but its been one of THOSE
weeks days... you know the ones.
my life is pretty good. sometimes it feels like its too good. chris calls it common grace, and honestly i like that approach rather than thinking its so good that something bad is bound to happen.
last mothers day we had brunch at robins in cambria. there were lots of little kids around having breakfast with their families. we were no exception, but for once our kids were surprisingly decent. in fact as i watched a little 14 month old toddle around picking up food off the ground being chased by his dad, i actually had just a twinge of nostalgia (forgetting of course that that will be us again in 6 short months). but still, i rarely wish my kids would stay little, so it was somewhat noteworthy for me.
then the next day it all came crashing down. i felt crazy dealing with the kids all day. i ignored, i threatened, i cried, yet nothing seemed to work. they fight, they hit, and we all feel just plain ugly.
i realized a few weeks back that when i have days like that its usually because i am at home more than usual, and i'm trying to accomplish other things. imagine that-- a stay at home mom actually trying to do something else!
and that's when it hit me- the hardest thing about being a stay at home mom is trying to do anything else.
i guess i'm realizing that the kids are still so young... they are not only emotionally demanding (never goes away i'm told) but also physically. that, in combination of being up so much nursing the baby, and being 'on' for the older ones all day, by the time 2 rolls around, i need a serious break. however, since they don't nap anymore, most days i feel like i want to break windows.
i don't want to sound ungrateful. i love being able to stay at home. its an honor and a privilege, and i wouldn't have it any other way. but so much time with the kids can began to consume me so much, that i worry its beginning to define me.
and honestly, that scares the crap out of me. i can't, i won't become one of those moms so wrapped up in their kids lives that one day i wake up and they are gone, and i can't remember who i am.
what kind of music i like (actually i don't even know that now), what my hobbies are? my passions? who and where my husband and friends are? i liken it to breaking up with the high school boyfriend and wondering who you are... you hear yourself ask yourself questions like i really do like blink 182 right?
3 kids is hard.
its hard not being able to meet all their needs. its hard wrestling with the guilt of loosing it on them. its hard when you don't feel like they hear anything you say. i want to be a great mom, but there is so much more i want to do.
i want to make running grrrl's great. i want the time to answer emails, and organize runs and reach out to the community. i want to have a joyful heart in hosting the bible study at my house for my dear girls on monday nights. i want to notice when my husband gets a haircut, or remember my good friends birthdays.
i want to write.
i really want to write. i want this blog to be great, and a place where people can laugh and cry and maybe have a bowel movement... whatever. i just want more and i want to do it without it being at the expense of my kids.
balance has never been as hard as it is right now. time feels so elusive and so very sacred. i know i'm not alone in this, and for that i am so thankful. we all have our own unique struggles and today, now you know mine. thanks for listening.