a quick word

thanks for your responses to my first 2 posts, most of you emailed me directly, but i would love it if you posted it on my blog... I changed the setting, so you don't have to sign in- you can be anonymous if you want... wooo. also, this last post- a baby girl- is just our experience, generally we are not the norm, so i hope no one is offended by it- raising kids is an intense thing regardless of gender... this is just where we personally are at. I would love to hear your experience with this whole gender thing... please post- lets get this party started- or next time I'll have to write something real controversial to get people to respond... hee hee.

a baby girl

This is one of those pictures that I want to see on Lily's wall or on her desk someday. I imagine she'll look at it with great fondness and marvel at the amazing relationship she has with her mom. For some reason, it reminds me of a scene in the family stone- which by the way is one of our favorite movies- it's the scene at the end when the insufferable new girlfriend gives all the kids a picture of their mom when she was pregnant with her youngest daughter. The picture is moving- the way the light catches Diane Keaton's smile really resonates the raw emotion and joy of being pregnant. Such was the way I felt when I held my daughter for the first time...

I guess I just always assumed my daughter would be my best friend- with my mom being my best friend, it seemed natural. I know there are no guarantees, so I always say I need to have at least one more girl in case one of them doesn't like me... As I've already expressed, having kids is a pretty powerful thing. And for me, having a daughter seems even crazier. When we found out we were expecting a little girl, I was shocked. Though I didn't tell many people, I was really surprised, I thought- and honestly kind of hoped we would have a boy. For reasons I couldn't quite place. I remember coming home from the ultrasound, and feeling sort of morose. As I considered it further, I realized that I felt such a tremendous responsibility or pressure to raise a daughter 'right'. Immediately I questioned my own representation of being a woman. How do I raise her to be feminine, yet strong- how do I help her to love her body and her physical attributes without it being everything. How do I demonstrate meekness, yet courage. So many things, and so much responsibility. I knew having this daughter would be like this ongoing accountability... one I wasn't sure I was ready for.
After we had had our son home for about a month, we were giving him a bath one night and Brandon and I got to talking. I had noticed that Brandon wasn't as taken with Oliver as he had been and currently was with Lily. For awhile I just dismissed it as it being because Oliver was still so little, and really all he did was nurse and sleep. Whereas Lily was at the prime of cuteness- discovering the world anew each day. I figured it would just take some time for B to be on board with Oliver in the same way he was with Lily. But as we got to talking I realized he was going through much of the same feelings as I did with Lily. He began by saying, "Lily could grow up and be anything- a doctor, a hairstylist, a mom- anything and I wouldn't care- whatever she does will be perfect and I will be happy and proud, but with a son it feels different." He continued on by saying, "you know how when Owen (Blackwell) was born, so much emphasis was on how one day he would surf just like his dad (and mom), I realized that when you have a son, everyone has all these ideas of what sort of an athlete he will be- whether it's baseball, or surfing, or skating - whatever the dad does the son will naturally do- it's sort of intense. I feel like there is all these expectations on him to perform- and I feel like how he turns out is so dependent on me..." It was ironic to hear his thoughts, as I flashed back to how I felt and still feel raising a daughter, and how having a son felt so much different, almost easier.
As my daughter enters a new realm of development... she'll be 2 in may, I am wrestling more than ever with how to raise her "right"- or what i think is right... The crazy thing is I can do, and say all I want to her about being the perfect girl. But really, God taught me this right away with kids- we can talk all we want, but if we aren't walking the talk- it's futile. As Lily grows more cognisant each day, I realize how more than ever the importance of my love and representation of Christ in my own life is what will make her into who she needs to be. May God bless the broken road which leads me back to him....

I thought a picture was in order... but the real question is do I even still look like this? This morning I was getting ready- actually going to blow dry my hair... my son was sleeping and daughter - strangely enough was in her crib reading books- I was looking in the mirror and tripping out- which is something I do often- I was thinking is this really my life? Not in a bad way- just perplexed. I didn't have any make up on and I looked like I was in high school- well sort of- with lots of gray hair and a few wrinkles- but really it was one of those moments- like this is me but I have two kids. Am I even old enough, responsible enough- selfless enough, to have two kids? So I found this picture as my first post, I guess to try and remember if I still look like that- or more importantly is my personality - my heart- my soul the same as it was in this picture. I'll tell you what I remember about this day...

We were in France, Biarritz to be exact. It was a beautiful day. Brandon and I were hanging out on the beach, B was not surfing, bc like most of our vacations- there was no surf. So we were out on the little town, with no money. It was the most budget vacation I've ever been on. We were living in Edinburgh, Scotland and found flights for .01 pence. Thats like 2 cents here. So we found this "self-catering" accomadation and made the journey- which did involve sleeping in the terminal at London-stansted airport (which was pretty typical when you travel with ryanair) . Anyway the accomadations were beyond budget, we thought we could cook meals in the place, but we didn't have any of the basics, so we ended up eating baguettes and brie cheese most days. I remember vividly the one night we splurged on a nice dinner. We hopped onto our rented bikes and found a little restaraunt overlooking the cliffs in biarritz. Through the windows of this tiny little restaraunt, we saw an amazing night sky- only slightly tainted by the lights of the main strip. At this restarant I ate mussels for the first time- seriously fresh from the ocean- they were amazingly good- but what I remember the most was the wine- it waw white and from the region- but it was so dry and tasted so mineraly- not being a huge white wine drinker- I was soooo into it. I haven't found wine like that since. Which to some degree is okay, cause the way it seared my taste buds will always be reminscent of that night in France.

If I could've seen a flash of my life today that night, I'm sure I wouldn't have neccisarily been surprised... I mean I was married, kids next is natural. I guess the strange thing is I never could've imagined how i'd feel having kids- experiencing a love so deep, and so consuming, almost scary. All I thought about that night in Biarritz, or that time in my life was well myself. I loved God with all my heart, and was so focused on developing that, and enjoying my marriage- I never knew I could be so consumed by another love this side of heaven...

blogifi

Could it really be... I love a good blog right. Not really, I've really only read Jen's, but if she has a blog... then I really can have one. So here it is, my first entry. Not gonna be long, cause the nearly 2 year old is demanding my attention. I guess I wanted this to be about motherhood to some degree, but that even seems so un original. Yet to me it is sooo original. Feeling in the serious throws of having two kids, it seems all consuming... therefore it would be natural for the blog to have the mother feel- yet hopefully it will be more. So that's the beginning I guess. More later.