in process part 3

i've been in a crazy space trying to get our dossier ready to be sent to ethiopia.  for those of you that don't know what a dossier is, its a big packet of paperwork with stuff like referral letters, medical statements, bank statements, immigration forms, and police clearances.  none of this would be hard to compile since we've done most of it already when we did our homestudy, but this packet is crazy difficult cuz everything needs to be notarized.  big thanks to jessica miller and marc amesse our good friends, that are also notaries that have saved us mucho dinero by helping us out.  in fact there have been so many people along way that have helped us... our close friends, b's parents who have in a big part made this next step financially possible, the staff (sherry) in particular at dr. bravo's office, as well as dr. b himself.  the list goes on, but its crazy to think how supported we've felt.  it far outweighs the douchey sherriff who told me he couldn't help us with our police clearances and that i should really re-think this whole 'adoption' cuz its likely a scam, especially since its from africa.  i've had some downs, but also some big ups.  getting this paperwork and actually doing it right has been strangely empowering for me, and of course also very exciting cuz after our dossier is sent to ethiopia (DTE) we are officially 'queuing'-- as in waiting for our baby boy.  but as i was going through my adoption journal this morning, i found this entry from august.  it was an interesting time to say the least....

8/30/10

we got our homestudy packet the other day. it's kind of massive, but we've been making our way through it. been feeling a little overwhelmed looking at all the 'stuff' we have to do. i know its so worth it, but can feel doubtful when i feel like i don't have enough time. thankfully, we aren't in a great hurry.

yesterday was hard for some reason... prolly cuz the night before i saw on intervention a story about an adopted boy who was crazy addicted to heroin.  i love the show, but it's so hard to watch. thinking about any of my babies (bio or not) being where these kids on the show are at just breaks my heart.

its silly, but i can't help but having those 'what-if?' thoughts. i do it with my bio kids sure, but there seems to be another level of responsibility or something with adoption. like we have to be perfect, never complain about our kids, or never make mistakes to be worthy of being adopted parents. i know its not true, but its hard not to let those thoughts sneak in.  
been super blessed by my yahoo group lately... these words in particular:

'...and the times when he's said he wishes he were in heaven with his Ethiopian mom. You know you truly love your child when you genuinely wish he could have remained with the family he so dearly misses, regardless of the advantages to him, and to you, of his new life in America. It's that stuff we've been talking about recently in this forum, the realization that adoption has its roots in tragedy and loss, not rainbows and butterflies.'

that one line in particular-- the realization that adoption has its roots in tragedy and loss, not rainbows and butterflies.  i think its easy to have these preconceived notions about adoption-- like we're doing them a favor.  but the reality is adoption is not a perfect or right solution.  this mom nailed it as well....

'again, said before, but it irks me when people tell me how lucky my kids are to have found their way to my family, which I know is meant only as compliment. Usually I just say "we're the lucky ones, they are a great blessing" but once in a while I point out to them-- "Would you feel your 3 and 5 yr old children were really lucky if you-- and your husband-- died and you had no relatives to care for them and they had to go live on another continent with a bunch of black people and learn a new language, even if these were wonderful people and had enough money?" (these are white people I'm talking to, as I am) Then they sort of get it, that my kids are not lucky. This is not what any parent wants for their children.'

and that's the cold, hard truth.  we live in a fallen world, a place where some countries have everything at their fingertips, and others where mom's can't even feed their babies, or their bodies are so filled with AIDS that they are literally on their death bed and not able to care for their children.  i know its not fun to think about this, but i honestly think its necessary for me to get through this process.

i feel like the journey thus far has been such a whirlwind of thoughts, emotions, feelings and up's and downs--- and i'm barely in. feeling the pull to understand the harder, darker side of all this... i think i've been in a bit of a unicorn fairy land myself thus far. its not easy for me to access these feelings... i know i have so much more, and its a constant reminder of how much the journey becomes the destination itself.

praying for my baby boy today... he's likely just a newborn.