"one mark of christian authenticity is discontentment with anything less than all the fullness of God"
-John Piper
"i feel like my parents in the late 80's" brandon tells me as we are driving home from church. having not known his parents in the late 80's- i still know exactly what he meant. it's that place of not outright sin, but def not full of passion and longing for God- it's just kind of going through the motions. i'm gonna get right to the point this time, i have been trying to skirt around it this entire blog, but today is the day... i am lacking intimacy with God. i've got all the excuses and justifications- parenting, nursing, 2 small children, time, apathy. it's all there and all real, but not they do not exonerate me from walking closely with the God i love.
i've been trying to put my finger on it for awhile... using words like "evolved, or matured, or season" to justify my current state, but i don't think it really matters or helps. sometimes i think its about time, like when, and how do i find time for a "quiet time." But it's deeper than that- its off my radar. i'm not craving intimacy with God, as a matter of fact, i'm really not craving intimacy with anyone- i am brimming with affections- if i'm not nursing (which really when am i not- my son is starving) i'm cuddling my toddler, or trying to love on my husband. physically, i am complete. mentally, i'm lacking. i find in the few minutes of alone time i have, i want to loose myself in a novel- about to start anna karenina (anyone want to read it with me?) - or guiltily want to watch ellen- seriously she is so stinkin funny. what i don't feel like doing is getting out the old bible.
i've written about feeling dissatisfied before- that was a wordly dissatisfaction stemmed from a lack of spirituality... it seems so obvious now. i really thought for awhile that my faith had evolved- that's not quite the word, b/c to evolve denotes an aspect of superiority - which isn't what i mean. i'll tell you what i do know. what i do know, is that my faith looks a lot different than it did when i first got saved, or when i was in college, and rightly so. i am a different person, my environment and circumstances are completely different. i also know that i have become more liberal in my faith. what's redeeming is that for me, this liberalness (is that a word) equates more love and acceptance. i don't feel so confined and defined by the right wing republican ticket. i do believe global warming exists, i believe that god really loves homosexuals and they can be my friends without feeling like i have to convert them- and to broaden it further, i can have non-christian friends- we can agree to disagree. i can have a beer, or a glass of wine and not feel condemned. i feel a lot more free, and more importantly as i mentioned a lot more love.
yet i know the line is fine. and my liberalness can waver into disobedience... thankfully i have in my life people that will, and have called me out in my idleness.
so hear i am. knowing i need to fall in love with God again. craving a holy discontentment- not a wordly one as piper would say. i want to long for jesus and the things that are of him. i want to be yearning for righteousness and desire to know Him more, not so that i can be, or feel like a better person, but so that i can experience the zeal and fervor and majesty that comes when we are right with him- so that if nothing else it will overflow into the people around me- especially, and of utmost importance for my children... as it is written, "we...pray for you... that you may be... increasing in the knowledge of God." "Grow in the... knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." (Colossians 1:9-10; 2 Peter 3:18) and again, "we must pay closer attention to what we have heard, so that we do not drift away." (Hebrews 2:1)
so that's my heart today... let's pray for renovation...
