in process part 6

well for starters, no real news to report. we are still waiting. waiting, but quite pateniently i might add. having three kids gives me little time to think about much else. but at least once a day, i'll find myself thinking about him. whether its when i'm folding laundry, or rocking tali to sleep, or praying with the kids before bed, somehow, someway our son comes to mind. when i think about him, i feel a surge of happiness and contentment fully trusting (today at least) that god's will will be done and he will bring him home in his due time.  as far as news from ethiopia, it appears the adoptions are still going strong and the slowdown they predicted a few months back seems to be much better than they thought.  after that news i think i kind of began preparing myself for the what if.  i know as excited as i am, there is still a part of me that wants to hold back a little knowing that the unknown is very much a real thing.  it's funny though, cuz when i try and talk about it with b, he seems unfazed.  every so often he'll just ask me and the kids out of the blue what our et son is doing right now.  oz usually ventures he might be playing on his ipad.  oh the ignorance of privileged american children....

i was going through my adoption journal the other day and came across this entry.  kind of gives you birds eye view into the homestudy portion of our process.

10/13/10-- well we met with our social worker for the first time yesterday. it went really well. i honestly had no idea what to expect. this whole process feels a lot like we are just blindly fumbling our way along. perhaps that's why sometimes i feel defensive about people's reaction. but i can't tell you how encouraging it is to be with people that really understand... and know. people like this woman. she was really great, you could tell that she really LOVES kids and they are always her first priority. she asked us a bunch of questions, one in particular that everyone thinks but only some dare to ask. 

'so, as you know your son will be african, as in he will have black skin. he will look very different than the rest of your family. how do you feel you will be able to handle people's comments and stares?' 

since i was consciously trying not to answer every question and allow b to talk, i tried to defer to him. it was then we i realized in a lot of ways that b grew up in a similar way.   as some of you know, b's brother is developmentally disabled. he was born 3 months premature and has hydrocephalus, mild autism, and mild cerebral palsey. he's a great guy, loves soda, farts, facial hair and music. a real crowd pleaser to say the least.  but it goes without saying that he was very different than most of b's friends siblings.  as i heard b began to explain to this woman how aware he has always been of people staring and off-hand comments, it made me realize in a lot of ways he is more prepared for an african son than i thought.   it also helped me understand why it is that b could seriously care less what people think of him (often to a fault in my opinion). but seriously, as someone who has always cared to much about what people think, it's trippy for me to think about. as he continued to speak about his experience with dustin as a brother, so much became clear.  ever since i've known b, he's never been embarrased or made excuses for his brother. he is able to accept all of him fully.  and that in itself is such a feat.  

i can't tell you how often i feel the need to make excuses for my kids.  for their behaviour, their clothes, their shortcomings.  when i get down to the root of it, its totally pride.  i want my kids to give off the image that they are great, happy well adjusted kids.  kids who eat all their vegetables anything, kids who are polite, kids who have a good attitude and can get over things fast.  but the reality is, they continually fall short of these things.  its been so humbling for me to have kids that are not people pleasers.  they in a lot of ways like their father could care less what people think.  finally, i have  reason to feel thankful for this.  for when their brother does come and they get those snarky comments about his skin color, they can just get their rude on and for once i'll be proud of it.
lily started kindergarten a couple months back. they say time will start to fly by. i can't wait to write those words about our son. 

he will start kindergarten some day, with us. here, in our town, in our home. it will be just as hard to let him go, but again the reminder- they are more god's than ours, and today i am so thankful for that.

summer hell

for most of us summer means sun, vacations, relaxation and poolside bbq's. i can barely recall, but i'm pretty sure there was a time in my life where this applied to me.

however, these days summer means something entirely different.   no sun, just fog, no relaxing cuz there is no school, and as for the pool, all that i'll be doing near a pool is listening to my children scream their way through swim lessons. but worst of all, all three of my kids are home all day.
seriously, i can't even begin to comprehend how this is going to look.

i know, i know. i'm being super dramatic. heck, all kinds of crazy moms stay home with their kids all year long-- its called homeschooling, and undoubtedly my own private hell. after having my first kid in school the whole year, i honestly can't imagine life without dropping her off everyday for 4 sweet hours.  props to you mom who stays home all day and loves it.  no joke, i'm seriously considering a part time job just to get away...

in all seriousness though, i really am having some anxiety about having to be home alone with them all day.  i never thought i would say two kids is easy!  any combination of my two  is easy.  its when all three are together that i start to unravel.  i've come to terms with the work part of it all.  one of my life slogans is 'why stand when you can sit, and why sit when you can lay down.'  yet i've come to terms with this.  i never sit.  ever.  and if i do, i'm folding laundry.  and if, for some strange moment, all my kids are occupied and i do sit down, i literally fall asleep within 5 minutes.  and then as soon as i've been asleep for 45 seconds, someone needs their butt wiped, or tali falls off the kitchen table, or lily can't find that one pair of shoes.  and then i'm so mad, cuz i was sleeping and someone woke me up.  and then i'm grumpy cuz i'm tired and want more than anything to just check out.  so the moral of the story is, i never sit down from 7:30-5:30.  that's the only way to ensure i won't rage on my kids, actually there's really no way to ensure that.

yet i digress...  so if it's not the busy part of having three kids, what is so hard?  one word.  fighting.  my older two fight all day long.  and it's a long day.  i've tried everything-- ignoring it, intervening as soon as it gets tense, and every manner of discipline, but nothing works.  the constant tension just makes all of us on edge.  it's some bad juju in this house and it can feel so suffocating.

but if i'm really honest, perhaps the hardest part of all of it is just feeling like i'm failing.  this is my job, and i kind of suck at it.  i am so thankful to be able to stay at home with my kids.  i love that i get to take and pick them up every day from school, that when they are sick, i'm there.  i love not missing anything in their lives.  it is such an honor and privilege to have this calling.  and trust me you know you're failing when you start praying things like, 'lord i pray they won't remember this day, or this hour or this summer...'  i want so bad to be good at what i do and raise happy, healthy, god fearing, loving children.  i don't want people to think gosh she sure complains a lot, why did she have so many kids if all she does is complain....  and then the adoption--- it seems so much more intense then just having four bio kids.  i'm actively choosing and advocating for this child, bringing him into a home that's full of love and a place where he is wanted.  i mean, i really have got to have it together.  the stakes seem so much higher...

so i guess what i'm saying is, thanks for letting me vent.  if you have any ideas besides drinking in the daytime, don't hesitate to enlighten me.  but most of all, please don't judge me, just pray for me this summer.  pray for me when you find yourself  lounging poolside, reading people and drinking a margarita.  i'll be folding laundry... standing up.

yup, this is what i'm up against.

                                                             

vacation priveleged

lately a few people have been calling us 'vacation privileged,' somehow i'm still not sure if that is a compliment.  but in any event, i will concede we've been able to swing a few getaways these last six months.

how could i easily  forget our little trip to vegas.  probably the coolest thing about this one, besides being sans kids, was that is was 100% free!  free flights to and from, free room at the wynn, and free drinks and dinner the entire time in exchange for some riveting conversations about coolers, chillers and units.  aside from my little slip up at the world's largest forever 21, we made out like bandits in vegas.

next up was tahoe.  tahoe, oh tahoe.  truckee truly is my home away from home-- it is so good for my soul.  this was a last chance for us at truckee. sadly our days there are going to be much more limited from here on out, so even though this trip was last minute, we just had to take advantage of it!

lastly, we had the biggie.  one of the coolest things about b's grandma was how much she loved to travel.  it was kind of her 'thing' to take the whole family (her two sons and their families) on a big trip every year.  she took us to costa rica, a cruise to the carribean, and a cruise to mexico in the years i was part of the family before she passed away.  b's parents seem to be in the business of carrying on this tradition with some heavy nudging from us.  so around the first of the year, we got out the calender and began planning where we should go.  we suggested somewhere 'easy' simply because of the three crazies that would be accompanying us.  b and i love mexico... before the kids we drove and camped in baja, and after the kids we visited the blackwells a couple of times in san jose del cabo and even took one trip to zihuatanejo with some friends a few years back.  out of all of those, we knew san jose would be the easiest to swing with the kids.  it was familiar, the flight was short, and b's parents time share group had places there.  before we knew it, the resort and flights were booked, all courtesy of the rodgers in the spirit of grandma!  since we had six months to prepare, i began saving a wee bit of money here and there and hiding it in one of the books on the bookshelf. i had done pretty good, till we had to unexpectedly get our septic tank pumped (the joys of the LO life).  regardless, we were going and it was going to be awesome.

so here are some pictures and my regular trip rendition of highs and lows.

highs

-getting tali's carseat on the plane.  there was ONE extra seat on that flight and god's grace was manifested through the ticket agent guy-- either that or he saw tali stomping around and crying like a crazy person cuz i wouldn't give her a sucker.

-swim up bar.  never, ever underestimate their power.

-happy hour.  drinks at these resorts can be pretty pricey, but it seemed like happy hour was every hour.  which may or may not have been the case, but being able to say 'just charge it to room 1116' made everything seem free.

-realizing my latina roots are still alive and kicking.  getting my bronze on asap.  also realizing that although the chicano skipped oz, both my girls have an uncanny ability to bronze.  they will thank me profusely one day as they lounge their bronzed bodies about in avila.

-the spirit of bo derrick is alive and kicking.  lily with 38 tiny braids all through her hair.  the girl sat there still as stone, as alecia worked her rocket fueled fingers through lily's blond locks.

-getting in some quality time with the in-laws.  it was really cool to see the kids loving them so much.  nonna doing all kinds of art with lily, and pop pop taking ozzy on water dragon adventures.

-tali loves the water.  i don't want to jinx it or get to excited, but it would appear that maybe, just maybe one of our kids will swim before the age of 10.

-virgin strawberry daiquiris. that's all i drank the whole time... physch!  no, really the kids discovered these and couldn't get enough of them or as they call them with a huge giggle, strawberry diarrhea's.

-both of my girls now own high heels.  only in mexico.

-swim up bar.  yes, again.

-realizing how much our friends have become family.  wishing they were there... b announcing/declaring (during happy hour on multiple occasions) one day we will be rich enough to take them all here!  we'll look forward to that greg.

-black out curtains.  the resort rooms had those black out curtains, and my kids slept like logs.  tali was taking 3 hr naps and sleeping in till 9 most days.

-tali learning to say hola.  perfectly.  L rolled flawlessly.

-realizing ozzy is more comfortable with mexicans than gringos.  he must've said 'hola amigo' to every mexican dude he saw.

-jacuzzi tub in the rooms.  we spent a lot of time in here with the kids.  don't hold your breath, but its possible you too will get a *naked* picture of the rodgers family for your next christmas card.

-reading bossypants poolside with a margarita in hand.  that's when you know you've arrived.


lows

-the flight back was completely booked.  this meant no carseat for tali.  she was crazy.  you know you are in for it when they are actually refusing starbust's and suckers cuz they've had that many.

-the days, there were only a couple of them, but the days that happy hour won.  those weren't so good.

-consuming 60,000 calories.  a day.  seriously i haven't ate or drank that much since never.  either never or back when i ate two cheese bagels from boston bagels for lunch in high school.  whatever the case, i easily put on some lb's.



so there you have it.  clearly the highs greatly outweigh the lows.  big thanks once again to nonn and pop for their endless generosity and taking us on a vacation we never could've have swung.  you guys are awesome!

enjoy the pictures... it may seem like a lot, but i narrowed 40 or so down from 250.  your welcome.

lucky 13

my mom comes from a fairly large family.  there were 4 girls and 2 boys.  both brothers have passed as well as one sister.  my mom is super close with one of her sisters in particular, she always has been.  this particular sister we'll call aunt merilyn-- mostly cuz that's her name.  anyhow, this aunt of mine has 13 kids.

13.  all with one brave man, all out her very own lady parts, and none of the 13 being multiples.

telling the story of my aunt with 13 kids is one of my favorite to tell, its up there with i can say the alphabet backwards, i was homecoming queen, and of course the time when ben harper almost kissed me.  all of these get a great reaction, but the 13 kids for whatever reason usually gets the most play.

needless to say going to my aunt and uncle's house for holidays was a dream come true for a girl with one brother who is 7 years older.  as a child i remember their house being very large.  it was in stockton, so naturally it was all fenced in--almost like a compound.  they had tennis courts, a basketball hoop, a pool, a play structure and a huge grassy area for playing soccer and tag.  being the tomboy that i was am, i spent a lot of time outside, but when i did venture in i spent the bulk of my time in one of the back bedroooms.  surprisingly, not one of the kids was my exact age, but there was a trio of girls that i was closest in age to.  their room was very pink, with three pink twin beds equa-distance apart, and huge closets.  there was a bathroom attached to the room that was shared with some of the other older kids.  its funny to think there were even rooms there cuz i'm pretty sure most of the kids slept in their parents room, either on the bed, or the floor, or wherever they could find space.
aside from a raspy voice you would kill for, and thick brown hair, they were all very much individuals.  i learned so much from them without them even knowing.  i must share some comedy genes with tara, janai and i helped provoke each others rebellious sides by sneaking our grandma's smokes, and danielle always made me want to try harder to be pretty.  of course the boys made their mark too, i loved playing with brandon when i needed a break from the girls, and jason, jordan and giovanni were great pals to me as well.

when i tell people about my aunt having 13 kids they usually say something like, 'oh wow, she must have run a tight ship!'  or 'oh you mean like the duggars?' or even better, 'you have to be so organized to manage that many kids, how did she do it?'  i usually just nod and smile, and try to recall as much as i can about how in fact she did do it.  because aside from having a 12 passenger van, and 2 washers and 2 dryers, she really had nothing in common with the duggars or jon and kate.  it took me going back to their house as an adult to realize just how bare bones that house was.  i mean i remember cereal, and toast with butter-- that, and maybe some canned soup was all you would find in the cupboards any given day.  kids would watch out for each other, but it didn't stop them from getting hurt, or crying, or wanting more attention.  they were normal kids of course, but they were... happy.  and that's the craziest thing of all....

so happy with their upbringing in fact, that one of the girls has seven kids of her own, another five...  ironically the boys all have 1, maybe 2.  but the girls, they just keep em coming like their momma did.  even though i wasn't in that family, i know my desire to have a big family came in large part from the time i spent with them.

when i start to get ocd about my kids behaviour and well being and what they do and don't eat, or feel guilty about having 4 kids one day like its to many to love and care for... i think back to my cousins.   all 13 of them.  sure they've had their struggles like us all, but they've all turned into adults any parent would be so proud of. 13 kids, all doing great, that's more than remarkable, its miraculous!

so this goes out to you all my lovely orlando cousins, please.... please let's get going on a memoir.  tell me your stories... we'll do this.  it will be awesome.

in process part 5

i thought i'd take a minute to update y'all on whats been happening with our adoption.  if we're friends on fb or in real life, you might already have a pretty good idea, but for the rest of you here's a wee update. 

the biggest of the big is that we are finally, officially, DTE (dossier to ethiopia) status.  as i explained before, once your dossier (big, crazy ass bunch of papers detailing every corner of your life) goes to ethiopia, you are officially on the waiting list.  so with that said, all we have left to do is wait... awhile.  like at least a year.  
its funny though, cuz as much as i long for the day that he comes home, god has given me an impressive patience and peace about it.  for the first time possibly ever, i really feel like i can trust his timing to be perfect.  it also helps that besides pining away, there really is nothing i can do to speed up the process.
its been fun around the house lately.  we've officially named him, so its been super cool to hear the kids talk about him like he's already part of the family.  lily asking me to buy tom's for her with the request that the pair that goes to a kid without shoes would be to a kid in ET who happens to be her brother (the girl will do anything for charity shoes )... or oz reminding me not to forget to pray for his  brother at night before bed.  as much as i know it won't be easy peasy once he gets here, i know that God's grace is and will be sufficient for us.  and today, that's enough. so if you find yourself wondering what's up with our adoption any time in the next year, just know nothing really.... we are just waiting... 

it's a bit out of context, but i was going through my adoption journal the other day and found this entry. it's kind of random, but really reveals my heart and the way in which the process has stirred so many feelings and emotions...

8/8/10 i was out running today and i got to thinking...

i'm not sure how old i was when i realized that my life isn't like the movies. for a long time, i was pretty sure i was molly ringwald (but hotter:) and my blane or jake would come rescue me. it might have been after my first broken heart, when i honestly felt like i could never love again, let alone even get out of bed. the depth of my pain felt so suffocating -- surely this isn't what john hughes saw for my life.

and then i grew up and fell in love with a man that couldn't hold a candle to jake. and we dreamed about what our life would be like and the little mini-us's we'd create. they's have blue eyes and brown hair and be so funny and outgoing and well behaved (one can dream right?)  b and i would watch movies like the family stone and think about having a big, happy, slightly eccentric family...
and then the day came when i held my firstborn in my hands and it was then and there that i knew i had never known a love like this.  yet somehow, miraculously i did. 3 times.  and in my heart i know that i can do it again.  not just cuz children make us smile, and feel whole and happy, but because they make us better. they make us want to try harder, to love deeper, to take bigger risks.  because when we look in their eyes we see a hope and an idea that really anything is possible.

i know when i hold him in my arms, that feeling will come again. not because he's mine, but because he's God's and the day i was born, God knew that my lastborn son would complete our family in a way i never could have dreamed. i cannot wait to see the magic in those deep, dark eyes.

 

think we can squeeze one more on there?

february wrap up

so part of my blogging resolution to include more pictures is actually coming to fruition!  unfortunately, we still haven't made the plunge to get a new camera, but to hold us over we have b's parents fancy pants camera that takes amazing pictures.

february was kind of an action packed month for us.  b and i went away for the first time ever from all 3 kids.  i was ready to compose a full blown blog for my trip to vegas, but then i realized i'd probably get a little to heady about the whole thing... you know seeing old white men schmoozing young hookers in upscale bars, or hearing, ahem, some late night entertainment in the next room, or just being indoors for 3 days straight- it was enough to make anyone crazy.  but despite the lows, it was pretty dreamy just being with the dude with no other responsibilities.  i felt scandalous at how selfish i got to be--- spending all day at the spa, ordering an $80 lunch room service, shopping at the world's largest forever 21....  i'll admit to go from getting maybe a half hour to myself each day, which is dreamily spent reading a book or cat napping to 3 whole days of the most indulgent place on earth-- it was almost too much, yet i somehow managed:)  to sum it up, vegas is def not my first choice in a vacation, but being put up at the wynn for 2 nights and having all these cheesy hvac guys buyin us drinks and dinners made it tolerable.    needless to say, i got my 'vegas' fix for the next 100 years or so.
while we were gone, b's parents stepped in, or should i say stepped up to the challenge of 3 crazy mofo's.  here are some pics that proved they not only did stellar, but that the kids loved every minute of it...

preparing for her future.

pop pop logged some serious floor hours running cars with oz

had to call in the reserves... aunty allison to the rescue!

wouldn't be a visit from nonna without her famous sugar cookies

this frosting is pretty good.

besties.

i could gaze into those eyes forever.

probably the weirdest picture ever.  people always say tali is like a doll, but seriously this is creepy.

most of the fun of these pictures was seeing how the rodgers tried to manage t's hair....

table work.

wink wink.

hair bear

so there you have it.  the kids really had a blast, and since everything went so smoothly, we will definitely be employing the rodgers' overnight services as often as possible!  and as for any pictures we took in vegas?  yeah, we don't have a single one to show for our trip. its almost like we were never there.


next up in february, we went to disneyland for oz's 4th birthday.  we took lily when she turned four- kind of seems like the perfect age.  since oz had never been, he really had no idea what to expect, but no joke at least once a week he asks me when we can go back.  it really is the happiest place on earth.
we left early on a tuesday morning with b's parents and brother in tow.  my mom stayed back with tali so we could really maximize our time.  when we went last time, lily was pretty into all the rides, but wasn't tall enough for some of the bigger ones.  this time, lily and oz were tall enough for every ride there except indiana jones.  now, we had pretty low expectations since our kids are extremely cautious-- like to a fault.  they never take risks, and always assess every situation for danger.  we figured we'd be spending most of our time on the kiddie rides, but straight out of the gate they wanted to head for pirates of the caribbean.  with that under our belt, they were fearless!  we worked our way up slowly... thunder mountain, then the mattlehorn, and then thanks to uncle d's urging, we all went on space mountain.  it was crazy!  i couldn't believe it.  i wish sooooo badly i bought the picture they take when you are on the ride.  oz and i had landed the front row with b and lils right behind us.  the look on oz's face was priceless-- sheer terror!  it was so crazy to be zooming around on that ride and literally having to hold their heads up cuz the gravity was so strong pulling them in every direction. i thought for sure oz would start freaking out-- yet the dude just manned up.  of course he didn't want to go back on, and to this day he will randomly announce that space mountain is the scariest place on earth.  another dream was fulfilled on our trip as we opted to spend the big bucks and eat at the blue bayou (the restaraunt that's in the pirates ride).  b confessed its always been a childhood dream of his to eat there, so we told the broyles (who we were meeting at disneyland for the day) to make reservations and just like that, another wish granted.  the day was altogether amazing.  the longest we waited for a ride was for 20 minutes-- and that was for the nemo submarine ride--- last time i checked people wait like 2 hrs to go on it!  the kids most favorite ride was thunder mountain.  since the park was practically empty, we would ride and then literally hop right back on.  no line at all!  needless to say we scored!  the next day was more of the same.  it was a really cool trip and one that i know we will all look back with such fondness...  here are a few pics to go with it!

she basically ate that whole thing

brothers

watching their favorite ride thunder mountain zoom by

why yes, it is a small world after all

too cute

i'm like that guy in the chair from the maxell ad in the 80's

he's a looker alright.

why yes, i am wearing shorts.  

i know, i thought it was captain jack sparrow too!

lily used her toy $$ for a pirate get up.  

and that my friends was february!

heavy heart monday

i had exactly 27 minutes to get a run in.

 i was supposed to meet this woman at uptown at 10:30 who had also adopted from ethiopia and used the same agency as me.  i really couldn't be late, despite my desire to run longer than a half hour.
i parked at mitchell park, threw tali in the stroller and headed up pismo st.  i always go up pismo st, because the house my mom and i moved into after my parents divorce is on that street, and running in that neighborhood always brings back fond memories.  i took a left on toro and vacillated for a minute as to whether or not i wanted to go up the secret little path behind scolari's.  i decided yes at the last second and swung the stroller wide right and practically bumped into three super old people shuffling their way down the path.  this is why i never go this way... for some reason there are always people on this obscure little path i thought to myself.  i stopped the stroller and moved out of the way so they could pass and nodded politely to them.  as they sloooowly made their way by, i looked over to the stairs at the back door of the grocery store a few feet up from me and saw 4 kids hanging out.  typical slo high slackers i thought to myself as i picked up my momentum and made my way up the path.  on a whim, i glanced the kids direction one last time.  it took a few seconds for me to register what i saw.  but as the path ended it became clear.  the girl on the stairs was literally cutting a line with her atm card on what appeared to be a history book.
cutting a line.  on the back steps of scolaris at 10 in the morning on a monday.
my heart started pounding.  i stopped the stroller at the end of the path where i was out of sight from them.  i couldn't even process what i was seeing.  its not like i've never been around drugs, but there is something so caustic about snorting drugs.  especially meth, which is likely what it was (and don't even get me started on that demonic drug-- seriously there is nothing romantic or fun about meth- it's literally death.  you are literally snorting death).
 the conversation in my head went a little like this... what do i do?  what do i do? i should call the cops.  yeah, totally.  i'll just call the cops and they'll come deal with these kids and teach them a lesson.  i can't do that.  what am i gonna do, call 911 and say what?  there's kids doing drugs behind scolari's?  i should go talk to them. yeah, i really should.  i can't do that!  what am i going to say?  i'm not a recovered drug addict or motivational speaker...they'll just think who does this crazy mom think she is?  i have to go.  i'm going.  i'm gonna talk to them.  
so i turned my stroller around and started walking back... i uttered a quick, 'lord please give me the words to say, cuz i have no idea what is going to come out of my mouth.'

i walk up and their stuff is put away, and they are just sitting there talking.  when they see me, they shut up immediately.  i notice there are two girls and two boys.  the girl i saw cutting the line is sitting on the steps. there is a brown haired boy sitting behind her, and then a blond boy standing next to her.  the other girl is leaning on the railing.  i notice they are all well dressed, well groomed, attractive kids.

'guys, guys, seriously-- what are you doing?'  i implore as i approach.
they all look down to the ground.  no one will make eye contact with me, and no one says a word.
'listen, i'm not an idiot.  i went to slo high, i cut class and went up to the old junior high and did stupid shit too. but seriously, the stuff you are messing with is not okay.  its really not okay.  on so many levels.  that stuff will really, truly ruin your life. i can promise you that.  i had friends that messed with it, and trust me the road back is long and hard.'
silence from all of them.
'hey!' i say to the girl on the steps.  'hey you, look at me.'  she looks up as i pull back the shade on tali's stroller.  they are literally at eye level.  'look in her eyes.  look in my baby girl's eyes.  you were once this little you know.  you were once this little girl, and you have a mom and a dad who LOVE you.  i mean, really, really LOVE you, and if they knew you were doing this, they would be heartbroken.'
she looks down to the ground, and doesn't say a word.
i press on, 'i want you to look at her. maybe you don't have a mom or a dad at home or whatever, i don't know your situation, but i can promise you wherever they are, there heart would literally break to know this is what you are doing.  it would break their heart, i promise you that.'
she stares at the ground.  its getting intense, when suddenly the tall blond boy next to her looks at me and says with definite attitude, 'okay. okay!'
i turn my attention from the girl to him and look him square in the eyes and say, 'hey, watch the attitude alright! listen, i'm not going to the call the cops.  but seriously, you guys need to stop this.  stop doing this and go back to school.'
with one last look at the girl on the steps i turn the stroller around and start running.  when i'm safely out of eyesight i just start crying.  i start thinking about my kids and its all to much.  i start thinking about those kids, and their parents and i can't stop.

i don't know if those kids will ever think about what i said.  and as hard as it was for me to muster up the courage to talk to them, i have zero regrets. sure i've thought and re-thought all the other things i could have, or should have said, but when it was all said and done, i felt like god had given me the words to get my point across.
that morning in the shower while i was praying for my day, i didn't pray for anything out of the ordinary... patience with the kids, energy to get my stuff done, grace for my husband.  the thing is, we never know when god is going to put something like that in our path.  i can't tell you how many times i wished i would have stepped out in faith when presented with a situation.  you never know what god will use in people's life.  chances are those kids just dismissed me as some whack job mom, but i feel confident and so thankful that god gave me the opportunity to love those kids and even more thankful that i was obedient to walk it out.

maybe it is in these eyes...