Friday, May 30, 2008

age old dilemma..

well, come to think of it... two decade old dilemma might be a more fitting title. it wasn't long ago there wasn't a choice- once you got married, you were destined to be a housewife. the cool thing now is that we actually have a choice. but i guess i'm realizing its a blessing and a curse. before, you just naturally assumed the maternal role, now there is the possibility of "having it all." and of course when i think of having it all, i reference my idol... tina fey. she's got the kid, the job... i know, maybe a little un-realistic, but really, she's sort of living the dream. i look around, and lots of my friends have gone back to work part time. that seems to be a very good balance for them. i think of emily, or susan, or even my sister in law and how they are able to work and have their husbands stay with their kids. i must say that sounds pretty good. however, as much as i think i would like to go back to work, i also realize that having to have to be somewhere sounds very stressful. i love that if my kids are sick i can be with them, or any given weekend i'm available.
in any event, i was recently reminded the depths of motherhood i've fallen into. i was reading sarah forzetting's blog and listening to her challenges of life with an infant when i realized that i've almost forgotten those feelings. i suppose i've become so accustomed to "just" being a mom that i forgot how much i used to enjoy other stuff.
now, i'm not a girl of many hobbies... but i do like a good work out- either a run or a hike or a swim- even maybe a spin class or yoga or power class. i love a good book, a great bible study, anything that involves hanging out with my friends, shopping, eating, wine, heck i even miss work (i think)... i still have all these things yet it looks more like-
8 am- brandon gone, get on the phone with em (there's my social outlet)
9 am- gotta get out of the house- go on a walk (there's my exercise)
10 am- call jess to see if i can come over- she's got the bomb kids house (another social outlet)
11 am- make brandon watch the kids during his lunch so i can run errands (i guess that's my job part of the day)
1 pm- try to find a way to get my kids to eat lunch
2 pm- kids nap- i read my two year old ny times bestseller from the library (there's my reading)
3 pm- now that ellen's all re-runs, i'll probably blog (there's my intellectual outlet)
4 pm - kids awake, put a movie on for them.. talk to lealah, brooke, erin, drea or whoever answers.
5 pm- 25 minutes till b gets home- start dinner, and get my glass of wine (there's my wine and food time)

that's just a brief synopsis- there's also some time-outs, laundry, cleaning, and of course my mom often in the mix. but as you can see i still get to do all things i love, yet in very small doses. i guess in a lot of ways motherhood is just a whole bunch of compromises. it's a sucky feeling to realize how far back your needs are on the ol totem pole when you got two biscuits gaping at you all the live long, but in the same breath i suppose i wouldn't have it any other way- the joy they bring me is unparalleled to anything this side of heaven. so i don't know, i guess i'm either numb to it, or just okay with my new role. i will say, one benefit is how much you learn to take pleasure in the smallest of things- 2 hours alone, or a date with your husband, maybe even just some candy you have stashed around your house.
so ladies, can we have it all, and if so what does it look like to you?


mom&popfoote said...

Edith Schaeffer wrote in Common Sense Christian Living that the Prov 31 women didn't do these things all at once, it was a lifetime of living and working and doing. I like that because although we can have it all, we can't have it all at once. And since every good and perfect gift is from above the trick is to not miss those glimpses of eternity in the mundane

Holls said...

thanks for the comments foote's and shannon.
foote's - leave it to you roxanne to dazzle with your first comment on my blog. thanks for that insight- i've never noticed that about proverbs 31- i can't ever seem to get past the part about her waking up wicked early! in all honesty i think that it is so important to interpret it over a lifetime, not just child bearing years.
shan- thanks so much for reading, i really appreciate your rant! even though i've very aware i've never been real career oriented- i still really, really admire women who are. i guess if i was more driven i could see myself really struggling witht he career thing. you've come along way in your education and career- the cool thing is, you can work for awhile, then they'll be so in love with you, once you have kids you could still likely work! that's what tina (fey) did at least. i say stick with it, kids will always be there! thanks again.

Holls said...

oh and shan- i don't know what kids and moms you're seeing at target, but trust me if you ever saw me there with my kids- fun would not be the word you'd use to describe us...

shannon Duffy Wilch said...

I love that your litmus test is Tina Fey. Cracks me up.
Love it!

Kelly Meirik said...

What does it mean to have it all? Does that mean fulfillment, purpose, peace? Nothing seems to come the way we anticipated & I imagine attaining a life that you feel you "have it all" won't either. I also imagine that if I were to have an amazing career going I'd probably be wondering what it was like to be a stay at home mom or a full time missionary or whatever. (this world is no longer designed to satisfy) I think it's a newer concept to live out our callings- "I'm here b/c I feel called here, etc" That line of thinking, however, I think that's it. Some are suppose to do both, or one or the other. And my heart sings to what Roxanne said- it's just truth & so my spirit inside resonates. Ozwald Chambers talks about our God being God of the mundane too- or is it Piper? I've certainly been challenged by parenthood but in all honesty I've been grateful for the less me time- I've been more intentional with my time, thoughts & actions & it's yielded more fulfillment & fruit. I hope that doesn't sound rehearsed or trite because it's been HUGE for me- pivotal in my life. ON a lighter note, I love that the backseat of our car is super messy & there are legos scattered everywhere & yogurt stains on the walls- It's sooo NOT me- it's uncomfortable at times but I just love it. I use to take so much for granted but I just savor so much now. I'll stop now as I feel like I'm being "pollyanna". I hear that this battle is raging on our scene (work & family) & can totally relate to wanting to feel like I've contributed to society etc but well I guess I just have a different outlook, perspective, convictions. And please of course I get excited to grocery shop ALONE, to get a coffee date with a girlfriend, go to the gym, etc. And of course David & I fight for our time to ourselves & together. Also, talk to me after #2 arrives, huh?!!!

Shelley Blackwell said...

Hey Holls,
Isn't it funny how the grass can always be greener. Love your post...and Love what Roxanne had to say, i want just a shred of her wisdon. Anyhow...I think that I agree with Kelly in that we will never "have it all" here on earth. I don't think that's what you meant but in terms of the work/stay home dilemna it's got to be a personal choice that you feel is right for your family and I think that for most people no matter what you choose you feel like your missing out at least a little. I must say though that after having to work four days a week for the last few months... for me it is way too much, I miss my kids way too much and Owen has started to have issues with me being away too much.

Kelly Meirik said...

I frequently wake for like 2 hours now in the middle of the night so I was thinking more about this & couldn't help myself...I thought of Solomon- I know it's not a perfect example given he's not female, however, he certainly had it all. And in the end..."The words of the wise are like goads, and like nails firmly fixed are the collected sayings; they are given by one Shepherd. My son, beware of anything beyond these. Of making many books there is no end, and much study is a weariness of the flesh. The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed into judgment, with every secret thing, whether good or evil." Eccl.11:11-14 It's interesting that Fear God is the first thing he concludes with- when we don't fear God we fear everything else- fill in the blank.
If you want a good summer study- get Warren Wiersbe's commentary on Ecclesiastes...I think it's my favorite.
Love you.

kris pollard said...

well now i know who to call if i ever feel like picking up the phone. i find the phone super hard, although i do love to hear my far away friend's voices. i work at most a few days a month and that is perfect for me, a little time away from the kids and i can make a little fun cash. i don't have any desire to work more than that. only being on the job scene for less than 2 years before kids, i get uneasy when i think about a time when i will have to go back to work- what the heck am i going to do?? maybe we'll somehow be rich by then and i can just have a fun job. i just think about how short and precious the time i get to be with my kids full-time really is. about 3+ years of their life before they already start pre-school. so i'm soaking it up.

Holls said...

thanks for the insights kell, can always count on you for a good ol God perspective. the "have it all" was perhaps a bit misleading. like shelley said, it was more about finding the balance between work and staying home. i think some, more than others, really do as you say, "want to be contributing to society." however i do know that the work God has called us to as parents is very real and very much impacting society. i guess what i'm realizing is sort of opposite of what you said... the less of me thing is actually making me more carnal. cause i don't have any time i covet any privacy i get. i don't have time anymore to be social, or go to linneas or go work out, so the little bitty time i do get i just want to check out... veg, read.. you know. so i don't know, i guess its just your basic kid burnout... but i do realize the grass is always greener until you get to the other side.

oh and kris- call me anytime!

The VanDorn Family said...

Hey Holly I feel the same way sometimes. Getting prego in my last quarter of Cal Poly I never really got to have a "real job". Not that I would ever leave my baby to work but I get sick of people talking down to me because I stay at home. Like I am some how less smart because I don't work full time. Yuck.