Capital B

the shack, 2002

woolacombe, england 2003

mud bath, rotura, new zealand 2002

nothing says cool, like having your mid-drift showing

bay of islands, new zealand 2002

bay of islands, new zealand 2002

October 26, 2002

b shredding at sand dollar 2002

valnetines day york, england 2003

june 2009

i know i write about my kids. a lot.

after all, they consume about 95% of my thoughts-- leaving a small 5% for things like what i'm gonna cook for dinner, or how i can get a break from my kids...

sometimes the dog will get a shout-out, or my mom, the occasional friend, and once in a great while i'll mention my husband. well today i wanna make up for it. today, my man, brandon trevor rodgers turns 40, 32.

so how can i begin to tell the world- (all 9 of you who read this anyway) how lucky i am-- when i know the only present he wants involves a sentence with the words - install, exercise, pole, and bedroom? since that sounds as likely as it snowing in osos, my words will have to suffice.

having 3 kids in 4.5 years has, at times, left us more as roommates than the sultry lovers we once were... our days are devoted to food, diapers, clothes, trains and babies. the little time we do have for ourselves we spend half dozing on the couch. but then, just when i least expect, i'll catch a glimpse of why it is i fell so hard, so long ago for a tow-headed boy who worked at CCS.

a friend of mine asked me awhile back, 'would you rather have your husband be a good father or a good husband?' ten years ago, it was a no-brainer. good husband. i remember trying to be intentional about showing affection, or wondering what he would like best for dinner, or pining after him when he left for 2 weeks to go surfing in indo. i remember him bringing me flowers for no reason, or writing little cards or notes for me, or planning a romantic night out. i never could've imagined a day where i would rather have him rock the baby to sleep instead of cuddle me on the couch, or bring flowers home for his 4 yr old instead of me. i never thought seeing those gestures would seem more romantic than candles and dinner ever did....

i could go on and on about what an amazing father brandon is... from ALWAYS being the one to wake up with the kids, to never saying 'no' from the smallest will you change the babies diaper? to at the last minute, can i go get a drink with the girls and leave you with all 3 kids (for the record - if b wants a night away, i need like days to prepare, and even then, its likely with a disgruntled heart). its times like those, that i'm reminded that i got more than i deserved when i married brandon.

but even amidst those aspects of his character that i admire and adore, i see glimpses of a good man. from when i see him surfing the cayucos pier while the waves are scraping the bottom, to when he finished his ultra -marathon, to him getting his queer eye on and obsessing over what shade of yellow to paint the kitchen, to asking a stranger to hold their newborn baby. its times like those, i fall in love all over again.

though we've had some good times, we've come along way from smokin bowls in the cab of your white ford ranger or running around naked in big sur when we thought we were alone... i know neither of us can't help but recognize somewhere along the way, we got swooped up by grace... the fathers hand took ours, and took us --and gave us a life we never, ever could've a dreamed of.

i am so thankful i got to marry my very best friend...

so cheers to you b, on your 32nd, may you always know, you look like gold to me...

the birds and the bees...

it was a typical saturday morning.

i slept in while b and the kids came downstairs for some toons. after pancakes and a puddle jumping walk, the kids made their way to the bath. it was here, oz discovered his balls.

sidebar: i have a severe distaste for the words "P" and "V." in fact i despise them so much i won't even write them out here. i know all houses are different, but in our house they are affectionately termed pecker and gee gee. now a few months back my friend erin called me to tell me about how her son had discovered his, ahem, well, nuts. he was asking her what they were called, and she was at a loss. she wondered should she say, 'balls, junk, tenders, nards, gonads, tasties (b's suggestion) or your basic testicle (ewwwwww).' i said, gosh, i never thought of it- what would i say to oz should he ever ask?

well this lovely, rainy saturday we found out. oz was in the bath and tali started fussing. i went to get her, and i kinda forgot he was in there until he called me in a bit panicked....

oz: 'moooom, come here! come here!'

me: 'okay, okay, i'm coming. hold on a sec.'

oz: 'mom, hurry come here.'

i walk into the bathroom half expecting him to be in some sort of peril, but instead he's just sitting in the bath holding his manjigglies.

me: 'what's up bud?'

oz: 'what are these?'

me: (knowing he was explicitly holding his cojones) 'uh, that's your pecker bud. you know that.'

oz: 'no these!' (with a firm voice and a death grip on his man-tonsils)

me: 'oh, those. (long pause) those are your nutters.' (thanks to lealah and her family for the use of the word nutters).

oz: perplexed 'nutters?'

me: 'ya, your nutters.'

oz: 'well what are they for?'

me: 'well, that's where you keep your babies?' (i know, it was crazy. but i was trying to make it educational)

oz paused and thought for a second, then with a furrowed brow he looked up at me and said, 'well, will they be okay if i squeeze them?'

me: pause....at a loss 'ya, i guess' (thinking that vice grip can't feel good, but its his nap-sack)

oz: in a determined voice, 'will my babies be okay?'

me: resigned... 'ya, your babies will be okay'

so there you have it. oz found his nutters, and you and i found at least 6 or more new ways to say a word i loathe... its a win-win for the rodgers house.

you're just figuring this out?

i need to lighten up.

as i mentioned a few posts ago, having a new baby around seems to have shifted my perception of my 3 and 4 year old. when i look at tali i see that she is a little tiny baby capable of nothing outside of me. she can't feed, change or clothe herself. now when i look at my 3 and 4 year old, i see that when they feel like it they can feed, relieve, and clothe themselves. when they don't, i kinda want to break windows.

four months ago it wouldn't have been that big of deal to help lily sort through her myriads of clothes to find just the right outfit, or help oz hold his pecker down while he poops. in fact, i was just in the habit of recognizing that sometimes they need a little extra help...

and it isn't just the basic day to day things. i've always been a little crazy about manners and behavior. i think because my kids are naturally pretty mellow and well-behaved that when they do act up i find it almost un-tolerable.

over the holidays having so many people around, i felt especially on edge. not taking the time to consider that there were suddenly 5 or more people around than usual, and that they were just 6 weeks into having a new baby sister, i felt like their behaviour was not up to par. when the dust finally settled and i had the chance to de-brief with b, a few things stood out.

i don't need to feel crazy when when my kids mis-behave around their grandparents. it seems trivial, but it was like i finally realized that they are just kids. they are 3 and 4. that's really little. i've spent the last 4 years with very little tolerance for bad behavior. its time to lighten up. i'm all about dissolving tense situations with humor in the real world, its time i started doing it more with my kids. when my 4 year old tells someone she doesn't like them, i don't need to freak out on her. i have to recognize that that is really how she is feeling in that situation. does she know its not okay to say that? yes. does she say it anyway? yes. by letting her feel her feelings am i accepting defeat? no. i actually have the choice to deal with the situation with grace and move on.


after talking through all this with lealah she gave me some really good advice. but like the good friend she is, she first told me all the way worse things her kids had done--ha. as we were talking about our crazy expectations for our oldest, and how we are so much more laid back with the younger ones-- she said, 'the reason you're like that with lily is cuz you've never done 4.5. its easy to write it off when oz acts out cuz he's 3, and you've been through it plenty of times with lily and came out okay. but when lily does something new you're not sure what to do, cuz her age is, and always will be new to you.'

me relaxing doesn't just start and stop with the behavior- its in everything. like letting my kids make messes (finger painting all over each other) or creating a bug habitat using most of the flowers from our garden, or spraying each other with the hose while jumping on the tramp, or even cracking eggs with the huge risk of shell bits falling in the bowl. before, those things would make me so uptight i'd put an end to them... now i'm just cleaning up after them. no shoes, no shirt, no problem. lets live a little uh?


realizing that my kids seem to be turning out okay has recently giving me the freedom to loosen up. i'm finding that more grace for them is actually turning into better behavior. they seem to be treating each other better and obeying me and b faster. i still have a few freak out moments like when lily decides to lift her shirt to reveal a tiny tank top and announce to everyone she sees that 'she has a bra on,' or when oz yells at his friends when they aren't sharing, 'you're in a bad, bad choice!' but all in all, i've definitely taken some steps to chill the freak out.

as i've mentioned before, i want to look back on these years of my life as a time full of joy.

the other night my mom was over, and b was making a fire. the kids were playing a game, and tali was chillin in the bouncy. my mom turned to me and said, 'hol, these are the best years of your life. you are going to look back on this time and remember it with such a joyful heart.' my response was, 'really? i've never thought of that before.' 'oh yeah,' said my mom, 'are you kidding? this is the sweetest time in raising kids. think about it-- they are home all the time, you have complete control, and they just think the world of you!'

after she left and i thought about what she said, i realized she had a point. even though most days i feel like i'm gasping for air, it is such a special and unique time... the last thing i want to do is wish i was more present.

so here's to 2010, i'm gonna lighten up, play with my kids more, and really try my very best to enjoy and remember these sweet days.

rainy day schedule...

on our rainy days, we like to do our annual 'update the ipod' and then dance our hearts out...

this first one is an old classic for us...






this second one i think really highlights all those weeks of hip work at hula. its pretty obvious that the kids have inherited my stellar dancing skills. i couldn't be happier... and through this i can honestly say, i would LOVE to learn how to bollywood dance. and i rarely, if ever use the word LOVE and DANCE in the same sentence.

and now its 2010

all i have to look forward to now is the superbowl... which will still be awesome even though the niners didn't even make the play-0ffs.

as bittersweet as this time of year can be, the one thing i really get into is a good new years resolution.


it seems as though most people i know could care less about making resolutions come january 1. yet for me, i love an opportunity to strive to make some real change in my life. on our drive down to el capitan, b and i began our discussion about what we were gonna shoot for in 2010. b was rearing to go, he already had two resolutions in order. as we talked, i realized i hadn't thought much about it yet. but as i took the time to think about it that day and night, by the 31st i was pretty sure i'd figured out my main one.
i think one of the hardest things about making new years resolutions is knowing that you will likely fail, so i suppose this is my vain attempt to create some accountability for myself.
without further ado... i present the new holly in 2010.





-numero uno- play with my kids more. so what do i do all day at home (which i am increasingly thankful for) when i'm not playing with my kids?

try to stay sane.

i get super covetous of my time throughout the day. if the baby is awake then i need to nurse her, or rock her to sleep, or change her--so i'm to preoccupied to play with oz and lil. but if she's asleep, then i think, 'i can finally fold the laundry or unload the dishwasher, or start making dinner'... so between the housework and the baby, i'm left with little time to play 'truckbabies.' they beg me all day long, so when i finally give in it looks a bit like this.


kids: 'mooooom, please (i added that for effect-rarely do they say please) come play with us. come play babies! come play trucks!'

me: 'okay, just let me finish reading this blog reading my bible.'

kids: 'mom, come on!'

me: 'fine, okay, lets play truckbabies'


this is the part where i go in their room, get ozzy's trucks out and start discussing what rebecca ruben is going to wear to the ice capades. then after about 2.5 minutes i get insanely bored and say...


me: 'okay, rebecca looks great. i'm just going to 1) make myself some tea, 2) make a quick phone call, or 3) i think i hear the baby'



then i exit and usually they have had enough interaction to keep playing by themselves.

yet just the other day as i stared into my baby girls baby blues (praying they stay blue!) i thought, this really is my last baby (out my tummy anyway). i am soooo in love with this child-- its crazy. whats even crazier is to think i could ever be mad or frustrated with her, like i am every other minute with the 4 and 3 yr old. but it was at the beach on wed as i watched lily and oz play with the blackwell and buchanan boys i realized that next year lils will be in kindergarten and life will be much different for us. this time of having 3 kids at home is never almost ending. as boring as playing with my kids so often seems, i do know one thing for sure--i don't want to look back and think that cleaning the fridge or mopping the floor was more important than helping oz find thomas' coal tender, or discussing tali's clothes with lily. i know i'll be one of those crazy moms that says, 'remember when...' all the time to their kids and husband, and the last thing i want them to say is 'i can't ever remember you playing with us, but our sheets were always clean.'


numero dos- i really feel like this should be number one, simply because of the supreme importance of it, and the way it impacts/shapes/defines every area of my life. i'm not even sure how to put a title to it, but ultimately it involves god, faith, joy and me. its obvious to most that the perils of parenthood can veil every certain areas of your life that once shone. for me i used to love reading, writing, playing sports, etc... now i'm lucky to post a blog once a month, actually finish the book my book club is reading, or find 20 mins to run a few times a week. my physical, and emotional existence is completely smothered consumed by my children. if i'm not nursing one, i'm trying to dress another, unload the dishwasher, pick up the toys... you get it (most of you live it, right?!) anyway, my point is the few minutes of 'me' time i do have involves mindless loafing on the interwebs, talking on the phone to my friends, or in the evenings -- watching tv. yet i'm continually asking how am i supposed to have the energy and joy in being a stay at home mom if i'm not filling myself with things that are eternal? how are my kids going to grow up with a real, unwavering faith if they never see their parents walk it out? i know that going to church most sundays, and praying before bed every night isn't enough. i want to have a passion for god that permeates every area of my life. i want my kids and friends to see my joy and know that it comes from something bigger than this life can offer. after a convicting message from rev 3 on sunday, b and i went to dinner and were able to discuss how we can purge this lukewarm lifestyle. we came away feeling challenged and motivated.
so here's to 2010- i pray its a year of lasting change for my family and yours... i'd love to hear what y'all striving for. i'm always looking for something new to tack on to my list...

10 weeks yo!

the bigger the hair, the closer to god

chunky monkey crunch...

i'm starving

well now that the baby is almost 10 weeks, i thought i'd do a little comparison shoot.
as you can see from the pictures, she seems to favor lily more than oz, but still seems to have her own look. but then again, lil and oz at 10 weeks looked nothing alike... and now they get mistaken for twins at least once a day. in any event there is one major concrete difference between tali and the other two. see if you can guess????
the word on the street is she just may look like me-- you be the judge.

oh and ps- tali's hair sticks straight up, with no help from us. so if you see us on the street, please don't think we styled it-- i know its hard to believe, but honestly, we're not that vain...

bitches be crazy

i'm not sure why i thought having 3 kids wouldn't be that big of a transition. i guess i just figured since my older two were only 19 months apart and have evolved into one crazy ass toddler, adding another in the mix wouldn't be such a big deal.

i was wrong.

this last month i've had either my mom, or my mother in law around to ease me into this new world. in addition, i've had 3 solid weeks of meals (i swear i have the best friends ever!). these next few weeks reality sets in.

and i'm scared s---less.

maybe it has something to do with the fact that getting my 4.5 yr old dressed often feels like a wwf smackdown. or perhaps that my son refuses breakfast, lunch and dinner unless its cold pizza or cheerios. or maybe its because my precious newborn daughter thinks pacifiers are for wussies. or maybe, just maybe its because i'm realizing i cannot meet all the 'needs' of these little terrors angels.

i remember feeling overwhelmed after oz was born. i felt like my 19 month old daughter should suddenly be acting like a 4 yr old. i was having a hard time tolerating her crying and whining, and just general 1.5 yr old behaviour. if oz was crying, i felt frustrated with her. for whatever reason, i had even less patience than usual- which is already something i know i desperately lack.

i can feel myself falling into that space again. once again, the brunt of it falling on my now 4.5 yr old.

i've always felt an unusually strong maternal instinct towards my daughter. whether its because she was my first born, or because she's a girl, i don't know. but i've often struggled with this need for her to be something she's not-- me.

from the beginning i knew lily was going to be high maintenance. from her coming out screeching, to b having to pace from our living room to our kitchen for weeks in the middle of the night just to get her to sleep. i know a lot of it was us me.

although most would describe me as pretty laid back, i've thought and re-thought most details of my life-- i'm just not super vocal about it. so naturally, to have a drama queen for a daughter kind of goes against what i've been trying to avoid my entire life. i've worked hard to give off the illusion that i'm not high strung, or emotional or a control freak, so to have this daughter who embodies all this creates a real chasm for me --whether i admit it or not.

the reality is, i love being a woman. but i often have a hard time with the stereotypes that come with it. i've written about it before, but i often struggle with how to be strong and vocal, but not bitchy and overpowering. so much of being a strong woman quickly gets converted into something negative. i want to embrace all the things that make us girls what we are. i want it to be okay for me to be emotional and dramatic and high maintenance, but more importantly i want it to be okay for my daughter to be. i want to love her and guide her into harnessing those crazy aspects of her personality into being some bad ass doctor, or CEO someday. i don't want to feel conflicted about what the bible says about being docile and submissive, but i also don't want to raise a narcissistic brat. i want my husband and my inlaws to enjoy having little girls and to not be burdened by it, or apprehensive of the future. i want to be able to embrace the drama and not try and kick its ass everyday.

so how do i handle those mornings when i realize the ONE pair of socks lily will wear right now are dirty? or when she insists on changing her outfit just to run to the grocery store real quick? or when she gets super attitudy and mean around her grandparents, or brother, or us? do i freak out on her (like i want to so bad and regretfully have) and tell her she's being totally unreasonable about her socks or that she won't have any friends if she doesn't change her attitude? or do i make myself a drink take a deep deep breath, pray for patience and the wisdom to handle the situation?

chances are, these days.. i'll chose to freak out... cuz after all

bitches. be. crazy.

myself included.