Tuesday, May 18, 2010

tightropes are slippery

if this is your first time reading this blog, you should definitely click on the column on the right... i promise i'm not always this crazy...

but its been one of THOSE weeks days... you know the ones.

my life is pretty good. sometimes it feels like its too good. chris calls it common grace, and honestly i like that approach rather than thinking its so good that something bad is bound to happen.

last mothers day we had brunch at robins in cambria. there were lots of little kids around having breakfast with their families. we were no exception, but for once our kids were surprisingly decent. in fact as i watched a little 14 month old toddle around picking up food off the ground being chased by his dad, i actually had just a twinge of nostalgia (forgetting of course that that will be us again in 6 short months). but still, i rarely wish my kids would stay little, so it was somewhat noteworthy for me.

then the next day it all came crashing down. i felt crazy dealing with the kids all day. i ignored, i threatened, i cried, yet nothing seemed to work. they fight, they hit, and we all feel just plain ugly.

i realized a few weeks back that when i have days like that its usually because i am at home more than usual, and i'm trying to accomplish other things. imagine that-- a stay at home mom actually trying to do something else!
and that's when it hit me- the hardest thing about being a stay at home mom is trying to do anything else.

i guess i'm realizing that the kids are still so young... they are not only emotionally demanding (never goes away i'm told) but also physically. that, in combination of being up so much nursing the baby, and being 'on' for the older ones all day, by the time 2 rolls around, i need a serious break. however, since they don't nap anymore, most days i feel like i want to break windows.

i don't want to sound ungrateful. i love being able to stay at home. its an honor and a privilege, and i wouldn't have it any other way. but so much time with the kids can began to consume me so much, that i worry its beginning to define me.

and honestly, that scares the crap out of me. i can't, i won't become one of those moms so wrapped up in their kids lives that one day i wake up and they are gone, and i can't remember who i am.

what kind of music i like (actually i don't even know that now), what my hobbies are? my passions? who and where my husband and friends are? i liken it to breaking up with the high school boyfriend and wondering who you are... you hear yourself ask yourself questions like i really do like blink 182 right?

3 kids is hard.

its hard not being able to meet all their needs. its hard wrestling with the guilt of loosing it on them. its hard when you don't feel like they hear anything you say. i want to be a great mom, but there is so much more i want to do.

i want to make running grrrl's great. i want the time to answer emails, and organize runs and reach out to the community. i want to have a joyful heart in hosting the bible study at my house for my dear girls on monday nights. i want to notice when my husband gets a haircut, or remember my good friends birthdays.

i want to write.

i really want to write. i want this blog to be great, and a place where people can laugh and cry and maybe have a bowel movement... whatever. i just want more and i want to do it without it being at the expense of my kids.

balance has never been as hard as it is right now. time feels so elusive and so very sacred. i know i'm not alone in this, and for that i am so thankful. we all have our own unique struggles and today, now you know mine. thanks for listening.


Steve Finnell said...

you are invited to follow my blog

going kiwi said...

Holly, I pretty much feel the same and you vocalized it. I only have two and I feel like we are coming out of the abyss. It is a tightrope walk for sure. Thanks for sharing your heart.

Anonymous said...

you left unanswered big question...is there a net under the tightrope? ;) your energy is awesome, holly. your kids will remember a mom that was game to do anything...who was passionate about a few things AND them. go for it! chutch

Julie higgins said...

I REALLY feel you Holly! Parenting 3 kids has never been so challenging for me. Love them to death, but often feel like it's hard for me to breathe! Sometimes I wonder when I'll actually get to breathe again...
thanks for sharing your heart!

Team Calamond said...

sounds like life to me. Just kidding. I love you Hols and before you know it you will look around and see WOW look at these amazing kids I raised, and that will make it all worth it. In the mean time....allow yourself to move though the emotions and have empathy for yourself.

Mom would prop say to me Matt you are trying to fix.

mariah schwartz said...

wow...this was a really great one for me to read at the moment. I think that balance is something we all are trying to find. Styaing home is sometimes the hardest part. You are so right about trying to accomplish anything else at home besides being there for our kids. I think I will definitly have to reread this entry on multiple occasions...it will be my mantra!! :) Thanks for being so honest!!

nicole viola said...

wait, did I just write this post?
thanks for being on the same wavelength as me. :)

Trisha said...

In just a few months, I will get to dive into Parenthood..and I do look forward to all the adventures. That said, watching you with your grace, courage and determination as a parent is inspiring. I can only imagine how hard it can be at times, but Hols you are doing a wonderful job. And it is refreshing to hear you speak of parenthood and it challenges in such a way. Your kids and B are pretty dang lucky to have you:)

lynn said...

After 6 weeks of having 3 kids I am definitely feeling the tension of trying to meet the needs/wants of 3 kids, home, hubs and fight for just a little of breathing time for me. Based on comments of others on here, you are an inspiration and are doing a great job giving to their precious little lives. Wish we lived closer and our 3 could be buddies.

Anonymous said...

The solution is simple: no Bible study...God is so forgiving!