of paris hilton. after a quick year with lily, another baby was made and we were sure we'd have another daughter. i'll never forget the ultrasound with oz after the technician left. i looked at b and he said with a sigh, "well i hope the next one's a girl." we had fallen head over heels for all the drama and tutu's of a little lily. we never anticipated how much joy having oz would bring to all of us.





since we made the decision to have another baby, we both felt like whatever we got was just a bonus. we already had a boy and a girl old enough to experience the exasperation and blessing of both that it didn't matter. since everyone told us from day one it was a girl, we weren't surprised to leave the ultrasound with this bit of good news.



lily was ecstatic.



the whole ultrasound she kept asking, "really its a girl, really you promise? it really is?" to lily a sister is beyond a dream come true. this isn't any surprise seeing as how she is surrounded by boys. the four friends i spend the most time with all have at least 2 (one with 3) boys each!





for me thinking about having another daughter brought a myriad of emotions.



first off i have to say the most amazing thing about it was/is seeing lily's sheer joy. it goes without saying she really wanted a sister, she prayed for one and wished for one on every star. i was nervous she's be severely disappointed or frustrated with god if it was a boy, but to my delight her wish came true. it was a such a tangible way for lily at barely 4 yrs of age to experience god's love for her. he was going to give her her first big wish... a sister.

as a mom having another daughter means so incredibly much to me. never having had a sister, i saw my friends with their sisters and often wondered if my lack of femininity was due to my lack of a female sibling. i see my friends with sisters even now and crave the bond they have. it makes me radiant inside to know that my daughters will have that one day. not to mention if i fail in the realm of teaching my second daughter to be a woman, she has lily- and really, lily is as girl as it gets.


in addition to their bond, i feel so fortunate to have increased my odds that at least one will like me! i know they will stray for a bit, but know from experience that they'll be back-- (unless i really go crazy)--cuz every girl needs her mama when she has a baby. as much as i hope oz would want me around, i can pretty much guarantee his wife won't! i guess in so many ways i too really feel loved by god. i honestly feel like he saw just what our family needed and gave it to us. my cup truly is overflowing.





i'm counting the minutes till miss tali june lights up our lives. i can't wait to get my hands on her.