firstborn

"our deepest fear is that we are inadequate..." and so the saying goes. i can't ever remember the rest, i suppose that there is some sort of redemption at the end, but the beginning is what often resonates for me.

i've touched on this subject before, and somehow i know this won't be the last time. and really, i'm still trying to figure out why i feel so passionate about it.

most days i feel totally inadequate raising a daughter.

perhaps its because i feel like i have big shoes to fill- i can't ever remember a time when i really didn't like or was truly mad at my own mother. and to this day, we have an amazing friendship. so why should it be so hard to facilitate that with my own daughter?

well, it could be a myriad of reasons. lets first examine her. perhaps the thing that frightens me the most is just how different we are. did i mention that she's only 2? i don't remember what i was like at 2, but i can tell you that when i was 8 i was the first girl to play tackle football (pop warner) in this county. i'm lucky if i can get lily to go down a slide by herself. my favorite white dress is faded blue jeans. lily wretches if she cannot wear a skirt every minute... of every day. lily loves anything and everything princess. i think cinderella needs to sack up and tell her stepmom to beat it, it was her house anyway.... those are just a few examples of our distinctions.

i know, she's 2. her behavior and tendencies are perfectly normal for a 2 year old girl. she is not the exception. but i will ask you. how do you respond when your sweet, tender little girl who just adores and worships every little thing about cinderella and consequently despises those mean stepsisters (who by the way, always "make bad choices") tells you when she feels like being beastly, that she wants to be a mean stepsister- because she wants to be mean that badly. or, what do you do, or say, when that same cute little girl is on the floor writhing because she simply cannot leave the house in anything but a skirt and shiny shoes.

is it that i fear our differences will inhibit us from a thriving friendship later in life? or is it that i fear so much that the way i discipline or don't discipline her will impair her overall well being? or maybe its just that she really isn't like me and we won't ever connect in this magical way i imagined we would. if that is the case i do recognize that i need to get over myself. so what if she doesn't turn out like me- as if i've been rationed the winning personality- there's a lengthy list of things i wish was... and when i think of my closest friends- save lealah, none are much like me at all. i would be honored, and so proud if i raised a emily harper, or shelley blackwell, or jenny schlenker- i could go on- but you get the point.

i guess all i really know is that, yes, she is only 2. and some days are a lot harder than others. i just fear becoming that mom... you know- the mom from spanglish, or american beauty...

regardless of who i become, this much i know... lily will break my heart, likely more than once. and i will continue to blow it, but maybe, just maybe, we could have some laughs along the way.

dig it.. cabifi

Here are some pictures from the vacation, some of the first ones you see are just from around the house and the harvest festival that snuck in... you will be able to tell when the cabo ones come up, due to the amount of skin (lily's) showing... not to many naki ones this time!!! she's becoming quite modest in her old age...

well, we had a very successful vacation... it was, perhaps, our best yet.
things we've learned from past vacations:

-the perfect amount of time to vacation with kids - 5 days.
-flying out of SLO is def worth the extra money
-benedryl really does knock em out (we didn't have to use it this time, but we have in the past!)
-toddlers love airplanes
-oz flies great even with an ear infection
-it's worth paying to stay somewhere, rather than trying to save a buck and stay with friends who live in a trailer--- j/k we wouldn't have stayed with them!
-cabo is the perfect distance to fly with kids
-never, ever go to cabo in july, august or september. late october is perfect weather wise
- going on vacation with other people who have kids is a win win


gosh, so much to say about the vacation... we'll start with the highlights...

-the kids flew great
-their colds seem to disappear in mexico- but returned upon arrival...
-the boys and shelley getting really good waves- this is a true highlight, b/c in true rodgers fashion, B never gets good waves on vacation
-having a professional photographer on vacation with us... thanks si!
-going out to eat with 6 adults and 6 kids- you can imagine the chaos
-watching elias fearless in the water- shore pound and all
-seeing max shred at swimming
-forgetting oz was even with us, cause he was so mellow
-lily wanting max and owen around, but never wanting them to touch any of her babies
-Jeramiah and Simon catching a fish by merely using a childrens play bucket
- the kids being in awe of the fish, and lily naming it nemo- how original
-simon, who does not drink, mastering the art of pina colodas for the rest of us to indulge
-shelley making some amazing sashimi with the freshest ahi around
-having my husband around for 5 days straight!
-lily watching cinderella and telling Brandon that she wants to wear a "real pretty dress" and marry him when she gets older
-the kids sleeping really well in the condo- thanks to the black hole bedroom
-the evening swim our last night there
-no montezuma's revenge for anyone
-getting a couple's massage with... shelley???
-getting my bronze on
hmmm, i guess that's all i got for now.
all in all, thanks pollards and especially blackwells for a very memorable and radical vacation!

next.... part 1

there is no denying that it has been awhile... oh how i've missed my blogifi. no real excuses, just a bit of your basic writers bloc... i am going to start using literary terms like that--- b/c (drum roll please) i am seriously considering going back to school.

that's right, school? me? for those of you that know me- which consists of anyone reading this- you know that academia and me aren't so snug. we flirt, but there has never been any real intimacy- until as of late.

i often think about my future- hee hee, not really. most days i think about how i can finagle some sort of break from my kids; or figure out a way to get lily to eat- anything; or long for some sort of holiday. having young kids really puts you "in the now," which is why i am very concerned about my future (and you should be too!). It is so incredibly easy to see how we can get lost in our kids- becoming a hover mother doesn't seem so absurd these days. we come to realize how much these little guys need us, and we love being able to be that for them- so, consequently, our own hobbies, interests, relationships and overall self begins to disintegrate. and before we know it they are grown up, gone. and we find ourselves standing in the kitchen thinking, "what just happened, and who the hell am i anyways???"

we are all familiar with the age old mid-life crisis, and it is seeming more obvious than ever that kids leaving home is def a main factor. so why not be pro-active now right???



i'm not so sure that i found the answer to my quandary, but for whatever reason, i am aware of the above dilemma. i guess it seems like pursuing something for me just might alleviate some future frustrations. as i considered how i could get to know myself again, i realized that time away from my kids was my best bet. i looked around and saw that a few of my friends were going back to work- which didn't sound like fun at all. cause really, i already have a job- i am a realtor- and very available for any of you (wink, wink). but anyways my job is sporadic at best, and though i do enjoy it, it def doesn't inspire me. so, the other day when my mom was over, she was going on and on about how great my kids are, and how swell life is, and how she is living her dream- which is awesome b/c i would seriously have gone insane without her- but anyway she seemed to think i was living my dream as well. which, is def true, i guess... well not really. as an angst filled teenager, the thought of a white picket fence, or as we do in los osos- trash and non-operative vehicles in our front yard- wasn't exactly what i had in mind. the "amerian dream" was not something for this innovative soul. i wasn't sure what it looked like, but 2.7 kids and the walk-in closet was not for me. then i became a christian, and my priorities changed and i naturally fell into this role. which, by the way, i adore. i am so thankful for two healthy, happy kids and the ability to stay home with them- yet, i keep finding myself asking... there is more isn't there?

so, with a little encouragement from my friends, i have begun this process... i'll fill y'all in on some details later, but in the meantime- just keep reminding me about it- you guys are kind of my accountability, cause i have been known- probably just once or twice- to start something and not finish... so with that said, be a friend, would ya?

almost famous

alright... here it is, for those of you haven't seen my 5 seconds of fame... here is the link. click on the video to get all the action.
http://www.ksby.com/Global/story.asp?S=7102182
cheesy as it may be, its well worth your while.
i'm so big time that last night at Giuseppe's the waiter said, "weren't you on the news last week?" i offered him an autograph, but he passed. weird.
anyway, i am featured on the avilas blog, so in case you missed it there, here's your chance.

something right

i'm not trying to brag, but its possible we are doing something right. this afternoon as the kids and i were on a run back from farmers lily said the most incredible thing. instead of heading home we decided to stop by some neighborhood friends house. so as we ran past our street lily said,"momma, we have to go that way." and i replied, "no, lily, we are going this other way to stop by carter and susans house. she didn't say anything and so we kept running and i missed the turn for their house. "whoops, we went the wrong way" i said as i turned the stroller around. and as we were walking up the hill to their house i tuned into what lily was saying cause she was trying to spit something out. "sometimes," she paused, "if you pray and ask Jesus, he will show you the right way." astounded, i stopped the stroller, leaned over with tears in my eyes, and said "lily, that makes me so happy to hear you say that, you are so right. who taught you that about Jesus?" she paused, perplexed, and said, "you!"

that's all it took- she floored me. really. it couldn't have come at a more perfect time as we just had some house guests leave. (quick shout out to the pollards- they are awesome house guests- super clean, tidy, took us out to taco temple- took amazing family photos of us- just a blessing through and through- not to mention their kids are not only super cute, and well-dressed- but very sweet, tender boys)- which leads me to my next point... and why lily's comment couldn't have come at a more perfect time.

i am aware that lily is very much a girl- it isn't just b/c of her natural inclination for dresses, skirts, high heels and the color fuchsia. its deeper than that. she is moody, contrary and indecisive- (or as my mom says, passionate, discerning and selective) all things i know about her, but seemed to glare at me having another kid around all weekend. which all leads me to often wonder, am i doing this right?

and though i know the answer is probably no, not totally- as no one is, moments like we shared today, make it all worth it. i'll take the passion even if it often comes with fury.

lately

i know i have been bogging, but i got something in the works...

here are some recent pictures of the kids until then...

all growed up

she is two years old. it's not like she doesn't have any sort of life outside me... but the other day I was struck by something she said. we were on the rodgers houseboat just hanging out. b's mom, shelley, started to get some snacks out... hummus, carrots, crackers, pretzels etc... I asked lily if she wanted some carrots or crackers (two staples in her diet) and she said, ' no, I want those'- pointing to the pretzels. i thought, that's funny, since she is not the most daring eater, why would she want those skinny looking pretzel sticks- they don't even look interesting. so i pointed to the bag and said, 'these, are you sure?' she quickly said, 'yes- i want those ones.' so i hand her the bag and she pulls one out. just before she takes a bite, she pauses and looks up at me and in a real matter of fact way she says , 'i have these at preschool.'
It was a simple as that, and i was just struck. to think she experienced something outside of our little world was so baffling to me. not only did she experience it, she liked it- and i wasn't even there to share it. i know it seems silly, and really pretty inconsequential. but for the first time in my life with lily, i kind of felt like an outsider. somehow i know it won't be the last time. just a reminder, i suppose, to cherish the mundane- even if it means a new type of cracker- it's still just ours.