in process part 6

well for starters, no real news to report. we are still waiting. waiting, but quite pateniently i might add. having three kids gives me little time to think about much else. but at least once a day, i'll find myself thinking about him. whether its when i'm folding laundry, or rocking tali to sleep, or praying with the kids before bed, somehow, someway our son comes to mind. when i think about him, i feel a surge of happiness and contentment fully trusting (today at least) that god's will will be done and he will bring him home in his due time.  as far as news from ethiopia, it appears the adoptions are still going strong and the slowdown they predicted a few months back seems to be much better than they thought.  after that news i think i kind of began preparing myself for the what if.  i know as excited as i am, there is still a part of me that wants to hold back a little knowing that the unknown is very much a real thing.  it's funny though, cuz when i try and talk about it with b, he seems unfazed.  every so often he'll just ask me and the kids out of the blue what our et son is doing right now.  oz usually ventures he might be playing on his ipad.  oh the ignorance of privileged american children....

i was going through my adoption journal the other day and came across this entry.  kind of gives you birds eye view into the homestudy portion of our process.

10/13/10-- well we met with our social worker for the first time yesterday. it went really well. i honestly had no idea what to expect. this whole process feels a lot like we are just blindly fumbling our way along. perhaps that's why sometimes i feel defensive about people's reaction. but i can't tell you how encouraging it is to be with people that really understand... and know. people like this woman. she was really great, you could tell that she really LOVES kids and they are always her first priority. she asked us a bunch of questions, one in particular that everyone thinks but only some dare to ask. 

'so, as you know your son will be african, as in he will have black skin. he will look very different than the rest of your family. how do you feel you will be able to handle people's comments and stares?' 

since i was consciously trying not to answer every question and allow b to talk, i tried to defer to him. it was then we i realized in a lot of ways that b grew up in a similar way.   as some of you know, b's brother is developmentally disabled. he was born 3 months premature and has hydrocephalus, mild autism, and mild cerebral palsey. he's a great guy, loves soda, farts, facial hair and music. a real crowd pleaser to say the least.  but it goes without saying that he was very different than most of b's friends siblings.  as i heard b began to explain to this woman how aware he has always been of people staring and off-hand comments, it made me realize in a lot of ways he is more prepared for an african son than i thought.   it also helped me understand why it is that b could seriously care less what people think of him (often to a fault in my opinion). but seriously, as someone who has always cared to much about what people think, it's trippy for me to think about. as he continued to speak about his experience with dustin as a brother, so much became clear.  ever since i've known b, he's never been embarrased or made excuses for his brother. he is able to accept all of him fully.  and that in itself is such a feat.  

i can't tell you how often i feel the need to make excuses for my kids.  for their behaviour, their clothes, their shortcomings.  when i get down to the root of it, its totally pride.  i want my kids to give off the image that they are great, happy well adjusted kids.  kids who eat all their vegetables anything, kids who are polite, kids who have a good attitude and can get over things fast.  but the reality is, they continually fall short of these things.  its been so humbling for me to have kids that are not people pleasers.  they in a lot of ways like their father could care less what people think.  finally, i have  reason to feel thankful for this.  for when their brother does come and they get those snarky comments about his skin color, they can just get their rude on and for once i'll be proud of it.
lily started kindergarten a couple months back. they say time will start to fly by. i can't wait to write those words about our son. 

he will start kindergarten some day, with us. here, in our town, in our home. it will be just as hard to let him go, but again the reminder- they are more god's than ours, and today i am so thankful for that.