Wednesday, November 19, 2008

morning yearning

'morning yearning' is the title to one of my favorite ben harper songs.

i've been dreading this post for awhile, but also hoping to glean some sort of therapy from it.
i know this may sound dramatic, especially when most days i fume about how mad my chillin' are making me, but the reality is i'm such a softy at heart. the older they get, the harder it is for me to leave them.
perhaps its the speech- the fact that they too now have their words (words are undoubtedly the way to my heart), or maybe its just the time spent, a solid 3.5 years for lils and almost 2 for oz. whatever the reason, i am just sick about having to go on vacation without them.
one of b's best friends from college is getting married in oaxaca, mexico this january. although there was no mention that it was a kid free event, we somehow made the decision back in april to go solo. the tickets purchased (award mileage!), the deal done. after much thought we decided the kids will stay at our house with b's parents, and my mom will be available at a moments notice to help. i'm aware i couldn't ask for a better way to leave them (at home with not one, but two sets of grandparents!!), but the crazy thing is, is most days i have at least one solid hour of anxiety about it. things like, what if they don't know that morning smoothie goes in a straw sippy, and juice goes in an ozzy sippy, or how many naps will oz have to wake without me to ease him out of dreamworld, or what if my in laws can't find a park to take them to.
when i think about it in depth, i realize that perhaps it isn't even that their needs won't be met in the perfect fashion they are day to day with mom and dad. maybe its more that i will miss them so terribly i will ache. my mom tells me of the time she left my brother for the first time. he was 3, and i was 4 years away from even being born. she went to hawaii, and described her time as, "restful at first, but then a yearning came over me that was so intense, that my body and soul literally ached for him..."
i know. we're a dramatic lot. most of you are thinking- "i'd leave my kids with anyone to be able to go on a trip alone with my spouse.." yet i can't quite get there. i know i'll miss them terribly, but the thing that seems to irk me the most is knowing that they will be missing me. that just kills me. as a mom i never knew that my desire to see my kids happy would outweigh everything- from the mundane to the major, i really just want to see them smile.
often times when i'm laying with lily after i read her books, i began to write out the 15 page manual in my mind i will undoubtedly compose before we leave. yet i can't ever sit down to write it because i'm concerned things will be different in two months. nothing major, but even two months ago we'd rock oz to sleep for his nap, now we just lay him in his crib. or that lily only wears shiny pink shoes to preschool then immediately puts on her flip flops. kids love routine, and they love when you know what they love. will they really survive 5 days without me???

whatever the result, the time will ultimately present itself and b will likely have to pry me away. our drive to the airport will undoubtedly be me trying to stifle my cries, while b wonders if this was really such a good idea. and once i get over being convinced we will die on the airplane, i might muster up the strength to have a margarita to take the edge off... at that point b will likely have to hide the phone so i don't start drunk dialing my own kids. oh mexico, will you really be worth it?
so my dear friends, think of me the second week of january and if you get a chance, throw one up for my kids... and well, me.

i guess ben nailed it, cause the last refrain sums up my sediments....
like a summer rose I’m a victim of the fall
But am soon returning
Soon returning
You’re love’s the warmest place the sun ever shines
my morning yearning


lynn said...

oh holls, you are so cute. you are such a great mom, with a huge heart. thanks for sharing it on cyberspace :) i WILL pray for you, for your kids, and the grandparents even now. we could trade, maybe devin wouldn't mind if we showed up at his wedding instead of you :)

Shannon said...

I laughed out loud at this line, "at that point b will likely have to hide the phone so i don't start drunk dialing my own kids." You're hilarious and passionate, and those are just a few of the traits that make you a great mom.:) Just an FYI my bro & Sis-inlaw did the same thing (leaving their precious offspring with my mom & dad + me the doting aunt). They missed mom at first but ultimately they survived... and got so much one on one attention it was a little sick. If anything you'll need to de-program them when you get back.
Hasta La Vista baby!

The Avilas said...

Holls- This probably won't help much but when I was younger, my parents left on a trip. I stayed behind with my grandparents. I had some hard times, but some good times too. Got spoiled and pretty much loved it. The best part....I was not eternally scarred from it. I am doing okay and don't blame them for it. Especially now that I have my own. I am actually proud of them. And of you. You can do it. Just chant my motto. "Drink till it's fun".

zaiahbird said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Davenports said...

hols...i've got no adivce, just wanna empathize. as a first time, new mom, i can't imagine leaving hayvn in his crib to cry for more than 10 minutes or leave him with anyone for longer than a few hours...but i'm going to venture to say that they'll be fine...heck, they'll probably have a great time. alas, as with most parental things, this will be harder on you than on them...

Soderin Family said...

i'm leaving noah with eric from sunday until tuesday so i can go to a teacher's convention. you pray for me...i'll pray for you!!

The Harper Family said...


I don't know if this is comforting but from a child development standpoint it's very healthy for Lily & Oz's development to be away from their parents and form strong attachments with other people in their world. You're actually building their character with this experience...

g2 said...

Obamanos a Oaxaca!

speaking from experience, nothing will ever be "worth" more than your kids, especially mexico (the real mexico, that is). that said, i'm with emily; this small personal challenge will most likely yield long-term benefits for the try and enjoy!

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