summer hell

for most of us summer means sun, vacations, relaxation and poolside bbq's. i can barely recall, but i'm pretty sure there was a time in my life where this applied to me.

however, these days summer means something entirely different.   no sun, just fog, no relaxing cuz there is no school, and as for the pool, all that i'll be doing near a pool is listening to my children scream their way through swim lessons. but worst of all, all three of my kids are home all day.
seriously, i can't even begin to comprehend how this is going to look.

i know, i know. i'm being super dramatic. heck, all kinds of crazy moms stay home with their kids all year long-- its called homeschooling, and undoubtedly my own private hell. after having my first kid in school the whole year, i honestly can't imagine life without dropping her off everyday for 4 sweet hours.  props to you mom who stays home all day and loves it.  no joke, i'm seriously considering a part time job just to get away...

in all seriousness though, i really am having some anxiety about having to be home alone with them all day.  i never thought i would say two kids is easy!  any combination of my two  is easy.  its when all three are together that i start to unravel.  i've come to terms with the work part of it all.  one of my life slogans is 'why stand when you can sit, and why sit when you can lay down.'  yet i've come to terms with this.  i never sit.  ever.  and if i do, i'm folding laundry.  and if, for some strange moment, all my kids are occupied and i do sit down, i literally fall asleep within 5 minutes.  and then as soon as i've been asleep for 45 seconds, someone needs their butt wiped, or tali falls off the kitchen table, or lily can't find that one pair of shoes.  and then i'm so mad, cuz i was sleeping and someone woke me up.  and then i'm grumpy cuz i'm tired and want more than anything to just check out.  so the moral of the story is, i never sit down from 7:30-5:30.  that's the only way to ensure i won't rage on my kids, actually there's really no way to ensure that.

yet i digress...  so if it's not the busy part of having three kids, what is so hard?  one word.  fighting.  my older two fight all day long.  and it's a long day.  i've tried everything-- ignoring it, intervening as soon as it gets tense, and every manner of discipline, but nothing works.  the constant tension just makes all of us on edge.  it's some bad juju in this house and it can feel so suffocating.

but if i'm really honest, perhaps the hardest part of all of it is just feeling like i'm failing.  this is my job, and i kind of suck at it.  i am so thankful to be able to stay at home with my kids.  i love that i get to take and pick them up every day from school, that when they are sick, i'm there.  i love not missing anything in their lives.  it is such an honor and privilege to have this calling.  and trust me you know you're failing when you start praying things like, 'lord i pray they won't remember this day, or this hour or this summer...'  i want so bad to be good at what i do and raise happy, healthy, god fearing, loving children.  i don't want people to think gosh she sure complains a lot, why did she have so many kids if all she does is complain....  and then the adoption--- it seems so much more intense then just having four bio kids.  i'm actively choosing and advocating for this child, bringing him into a home that's full of love and a place where he is wanted.  i mean, i really have got to have it together.  the stakes seem so much higher...

so i guess what i'm saying is, thanks for letting me vent.  if you have any ideas besides drinking in the daytime, don't hesitate to enlighten me.  but most of all, please don't judge me, just pray for me this summer.  pray for me when you find yourself  lounging poolside, reading people and drinking a margarita.  i'll be folding laundry... standing up.

yup, this is what i'm up against.