"our deepest fear is that we are inadequate..." and so the saying goes. i can't ever remember the rest, i suppose that there is some sort of redemption at the end, but the beginning is what often resonates for me.
i've touched on this subject before, and somehow i know this won't be the last time. and really, i'm still trying to figure out why i feel so passionate about it.
most days i feel totally inadequate raising a daughter.
perhaps its because i feel like i have big shoes to fill- i can't ever remember a time when i really didn't like or was truly mad at my own mother. and to this day, we have an amazing friendship. so why should it be so hard to facilitate that with my own daughter?
well, it could be a myriad of reasons. lets first examine her. perhaps the thing that frightens me the most is just how different we are. did i mention that she's only 2? i don't remember what i was like at 2, but i can tell you that when i was 8 i was the first girl to play tackle football (pop warner) in this county. i'm lucky if i can get lily to go down a slide by herself. my favorite white dress is faded blue jeans. lily wretches if she cannot wear a skirt every minute... of every day. lily loves anything and everything princess. i think cinderella needs to sack up and tell her stepmom to beat it, it was her house anyway.... those are just a few examples of our distinctions.
i know, she's 2. her behavior and tendencies are perfectly normal for a 2 year old girl. she is not the exception. but i will ask you. how do you respond when your sweet, tender little girl who just adores and worships every little thing about cinderella and consequently despises those mean stepsisters (who by the way, always "make bad choices") tells you when she feels like being beastly, that she wants to be a mean stepsister- because she wants to be mean that badly. or, what do you do, or say, when that same cute little girl is on the floor writhing because she simply cannot leave the house in anything but a skirt and shiny shoes.
is it that i fear our differences will inhibit us from a thriving friendship later in life? or is it that i fear so much that the way i discipline or don't discipline her will impair her overall well being? or maybe its just that she really isn't like me and we won't ever connect in this magical way i imagined we would. if that is the case i do recognize that i need to get over myself. so what if she doesn't turn out like me- as if i've been rationed the winning personality- there's a lengthy list of things i wish was... and when i think of my closest friends- save lealah, none are much like me at all. i would be honored, and so proud if i raised a emily harper, or shelley blackwell, or jenny schlenker- i could go on- but you get the point.
i guess all i really know is that, yes, she is only 2. and some days are a lot harder than others. i just fear becoming that mom... you know- the mom from spanglish, or american beauty...
regardless of who i become, this much i know... lily will break my heart, likely more than once. and i will continue to blow it, but maybe, just maybe, we could have some laughs along the way.