conniekins

for mothers day i bought myself a book called 'because i lover her.' its a compilation of over 30 women writers who reflect on the mother-daughter bond. i'm only onto the third one, but already i've been moved to tears.

when i try to analyze why the mother daughter thing is so relevant to me, its really not as complicated as i often make it.

its simple really. i've always had a great relationship with my own mom.

my parents divorced when i was 8, and since my brother was 7 yrs older- he went and lived with my dad. it was only a matter of a couple of years till he bailed slo completely. i always felt like an only child. but never did i feel lonely the way many only children do. maybe because i knew in the back of my mind that one day my brother and i would be close (as we are), or maybe it was because my mom was like a sister in so many ways. in any event, i came to know life through my mother's eyes.

now that i have kids of my own, i cannot even fathom what it would be like to be a single mom. i guess i would hope that, like my own mom did, i would just pour myself into my kids. however, i'm not so sure i would be capable of such a selfless act. from age 8-18 my mom pretty much put her own needs, desires and wants aside to ensure my success as a woman. though i did my fair share of blowing it, for the most part it worked.

as i read through some of the essays in the book, i find it interesting that so many of these women feel incompetent around their own mothers. they feel as if they will never cook, clean, organize, sew, carpool or whatever as well as their own mom did. though they love their mom, they often dread her visit, cause feelings of inferiority may surface.

when it comes to running a household, i don't share the same sediments. though i in no way have mastered it, things run pretty smooth here on fearn ave. typically when b gets home, the house is picked up, dinner is in process and the kids are generally happy.

though i'm satisfied with my homemaking abilities, i know its not enough.

although my kids are still young, i recognize its their character, integrity, their world view- that's the stuff that really matters. as i've mentioned before, i'm not sure i'd have the confidence to rent a room to john carter, or take the time to stop old ladies in the grocery store and watch their eyes light up as i tell them lavender really is their color, or drag my kids to the old folks home to visit every sunday and call it church. i grew up going to unity, and marianne williamson was a household name. all these experiences and more are what made me the person i am today. my moms ability to expose me to so many things, in combination with her devout love for me (as in never once missing one of my basketball games) are what defined my character. and though i would sometimes long to live in the arbors in a track home with nice white carpet and a mom and dad and chocolate chip cookies, i know now that living on pismo street in a smelly old house on the creek with john was really where i belonged.

my moms gifts would take pages to list. she's one of those people that impacts all she interfaces with. to this day when i run into people from my past, kids and parents alike will always ask about my mom.

her love for god humbles me. her heart for social justice moves me. and her love for her grandkids brings me to my knees in thankfulness...

i've said it before and i'll say it again, if i could be half the woman she is, i will have succeeded.

happy mothers day mom.

i love you.