dear
homewrecker mrs. meyer,
on a dare, and after some serious peer pressure, i conceded to read your first masterpiece. i had some time in between reading 'real books' for my book club, and a weekend in the snow- the combination of the two events made everyone i know convince me i had to give your vampires a try.
upon arrival at the cabin, i tried to resist you. but there you were laying so casually on the table beckoning me with your sleek black cover and shiny red apple. who do you think you are? the wicked queen from snow white?
did i mention this was my kids first trip to the snow when they would be cognisant enough to feel, experience and actually remember? did i want them to think back on their FIRST trip to the snow and wonder why their mom was hiding in the van hovering over a book written for tweens? i even brought a real book along-- on adoption-- on something that really matters... only to kid myself. i feel sorry for you that you make people skip books on adoption to read about boys with golden eyes and large white hands.
it wasn't enough that i was avoiding my inlaws, kids and husband, you wanted more. you got in my head, and tried to compromise my usual stellar judgement. you made me start asking myself things like, 'i can't remember, is it rude to read at the dinner table?' or 'would it be super awkward to ask my mother in law to run to the store and buy some formula for the baby so i could stay up all night and read this masterpiece load of crap?' but i'm pretty sure i hit rock bottom when i was basically drinking strawberry hill (rose wine) and cowering in the corner while everyone frolicked in the snow.
like the sweet, and trying to be understanding family they are, they had to ask me what it was that was so great about these books. which is kind of the worst question ever. how do you answer that one steph? its kindof impossible huh? cuz no matter what you say, you sound like a total douche. you start stammering, wondering how you can make them deeper and more meaningful than the stark reality that we are really just reading a 'dumbed down' version of danielle steel (which btw no one knew was possible)
your're a family girl, right stephenie? i wish i could tell you how much the kids loved the snow, and about all the adventures they went on, or the blast they had sledding and building snowman's... cuz i know you would appreciate it, but sadly i can't. instead, these few pictures will have to suffice. notice how i'm not in any of them? i'm starting to wonder if i was even there. thanks for ruining my weekend, and my life.
your biggest fan,
holly
PS- oh, and you bitch. perhaps the worst part about all of this is that i could have written these stupid books. my 5 year old prolly could have for that matter. i could've been a millionaire, not stuck trying to sling juice plus. you suck. unless you buy juice plus from me, or better yet, let me be your realtor. then maybe we'd be even. otherwise you owe me big time lady... and worse, you owe my kids, and millions others their mom back. how do you sleep at night?