day 1

i read this morning stenciled across the bathroom wall of my in laws house that 'life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.' i'm not one for signs necessarily, but i can't tell you how much i needed those words from dear old helen keller.

you see, it wasn't long ago that i considered myself a pretty carefree, adventurous girl.  i was by no means reckless, but i loved the idea of the unknown, and i was almost always up for an anything.  5 months after i met brandon we filed electronically (quite possibly the first year it was offered, and quickly got banned from e-file) and got a measly enough tax return to head to england for spring break.  we had no agenda and a place to stay only for a couple days, the rest we would figure out along the way.  we partied our way to the airport where we lost our passports temporarily, but somehow managed to make it across the pond with everything intact.  3 years later we booked flights to new zealand for our honeymoon and had not one accommodation booked.  all we had was a car waiting for us at the airport.  3 solid weeks of tripping around the north island was our idea of the best trip ever.  i was up for anything and everything, there was so much to do!

naturally things slowed down after we got married and had a few kids.  my desire to not miss a thing now extends itself to being terribly troubled if i don't make it to the beach on a sunny day.  the adventuress holly still exists, but its locked away within the confines of low risk and utmost safety for myself and my family.

so when it comes to leaving my 3 precious children and flying halfway around the world to a country that has sporadic electricity and such severe poverty that makes your heart hurt, i realized i was in over my head.

it would literally take pages and pages to even begin to contain the amount of anxiety i've had leading up to this trip.   since i'm not typically a girl who struggles with anxiety, i have found myself in uncharted territory.  its a place i'm not proud of, yet through it all i have come to realize a lot about myself and the faith i profess.

we are about to land in addis ababa. we have been flying for almost 24 hours.  tomorrow i will travel to an orphanage in a city of 2 million people and meet my son (one of hundreds of thousands of orphans in ethiopia) for the first time. i can tell you without a doubt that this the hardest thing i have ever done in my life.   i can also assure you that without the massive amount of prayers that have been offered on our behalf, i wouldn't be on this plane.  i have never needed jesus as much as i have in the last 72 hours.  somehow i know the next week will be more of the same.  i also had no idea how fair weathered and puny my faith was.  i have been pleading for prayers from best friends and strangers alike.  i literally cannot hear enough prayers on our behalf... never have i been so desperate and never have i felt so much peace a midst  raging storm inside my mind.

everybody says adoption is hard.  and i'm just barely in, but i can assure you its not for the faint of heart.  when my thoughts get unleashed and start crashing around my brain causing me to wonder who on earth would travel this far leaving the safety of a sweet little family in the happiest place on earth (btw-- these are surprisingly the first doubts i've had in this process, which leads me to believe that greater things were at work this last week) i have to remember that this calling was so much more than us wanting a 4th child.  and though i wrestle with these doubts and many others, i keep going back to this one parable... the pearl of great price-- which, ironically, was prophesied over me just a few months after i got saved.  at the time, and up until this point, i've never known why, or what it would mean. finally, i do.  Elliot is my pearl, and i will leave everything to find him-- because he, and every other orphan we'll see this next week deserves a mom and a dad who will love him forever.

as my dear friend lealah says, we are just the vessel.  please continue to pray for us, and for our children at home, for our dear parents that are watching them and all are friends who are standing in the gaps for us.  we would not be here without our tribe.

i really thought we would be different

well, it's with a heavy heart i write this post.  this morning i got a call from our agency explaining that MOWA (ministry of women's affairs) in ethiopia has 'temporarily' suspended adoptions with our agency.  even if i had the time and energy to explain what that means, i really couldn't because i don't totally understand it either.   ethiopia does... what ethiopia wants.  but i can tell you that it means something very major for our family and for our sweet boy.  we won't be traveling to ethiopia next week as planned... unless God does a crazy huge miracle-- which i'm trying desperately not to put past him.

to say i'm feeling a lot of things right now would be a vast understatement.  if i had a nickel for every person that told me about 'their friends adoption story' that always involved massive delays and disappointments  i would probably have at least $5.  for real though, all these stories i hear all the time are actually happening to us!  i'm sure i sound incredibly narcissistic, but honestly this process-- though long-- has actually been really easy.  i really thought we were going to be the exception!  we were going to be able to tell the world that adoption can be easy and AWESOME!

not to mention, we are in the middle of the most amazing outpouring of support from are friends and family to bring this baby boy home.  i feel sick just thinking about how much effort and time and money everyone has put in and all we can bring to the table now is that we just don't know when.  arggghhhh.

yet now we've been tossed with the masses for everyone to tell our sad story as we try and pick up the pieces of months of planning and anticipation.

although its hard, its by far not the hardest part.  to know our son has to go another night not knowing his mom and dad and brother and sisters is almost unbearable.

i've been thinking a lot about this process this last week as my mind labors through every scenario and thought about traveling to ethiopia.  from how will my 3 kids here fare, to holding him for the first time.  people call adoption being paper pregnant.  and while i'll concede that there are similarities, it is obviously vastly different.  however, this morning's call was like one i received while pregnant with ozzy.  after our ultrasound with him, we were ecstatic to know we would be welcoming a baby boy.  3 days later we got a call saying there was something abnormal in the ultrasound.  we were devastated and scared out of our minds.  the next few months were so, so, sooooo difficult for us.  those feelings have descended again.  when will this end?  when will it begin?  so many unanswered questions.

yet a midst all of this pain, sadness and frustration, i'm reminded that i serve a God that is never caught off guard.  if i profess total and complete faith in him, then i have to know that his timing to bring elliot home will be perfect.

in the meantime, please--if you see me just give me a hug... and say those famous words, 'its going to be okay,' and don't be surprised if i'm less than enthused to talk about.

thank you all for your continued love and support.

PLEASE pray for a miracle that the authorities in ethiopia would change their mind early next week and we would be able to go as planned, and always for God's perfect will for our lives and the grace to walk it out.

thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

Elliot

3 months since my last post.  so, so, so sad.  another 3 months before this last one. downright despicable.

i don't know why i think that i can go so long without purging my soul to the cyber world. i  forget how much i feel like i'm going to split right open any minute from not having this fleeting little release.  

yet time passes on... and much like wanting so badly to connect with an old best friend, you can't ever bring yourself to do it cuz you know the conversation will be so long.  wonderful, but long.  so you keep 'missing' their call and tell yourself next week, next week for sure.

i reckon its finally next week and here i am.  and what do you know, i don't even know where to begin.

oh wait, yes i do.  i leave for ethiopia in 13 days.  in 2 weeks, i will walk into an orphanage all the way across the world and meet my second born son.  i will meet the boy that God knew one day would be mine. i will spend 5 sweet days with him and then i will have to leave him... only to return 3 months (lord willing) later to bring him home forever.  even if i tried to summarize all that i'm feeling and anticipating and worrying about i know it would fall short.  when you've lived for 33 years you would think you've pretty much experienced every type of feeling and emotion.  but like holding your firstborn for the first time, or speaking forth your vows to the man of your dreams, i somehow know i'm about to have some 'firsts.'

it is my hope and desire to take a good chunk of time updating you all on our journey.  selfishly, i want to have it all on record so i won't forget one single moment.  on the other hand, its the very least i could do... the outpouring of support we've received up until this point is one of the most humbling things i've ever known.  such a big part of our heart in adoption was the amazing community we have that will help raise this boy.  our 'village' is strong when we are weak. and i know there will be many moments of sheer bewilderment  confusion, grief and pain.  to know we have the people we have around us is the only thing that doesn't make me lie awake at night.  this will be the hardest thing i've done in my life... and i'm here to tell you, i absolutely CANNOT wait.  

i've never been so ready to bring my baby home.  

let me come home

at least once a week i run the same 5 or 6 miles out in the park.  sometimes its rainy, sometimes its sunny, and well most of the time its foggy.  but i kid you not, every single time i'm out there, i literally have to stop and marvel at how incredibly beautiful it is.... and how wildly thankful i am to call this place home.

i know, i know.  here she goes again.., rambling on and on about how amazing los osos is.  doesn't she know they don't even have a sewer?  or that its foggy for at least 3 months out of the year?

i am painfully aware of all of my baby's faults.  but like the loving mother i am, i love this place unconditionally.

recently b and i took a trip down to san diego.  i've always liked it down there, with the warm water, great shopping, good food, and of course sea world.  it really has so much to offer.  b's parents have this timeshare that allows them to go to all these different resorts.  last year was san jose del cabo, mexico. this year was san diego.  they were both wonderful and we are so thankful they have made taking us on vacation with them once a year a priority.  its really a great tradition.... not just because we could never afford these trips on our own, but because its so nice to be with family.

since i've always been one who doesn't like to miss out on anything, being in san diego was harder for me than i thought it would be.  i'm the type of person who can't say no to any party, girls night, concert, beach day... anything really.  if its sunny out, i feel anxious if i'm not at the beach.  if everyone's going camping and my kids get sick, something in me dies inside.  not really, but you get the point.

needless to say this type of restlessness can really affect my family.  like one of the millions of other ways my kids are nothing like me, they don't possess this dis-contentedness that can plague me.  so when trying to vacation in a place where there is the excitement of the zoo and sea world and legoland, but also the romance of the beach and lounge chairs by the pool, i'm just torn in two.  this translates into massive agenda days... the one where every minute is accounted for, just so we don't miss a thing.

it had been awhile since i had been that agenda driven.  i think i felt like my kids were finally old enough to be victims of my insanity.  which leads me to ask... have you met my 2 year old?  she has the attention span of a goldfish.  she could give a rip about baby gorillas and giant roaring lions.  show her dolphins frolicking through the air and she'll laugh in their face and then start foraging through my purse in an attempt to seek and destroy all of my lipstick.  next up are my other two. though they really enjoy places like the zoo and sea world, the fact that they can't walk more than 30 ft without severe leg pain and whining really inhibits us all.  throw in what felt like the whole state of california in each of these parks and you've got your basic 3 kid meltdown with a mom who won't slow down and a dad who is desperately trying to keep the peace.

growing up in slo i probably went to los osos 4 times.  i was a typical teenager and spent my free time roaming downtown, eating free kona's sandwiches, and sneaking into the movies.  i'm not complaining, i thought that was really living.  so when the time finally came for b and i to buy a home and he purposed leaving our charming 1 bdrm house on garden st to a 1500+ in los osos, i practically had a panic attack.  what would i possibly do in los osos?  even if i had money to spend, there is literally no where to spend it.  and even if i had a bra to wear, there's really no where to wear it.
 
yet i wasn't about to pass up being a home owner and so we made the big move.  those first few months i realized it was the best thing we could have done.  that first week i remember walking the 2 blocks down to the bay and looking at all the boats and knowing one day one of them would be ours.  i remember for valentines day b and i discovered a little known culniary delight known as noi's and spent many a dates with a bottle of wine and massaman curry parked at the top of the hill in watching the sunset.  i remember our first year with lily, and b waking up every morning to walk down to the bay with her and the dog.  i remember discovering the jungle at the end of our street and spending hours exploring with it's tapestry of vines and mystery that blows doors on any video game.  i remember blackberry picking in the winter, long summer nights at sandspit watching my husband surf, and the romance of traipsing around hazards.  i remember discovering the endless, endless trails of MDO state park and being amazed when i heard there was yet another one i hadn't conquered.  i remember taking feverish kids down to spooners to skip rocks in the creek cuz there was no where else to take them.  i remember taking dinner down to the back bay and having a glass of wine while the kids played on the rope swings.  i remember getting our little boat and motoring over to the dunes and watching my kids get naked and splash to their hearts content.

so on our fourth day in san diego when b suggested we go explore the tidepools in la jolla instead of braving sea world again, i knew i had been broken.  this was confirmed when i saw the sheer joy and excitement of my 2 year old finally able to break free and run along the beach.  looking over at my son literally laying in the sand drawing with his fingers and my six year old sitting on the rocks sketching some sea snails she collected, i realized i was home.

though we grumble about the politics out here, and whine whine whine about the fog... i've always known in my heart that raising kids out here was just plain good for their soul.  to see my kids that day in san diego happier than they'd been all week was just that confirmation.  we finally are reaping the benefits of raising kids who love the outdoors.  kids who love the peacefulness and solidarity of nature.  i know it can't last forever and we'll likely loose them for at least a few years.   i know one day they will choose video games and downtown slo with their friends rather than a walk with their mom and dad on the beach.  but their first love will always be with them.  and for that, los osos, i am eternally indebted.

learning curve

i've always been a sucker for new years resolutions.  i know lots of people think they are futile, but for me the idea of corporate change and accountability somehow motivates me.  this year was no different.

i typically try to focus on one or two things.  sometimes they are small, like not eating sweets during the day and gorging all night long.  other times i get more serious, more deep. this year my main resolution has been to be a better parent.

it wasn't long ago that b and i were mostly the same.  granted he's always been insanely smarter than myself-- evidenced by the fact that i still don't care know what a mechanical engineer is.  but when we first met, we were fumbling our way through college... we had similar enough goals and ideas about life and really had had a lot of the same life experiences.  for instance, back then we both thought that planning a trip to the UK over spring break was not only a great idea, but that we should fund the said trip by filing our taxes online (which then led to being banned from online filing for the next two years due to some discrepancy about paperwork.  tomatos, tomatoes. all i knew was that we each miraculously had $300 and some change in our account after hitting 'file.'  and really who would have thought this whole concept of 'e-filing' would really take off?)  needless to say, this idea to whimsically file online and not follow up was my idea, but the point is was that b conceded to it.  something i know he would never do now.

fast forward 12 years and b has not only become a partner at his firm, but he also has acronyms at the end of his name and listens to podcasts from harvard business school!  fast forward 12 years for me, and i haven't worked one day in my degree and my idea of intellectual stimulation is the amazing writers of 30 rock.  the point i'm trying to drive in is that brandon is really, really good at his job.  can you see where this is going?

its hard for me to even get in the space of 'my job' as being a stay at home mom.  i don't typically like the conversations i hear about it, and if i'm honest i always preface my title with a just in front of it.  i've heard all the racket about how stay at home mom's have 'the most important jobs' and 'we are raising the next generation' and 'what a privilege and honor it is to stay at home.'  i will concede that all of these are very true.  especially the bit about it being a privilege to stay home.  i don't say it nearly enough, but seriously not a day goes by where i don't thank god for being able to do what i do with, and for my family.  i find it frustrating that society is so two-faced about it.  on one hand it seems as though my job is very prestigious and esteemed, yet  every day i feel like i'm barely making a difference... barely affecting my kids the way i should be... barely able to do the mundane tasks i'm called to.  i'm frustrated that i always put that 'just' in front of my title.

so instead of settling for mediocrity in it all... i decided this year my new years resolution was to be really, really good at my job.  god has called me to be a mother and a wife.  first.  first before my email, first before the spin class i'm dying to take, first before talking on the phone with my friends, and first before my bad ass (second) career as the greatest realtor around.

thankfully my first step was to do something i do pretty ding dang good... read.  i started digging in to some of the great parenting books.  however, i started to realize that while they all seem great while i was reading them, before the dust even settled on the pages i'd already forgotten all the magic they held.  i don't know why it took me so long to realize that i really needed jesus to be a better parent.  how quickly i forget.  before i became a christian i tried and failed miserably to change.  i tried to quit partying so much, fail.  i tried to not be so insecure, fail.  i tried to not be gossipy and jealous, fail.  it wasn't like my coming to faith made me perfect by any means, but by the power of the holy spirit i really began to see change in my behaviors and thinking.  i can't tell you how freeing it was.

perhaps my biggest motivator and also biggest failure was realizing that my ideas about success in my job were contingent on the behavior of my children.  i was starting to see things that i really didn't like in the way they were turning out. parenting was getting harder instead of easier.  i felt like i was doing my best but wasn't getting the results i wanted.  unlike my husband, his success led to pay raises, a better car, daily pats on the back.  my success's were measured in potty training, sleeping through the night and good manners but my failures were like a slap in the face with every temper tantrum, bad attitude, and bratty behavior.  in my quest for knowledge b and i took a parenting class through our church.  there was soooo much good stuff in it, but the one thing that really struck me more than any of it was one simple, obvious statement.


you are raising imperfect children to become imperfect adults.

duh, right?  i couldn't believe i had never realized this.  i can't tell you how embarrassing and humbling it was to realize that i might have been trying to raise perfect people.  i mean, i know they aren't perfect but i think i honestly thought they might be if i just tried a little harder or did something a little different.  i wasn't able to understand that kids do kid things.  they blow it all the time.. just like me.   that little bitty undeniable sentence set me free in a way that no book has come close to.  for the first time in a long time i felt a freedom that allowed me to do my very best but not let the outcome affect my efforts.


so you need jesus to be a better parent? i need jesus for everything.  but yes, i am realizing i  have to be more prayerful.  i have to be around people that are seeking the same outcome i am.  i have to seek out moms that take their calling as a mom and a wife as their highest priority.  i need to talk it out and be held accountable.  and really, more than anything, i need the time each day to heal my own heart and search out my own shortcomings by humbly coming before the god i love and asking for forgiveness and assistance.  for the first time in my life i really feel like i'm understanding dependence on him in a way i haven't yet known.  and instead of feeling frantic, i feel free.  free to finally be the mom and wife that will be glorifying to my god and have that be enough.  cuz nothing is more worth that sacrifice than these faces:

v is for many things.

so this valentines day i really wanted to do it up right.  being married 10 years this october kinda makes us pretty big time.  either that or i realized we have found ourselves in a new place.  not newlyweds where every day is v-day (wink wink), and not new baby days where all both of you care about is the baby getting some sleep, and lastly, 10 years of marriage, means 10 years of not being divorced.  10 years means we've definitely had our ups and downs and we don't have the excuse of being burdened by small kids anymore, yet at the same time we don't have the fire that comes with being newly married.  it could almost feel like an okay opportunity for some apathetic contentment (cuz thats a real condition i just made up-- mostly cuz its quite possible it's what i've been living for for quite some time now).  if i'm completely honest, the lack of intensity in our marriage comes from being comfortable in a lot of ways. b has a great job, i get to stay home, all of our financial needs are met and even some of our wants.  all of us are healthy, and though the kids make us crazy, they are healthy and thriving.  we really have so much to be thankful for and therein lies the rub.  thankful can often times mean complacent.
so when the night before valentines day came around and i was chatting with lealah and coco about our plans, i found myself super excited for what coco had planned.  it was just a simple dinner for the most part, except hearing her describe her dress, her smokin hot wig, her sweet card and her 'stage' name (moana shiftwell), i realized i needed to up my game.
so what better way to up your game then going to a place you haven't been in years....  the small space you've reserved in the last drawer  in the way back corner of your dresser... you know where i'm talking about ladies... your lingerie spot.  as i fumbled my way there i was reminded of what a road less traveled it was.  of course we were totally running late and i had like 3 minutes which is 2 minutes more that usual to get ready, so i had this crazy idea (and no i hadn't even been drinking yet) to wear some lingerie under my dinner clothes.  for some reason i had this vision of it peeking out and 'whet'-ing the appetite...  well, peeking out it did.  i tried to find my raciest number circa 2002 (yes, something i got for my bridal shower)  and after wasting 2.5 of my 3 minutes trying to fasten all 50 hooks, i realized it was eventually supposed to attach to something... like some sexy underwear or something (which it probably came with 10 years ago, but is long since gone).  there is probably a name for this type of lingerie, but clearly i'm out of the game.  so i kind of gather the hanging straps and tuck them in my jeans... thus creating a bulging on many levels.  the first level was apparant when i finally exhaled.  see, appparantly my rib cage (not whats on the outside of my ribs unfortunately) has grown several inches since i was 23.  so where the lingeire stopped,  my stomach bulged out.  i seriously looked 4 months pregnant.  that combined with the sheerly ridiculous amount of lace made me look like i had a bunch of gum wrappers wadded up in my tank top on top of my second trimester belly.  needless to say, i kept my jacket on the entire evening.
dinner itself was pleasent enough.  we enjoyed halibut, soup, salad and bottle of wild horse merlot.  we talked about  how much we loved each other and how we couldn't wait to rip each others clothes off.  haha, you didn't really believe that did you?  have you already forgotten we have been married 10 years...
we talked about the kids for longer than we should have... we talked about how some of our friends were doing. i bored him with the details of the latest 'best book ever' i was reading, and he tried his best to engage me on what was happening at work.  it was a lot like a typical evening except we didn't have 3 little hyena's competing for out attention.
as the night went on, i kept trying to think of ways to convey my sexy underparts.  i kinda felt like a mormon with my holy garments, except mine were way sexier and i can have sex whenever i want.  yet when we finally paid our bill and made our way out to the car, i was to tired and full to show anything off.  needless to say by the time we walked in the door we weren't exactly ripping each others clothes off.  so... now was my moment, right? as we went upstairs, b went into the bathroom and i began to unveil my sexiness... and let me tell you, what a night it was!  it ended with the best most amazing fireworks a girl could ask for:  we fell asleep cuddling, but not before my husband told me how incredibly happy and thankful he was to have me has his wife.
i know what you're thinking, so hot right?!  because in the mind of a woman, cuddling and words of affirmation trumps any wild night anyday.. 10 years or not!
all this to say, it will be hard to top next year... but instead of waiting one year to go back to the recesses of my dresser, i'm going to try really hard to nip this apathetic contentment in the booty, and actually put lingerie on at least once before next v-day.  baby steps ladies.  lets do it for our dudes, lord knows they deserve more.

i just called to say i love you....

i'm really not even sure where to begin.

when i went to type in holdmama,  my computer could barely remember the website-- either that or att was being ridiculously slow as always-- but whatever the case, its been that long.

so you are probably wondering, and hoping for something uh-mazing right now. well keep on hopin, obama style.  i got all kinds of riff raff floating around this head of mine, yet its been so long i don't even know where to begin.

i think i'll start with some excuses as to why my last post was on nov 16.  for starters it was the holidays.  and besides being super pumped for jesus birthday, i like to take a good solid month to attend as many holiday parties as possible and eat and drink as much crap as i like.  its kinda how i celebrate.  but in all honesty, i really really love that time of year and this year i apparently couldn't be bothered to actually take the time to write something.
what else... oh well the whole 3 kids thing.  yeah, that's actually proving to be much more difficult than ever.  the realization that i don't have 3 babies anymore is really starting to hit me.  there are like 3 little obnoxious bodies constantly chirping away in my ear and fighting to climb all over me, and mostly just busy making doing anything but wiping butts, noses, and being a short order cook impossible.  did i mention they are as adorable as heaven itself and i wouldn't trade them for a million billion pesos?!  regardless, they are becoming increasing real with their endless wants and needs.  i've even been thinking real adult responsible thoughts like, 'how are we going to send 3, 4 kids to college?'  'how much did you say braces would be?' and 'lord have mercy on me i will one day have 2 teenage daughters.'  real stressful stuff people.

which leads me to my next update.  this is a favorite of mine and all of yours too as i have been questioned a lot about it lately.  so with that said, 'what exactly is going on with your adoption?'
well, not much.  however, not much in a good way.  we will have been waiting 1 year come march 23rd.  last time i spoke with our agency (at 6 months waiting) they informed me that things are still moving along - as in the country is still open-- but there have been so many new laws and changes being enforced-- all good stuff for the kids themselves, but means it takes longer for us.  however its totally worth it, because it ensures the safety of the kids, which is of utmost importance in my book.  at this point we are praying and hoping for a referral  (ie a picture/file on a child matching our criteria which is *healthy* boy under the age of 2) come summer.  at that point we will decide- who am i kidding-- there is nothing to decide, we will leap for joy and begin to prepare to be a family of 6.  it will then be anywhere from 4-8 months before we actually bring him home (we have to travel to ethiopia twice).  i plan to call our agency sometime in march to double check this timeline, cuz if there is one thing i've learned in this process, its that every situation is different.  there is no 'typical' experience.  in the meantime, the kids will continue to talk about and pray for him and count the minutes til he graces our lives.  thankfully for me and b the 3 we have now leave us little time to ache for him.  its more of a budding excitement at this point.  i reckon once we have his picture, we will be absolutely ruined until he's actually in our arms.

so you love christmas, you are busy with your 3 kids, you don't have a fourth yet, and.... it sounds like you are a bit lazy?  nailed it.  i have been a reading machine lately.  every spare minute i have which totals like 13 in one day, my head is buried in my kindle.  i have read some amazing books these last few months.  literature will never cease to amaze and completely humble me.  why are there so many amazing writers out there?  it truly never gets old. to help you get on track, here is a few must reads:

peace like a river  by leif enger
the history of love by nicole krauss
rules of civility by amor towles
lit by mary karr
extremely loud and incredibly close by jonathan safran foer
the tiger's wife by tea obreht
state of wonder by ann patchett

just to name a few.  there have been many more, but those are my top picks as of late.

when i'm not reading, or scheming ways to get away from my kids, i have been so incredibly fortunate to be spending lots of time with my dear friends.  one of which i recently wrote a blog about.  many of you know her personally, but many others i know don't know her and have been praying for her.  so i wanted to take a minute to update you on her so you can keep on praying!!!  coco is doing amazing for all intensive purposes.  she humbles me daily with her faith and love for jesus.  she literally cannot get enough of him.  i have learned more from her 14 month walk with god then i have in years.  she spurs me on in the way that iron sharpens iron.  she makes me want to pray harder, hope fuller and love deeper.  she shines so bright considering her circumstances... which are still not what we want.  praise be to god that since the gamma knife radiation she got in seattle last summer, she has not had any new activity in her brain.  this is maj huge as she would say.  its a huge answer to sooooo many prayers and we give god all the glory for healing her.  however that stupid cancer has crept into her lungs and is being extremely stubborn.  she is currently undergoing chemotherapy once every 3 weeks with more grace than you could imagine.  she has lost almost all of her hair and suffers intermittently from many other side effects of the chemo.   but as i mentioned you would never know it when you see her big blue eyes smiling at almost everything around her, or the way she just radiates her love for her perfect baby girl.  when i find myself mad at god and wondering about the injustice of it all, i'm brought back down when i see the way that god shines through her.  she's a fighter and she's got the god of the universe in her corner, and really what more can you ask for.  she is teaching us all what it means to love and cherish your life in a way i've never known and for that i'm eternally indebted.

well, that's about all i've got for now.  i promise i'm going to try and be better at this.  i really want to tell you all about my valentines day cuz it was another relevatory evening of just how old i am.

oh and one more thing, if you could leave a comment on the blog itself instead of facebook it would mean so much to me... not every time - i know that's a lot to ask, but even just this once -- i need my ego stroked if i'm gonna keep this up.