bitches be crazy

i'm not sure why i thought having 3 kids wouldn't be that big of a transition. i guess i just figured since my older two were only 19 months apart and have evolved into one crazy ass toddler, adding another in the mix wouldn't be such a big deal.

i was wrong.

this last month i've had either my mom, or my mother in law around to ease me into this new world. in addition, i've had 3 solid weeks of meals (i swear i have the best friends ever!). these next few weeks reality sets in.

and i'm scared s---less.

maybe it has something to do with the fact that getting my 4.5 yr old dressed often feels like a wwf smackdown. or perhaps that my son refuses breakfast, lunch and dinner unless its cold pizza or cheerios. or maybe its because my precious newborn daughter thinks pacifiers are for wussies. or maybe, just maybe its because i'm realizing i cannot meet all the 'needs' of these little terrors angels.

i remember feeling overwhelmed after oz was born. i felt like my 19 month old daughter should suddenly be acting like a 4 yr old. i was having a hard time tolerating her crying and whining, and just general 1.5 yr old behaviour. if oz was crying, i felt frustrated with her. for whatever reason, i had even less patience than usual- which is already something i know i desperately lack.

i can feel myself falling into that space again. once again, the brunt of it falling on my now 4.5 yr old.

i've always felt an unusually strong maternal instinct towards my daughter. whether its because she was my first born, or because she's a girl, i don't know. but i've often struggled with this need for her to be something she's not-- me.

from the beginning i knew lily was going to be high maintenance. from her coming out screeching, to b having to pace from our living room to our kitchen for weeks in the middle of the night just to get her to sleep. i know a lot of it was us me.

although most would describe me as pretty laid back, i've thought and re-thought most details of my life-- i'm just not super vocal about it. so naturally, to have a drama queen for a daughter kind of goes against what i've been trying to avoid my entire life. i've worked hard to give off the illusion that i'm not high strung, or emotional or a control freak, so to have this daughter who embodies all this creates a real chasm for me --whether i admit it or not.

the reality is, i love being a woman. but i often have a hard time with the stereotypes that come with it. i've written about it before, but i often struggle with how to be strong and vocal, but not bitchy and overpowering. so much of being a strong woman quickly gets converted into something negative. i want to embrace all the things that make us girls what we are. i want it to be okay for me to be emotional and dramatic and high maintenance, but more importantly i want it to be okay for my daughter to be. i want to love her and guide her into harnessing those crazy aspects of her personality into being some bad ass doctor, or CEO someday. i don't want to feel conflicted about what the bible says about being docile and submissive, but i also don't want to raise a narcissistic brat. i want my husband and my inlaws to enjoy having little girls and to not be burdened by it, or apprehensive of the future. i want to be able to embrace the drama and not try and kick its ass everyday.

so how do i handle those mornings when i realize the ONE pair of socks lily will wear right now are dirty? or when she insists on changing her outfit just to run to the grocery store real quick? or when she gets super attitudy and mean around her grandparents, or brother, or us? do i freak out on her (like i want to so bad and regretfully have) and tell her she's being totally unreasonable about her socks or that she won't have any friends if she doesn't change her attitude? or do i make myself a drink take a deep deep breath, pray for patience and the wisdom to handle the situation?

chances are, these days.. i'll chose to freak out... cuz after all

bitches. be. crazy.

myself included.