Wednesday, November 19, 2008
'morning yearning' is the title to one of my favorite ben harper songs.
i've been dreading this post for awhile, but also hoping to glean some sort of therapy from it.
i know this may sound dramatic, especially when most days i fume about how mad my chillin' are making me, but the reality is i'm such a softy at heart. the older they get, the harder it is for me to leave them.
perhaps its the speech- the fact that they too now have their words (words are undoubtedly the way to my heart), or maybe its just the time spent, a solid 3.5 years for lils and almost 2 for oz. whatever the reason, i am just sick about having to go on vacation without them.
one of b's best friends from college is getting married in oaxaca, mexico this january. although there was no mention that it was a kid free event, we somehow made the decision back in april to go solo. the tickets purchased (award mileage!), the deal done. after much thought we decided the kids will stay at our house with b's parents, and my mom will be available at a moments notice to help. i'm aware i couldn't ask for a better way to leave them (at home with not one, but two sets of grandparents!!), but the crazy thing is, is most days i have at least one solid hour of anxiety about it. things like, what if they don't know that morning smoothie goes in a straw sippy, and juice goes in an ozzy sippy, or how many naps will oz have to wake without me to ease him out of dreamworld, or what if my in laws can't find a park to take them to.
when i think about it in depth, i realize that perhaps it isn't even that their needs won't be met in the perfect fashion they are day to day with mom and dad. maybe its more that i will miss them so terribly i will ache. my mom tells me of the time she left my brother for the first time. he was 3, and i was 4 years away from even being born. she went to hawaii, and described her time as, "restful at first, but then a yearning came over me that was so intense, that my body and soul literally ached for him..."
i know. we're a dramatic lot. most of you are thinking- "i'd leave my kids with anyone to be able to go on a trip alone with my spouse.." yet i can't quite get there. i know i'll miss them terribly, but the thing that seems to irk me the most is knowing that they will be missing me. that just kills me. as a mom i never knew that my desire to see my kids happy would outweigh everything- from the mundane to the major, i really just want to see them smile.
often times when i'm laying with lily after i read her books, i began to write out the 15 page manual in my mind i will undoubtedly compose before we leave. yet i can't ever sit down to write it because i'm concerned things will be different in two months. nothing major, but even two months ago we'd rock oz to sleep for his nap, now we just lay him in his crib. or that lily only wears shiny pink shoes to preschool then immediately puts on her flip flops. kids love routine, and they love when you know what they love. will they really survive 5 days without me???
whatever the result, the time will ultimately present itself and b will likely have to pry me away. our drive to the airport will undoubtedly be me trying to stifle my cries, while b wonders if this was really such a good idea. and once i get over being convinced we will die on the airplane, i might muster up the strength to have a margarita to take the edge off... at that point b will likely have to hide the phone so i don't start drunk dialing my own kids. oh mexico, will you really be worth it?
so my dear friends, think of me the second week of january and if you get a chance, throw one up for my kids... and well, me.
i guess ben nailed it, cause the last refrain sums up my sediments....
like a summer rose I’m a victim of the fall
But am soon returning
You’re love’s the warmest place the sun ever shines
my morning yearning