bitterness runneth over

my husband rarely sits still. he is the opposite of idle. if he's not working on our neva-ending house, surfing, running, checking the surf, mountain biking, or mowing the lawn-- you still won't find him loafing on the couch. i've seen him nap maybe eight times in 10 years. to put it lightly, the dude is always doing something.

for someone like me who's hobbies consist of sitting on the couch, reading, bronzing and 49er football, i sure can seem like a real loser. yet i digress... this post isn't about me, i think.

back to b. so, even though he has a truckload of hobbies to engage in, he's always looking for the next big thing. a couple weekends ago he and 3 of his buddies loaded up their shiz and headed to the american river to try their hand at river rafting. now, i'm not one to brag, but on our honeymoon in NZ, b and i not only went bungee jumping and black water rafting, but we also river rafted the highest (14 ft) commercially rafted waterfall. i know, i'm kind of a bad ass... so how fun could a water rafting trip with his buddies really be?

when b and his buddies decided they'd do this, they took all the necessary steps- as in got permission from their wives.


now did i mention i'm 9 months pregnant, and i've got 2 kids? did you know that picking up hot wheels and doll clothes-- let alone putting on my shoes is a real struggle? *did you know that this "little weekend away" translates into 3 bedtimes alone, 8 meals alone, and worst of all 3-4 hours of getting our daughter to poop.* now i'm not trying to act like a martyr here, but really i just want you to understand where i'm coming from.


needless to say, surviving each week in my 'condition' is no easy feat. so to have b leave for the whole weekend (as in get home at 11pm sunday night) all to just start it all again solo monday morning was more than a sacrifice. not to mention hours of having to feel a bit crazy all weekend wondering if he was even still alive...

so to have him come home all fired up about river rafting was a bit much. i shouldn't have been surprised at his new found enthusiasm. afterall- nothing like a new hobbie right?


but...looking up videos on youtube of all the different "big" rapids he went down (cuz to be honest the footage they captured looked like the hot tub at kennedy with the jets on), and telling me how much beer they got to drink was a little more than i could muster up enthusiasm for.

did i mention i haven't had a drink in 9 months?

...staying up to the wee hours of night researching river rafting equipment, and places to go in the 'off-season'....

really?

i know i sound like a a whining, bitter wife dripping faucet. and most of you are thinking, 'get over it you selfish biaatch'. and maybe you're right. i should be a little happy for him. he had fun-- he's got a stressful life - having to sit at a desk all day making important decisions about temperature...


and really, if i'm completely honest, after seeing their little video about the weekend, i may or may not have cracked a wee smile and felt just a twinge of happiness for him... which is good. i'm glad they had their adventure, their pictures, their beer and their fun. cuz really...


he's. never. leaving. again.

*i was not completely alone... my mom - like always- came through for a significant amount of the trip... but i was alone for the worst part... the poop.*

to DO IT or not... that is the question

now that i'm nearing the end of this epic pregnancy, i thought i'd take a moment to highlight some of the pros and cons of being knocked up.

in case you were on the fence about whether or not to have another kid... maybe i can shed some light on the situation for you.

since i'm a naturally a cynical optimist, i'll start with pros.



PROS


- hall pass to eat whatever you want- guilt free (unless you go to my midwives)

-not having to work-out for 10 months if you don't want to

- people in general are very nice to pregnant women- they open doors, and just smile at you. or yell "you're awesome!" while getting in the pool at the gym.

-there's nothing quite like feeling your baby move- like a unicorn thrashing ladybug kisses

-ahem- a definitely increased libido- ahem

-and while we're on the topic--- big boobs (not yet full of milk)

-witnessing your daughters sheer joy in knowing that god is giving her a sister

-little tiny pink onesies



CONS

-feeling hungover for a good 6 weeks to start

-the in-between time when people aren't sure if you're pregnant and just think you are getting fat

-all the tests and procedures-- worrying if your baby is healthy

-all those comments... you know the ones.

-get this thing out of me. NOW. feeling sooooo done.

-umm, labor and delivery.

-feeling crazy in your head

-pee. ALL THE TIME

-i could really use a drink


hmm, looks like cons outweigh the pros... but did i mention, that in about a months time i, lord willingly, will have in my arms a living miracle? yeah, i'm pretty sure that blows doors on any con....

can you please get in touch with your un-crazy side?

the other day my best friend called me to ask me to pray for her son. he fell off a ladder in their house and hit his head pretty bad. they were rushing to the doctor because he started throwing up.




as a parent, there is nothing in this world more terrifying than seeing your child in pain.




in this pregnant brain of mine, i've definitely been getting in touch with my severly crazy side. i'm a pretty laid back person, and consequently a pretty laid back parent. the majority of my days are pre-occcupied with thoughts of how i can get my kids to eat more protein, behave civily, and for goodness sake -- go poop without crying.


however as of late- my former, somewhat peacebale thoughts have been trampled by some more severe topics...


such as...

'why do pedaphiles seem to target little blond haired girls?'

'we are all going to die of the swine flu this winter'

'in the night, someone will probably break into our house and kidnap our kids... and our good for nothing dog will just let it happen'

'brandon will probably get hit by a car on one of his long night runs out in the park'

'my whole family might die in a car accident like the chick from the biggest loser'



this is just the tip of the iceberg.



not that you need any ammo to believe i'm crazy, hey you read my blog right?




i know god is bigger than all of this. i know that when its our time... its our time and really there isn't any point laboring in it. yet i still go back to this place.


is it because i'm under the impression that because i thought of it myself beforehand i'll be that much more prepared if it does happen? not really. i think all of us would agree that there is no way to prepare for a tragedy. that we can choose to live every day in fear of what could happen, or we can take each day and treasure and enjoy what we have... like an amazing husband, and the two cutest kids in the world.




soooo today, i with my best friend will choose life... thank you jesus that he totally okay!

i wanna talk about me!

ahhh... back at linnea's for some more "me" time. just been reading my two favorite bloggers... and wonder to myself, "how rad would it be to just write blogs all the time and have thousands of people read it..." one can dream. this blogger is basically my alter ego. kinda like garth's chris gain's... though perhaps not as crude (as in i think it, but don't have the cajones to write it) --this woman truly, truly makes me laugh, and cry. this other one, is my latest indulgence, and though she's in a bit of a rough spot, she is funny as hell.

so anyway we had a fun weekend with the pollards visiting, and though i felt bad-- i did bail on everyone saturday night for a little girls night out. it was over drinks at guissepe's that we solved most of the world's problems, including our own marriages, our sex lives, and discussed some really good books. all in all it was good to get away, with little to no mention of our kids. not bad, for a group of women that has 13 kids between us all. towards the end of the evening i decided to steer the conversation towards something i'd been thinking bout recently.

it came about as i was going through pictures of my kids in their infant days. obviously most kids change quite a bit from birth, but to go from a mess of raging black hair to platinum blondes can be a bit drastic. naturally i started thinking about what tali will look like... will she finally be the one that gets b's striking blue eyes, or my freckles? will she be more mellow, or less girly than lils? i know i've gone through most of this before... but i got to thinking... what if we did get to choose??

so i asked b the other day on a family outing to san simeon, "if you could pass on one physical trait to your children, what would it be?

he paused, thought for a bit and said-- "prolly my back hair.... ha. just kidding. i don't know. maybe my blond hair?"

yeah, lucky you i thought, cuz you pretty much cloned our kids... most days i search for signs physically and emotionally for myself in those biscuits.

then i said, "if you could pass on one personality trait to the kids, what would it be?"

he said, "i don't know... i guess that i'm pretty easy going."

"really?" i said... "i think i should pick this one for you... even though its not really a personality trait, i would def choose your intelligence. i'd be so stoked if the kids got your brains."

needless to say, he liked that.

so then he asked me, and i won't embarrass myself with my first answer, cuz b rolled his eyes and told me i was totally vain. but after thinking it through, i decided my physical trait would be my boobs when i'm pregnant my metabolism- my friends tried to argue that wasn't a physical trait, but i'm gonna stick with it. As for personality... no brainer. my wit.

ha.... i know what y'all are thinking...
"you're so vain, you probably think this blog is about you, don't you, don't you?"

so now that i've succeeded in bragging myself and my husband out... what you guys got? i know that of the 12 of you that read this, half of you were at the girls night and already answered, but you could tell us all again? and lets hear from the other contingent uh?

sunday school

our conversation on the way to church today...

oz: 'mom, where we going?'
me: 'goin to chuch bud.'
oz: 'don't wanna go to church.'
lily: 'oz, its ok... you can be in my class today.'
oz: 'i wanna be in sissy's class mom.'
me: 'that's fine oz, you can be in sissy's class, it'll be fun.'
lily: 'yeah oz, you'll like my class. its really fun, we have mr. potato head, and playdough. but we also have a time where we learn a lesson about jesus.'
oz: 'oh, jesus.'
lily: 'yeah, jesus. jesus is in our heart (points to heart), but also up in the sky.
oz: 'oh, jesus is in the sky? like god?
lily: 'yeah, jesus came to earth though.'
oz: 'i scarry (scared) of god in the sky.'
lily: 'he's not scarry oz, he came to earth.'
oz: 'why did he come to earth?'
lily: 'he came to earth to come be with us, and to you know, build things and stuff. right mom?'
me: 'yeah, he built things.'
oz: 'like my pecker?'
lily: baffled
oz: 'mom, jesus came to earth to build my pecker right?'
me: 'uhhh, sure bud.'
oz: 'well, did he?'
me: 'yes oz, jesus built your pecker.'

once again, it all comes back to the pecker in the rodgers household.

presk mourning, technology woes, and FREEDOM

oh man is it trippy to just hang out at linnea's all morning. i got like a million thoughts foraging about. i just dropped my kids off at presk-- somewhat successfully i might add. and now i just get to chill the freak out.

its been awhile since i've got to rendezvous as a sultry (ahem slutty) coed. being 8 months pregnant, i can't exactly rock the polly dolly illusion. despite my bikini top (goin swimming after this) and my roxy shoes, i'm weighted down by my super cute new necklace from make pie with my 3 babies names on it, a fair share of grey hair, def more wrinkles than my alpha phi neighbor, and apparently an oversized laptop.

the last thing i thought i'd be self-conscious about as i imagined my leisurely morning was the size of my laptop.

i mean its no 13"MacBook, but its still a newish dell-- that's black and got a ben harper sticker on it. adding to my technology complex was the fact that i wasn't sure i'd know how to connect to linnea's free wireless network. do i need a password, a card, ethernet (wasn't that what we used in the dorms?). so many questions... however the stress of the technology has taken my mind off the fact that my babies really are growing up.

i tried not to get to sentimental about the kids first day of presk. i slept great (no surprise), and awoke with a spring in my step. of course i knew getting lily dressed would take a good 25 minutes, so i started early. after our usual shoe crisis, a little hair-do and some lip gloss she was ready to go. oz was easy peazy. my big goal was to get him to pee right before we left, and to my delight he even threw down a deuce on the potty. thankfully my mom met me there to assimilate oz. lily was cake, she had a couple friends from last year in her class, so she went in no prob. and again to my surprise, oz didn't cry when my mom left. it was a true miracle! so there i was, driving away alone... when suddenly i started feeling a twinge of sadness, and guilt or something weird.

but before i could get all crazy, i decided to start worrying. 'what if lily has to poop? there is no way she'll go at presk-- i hope she doesn't get mopey cuz she has to go, but won't. and 'i'm pretty sure there is no way oz is going to tell his teachers when he has to pee... even if he does are they ready for his slightly angled stream?' strange that both of my concerns for my kids involved the potty.

then i got to linnea's and seriously, and hour into this.... it's like-- 'what kids?'

this is gonna be a sweeeeet next couple months.

our dog days of summer

when i went upstairs to get ready for bed the other night, i saw the hat i'd been using during swim lessons, and felt a twinge of sadness. in so many ways i am sooooo ready to get this baby out and on with life, but as it really gets closer (ahem 2 months to go) i'm finding some of the feelings i had before oz was born surfacing. in no way is it as dramatic as this, but i have been noticing some little pangs sprouting up now and again like i did tonite.





before oz was born i felt so much trepidation and anxiety about how lily would do with another little biscuit in the mix. i was consumed with fear and apprehension about how her little world was gonna shift so dramatically. in hindsight, i recognize that her being only 19 months old when oz was born was such a gift, cuz she truly has no memory of life without him. everyone told me how great it'd be when they got older, and finally (as in the last 5 months) am i really seeing that. their age gap seems to be lessening daily, not only physically (as in i hear at least once a day, "are they twins?") but developmentally as well. they often almost feel like one kid, cuz despite their dramatically different taste in toys, their temperaments and schedules are one in the same. they wake about the same time, like the same foods, nap or don't nap, and go to bed at the same time. i can honestly say that having 2 kids has never been easier.





my goal for the summer was to keep the kids out of preschool and just have a lot of fun before tali comes. i imagined swim lessons, gymnastics, dance, horseback, vbs, beach days, kids museums, walks down by the bay, barbie jeep rides, camping, bonfires and ice cream. i got all of that and then some. it has been such a fun summer. i feel like my kids are thriving, and consequently so am i. i got a healthy bronze about my bossoming body and i just feel good inside and out. i feel fortunate and thankful to have the resources financially and geographically to get to do all these soul nourishing activities. so naturally as it comes to a close (not without one last family vaca to SD) i find myself a bit saddened to say goodbye. i'm realizing i was so pre-occupied with how we would fill our days, i never got so far as to process the end of them.





come this morning, i had the privilege to drop both my babies off at presk. it will be the first time in 4 years that i've had a set amount of hours to myself. let me just say, i am terribly excited. i know its only a month and half of this solitude before my 3rd offspring comes a roaring, but i'll tell you what... i'm gonna milk those 6 hrs a week for all they've got. i'm imagining long swims at the gym, reading and laying out by the pool, leisurely mornings at linnea's with the good book and a journal, and of course just some good ol fashioned laziness on my couch with matt, al and meredith. just as the summer passed in the blink of an eye, undoubtedly so will my solo time...





the kids-- well mostly lily are ecstatic to welcome tali into our family. daily, lily asks me if she can go through tali's clothes. just last night, as she was organizing and talking to herself about all tali's outfits, she turned to me and said, "mom, i cannot wait till tali's born."


melt.


it was so sincere, and unprompted. it really brings me overwhelming joy to know that lily is so ready for this baby. granted, i know it will be hard at times for her, but to know now that she has such a bright anticipation of a new baby now is so incredibly comforting. its almost like if they're ready, then why shouldn't i be?





so cheers to one bad ass summer.... but i got a sneakin suspicion fall could top it!