in process part 2

i was looking back at my writings from the last few months.  it's crazy to think how much has changed even since i wrote this.  for me, this journey has had such a steep learning curve.  it seems like everyday i'm presented with a different situation or comment or appointment.  i wrote this after a weekend up at brandon's parents house.  

July 17, 2010

we went up to b's parents house this last weekend.  it was good to get away and have the time to spend with them. we went up with the intention of telling them that we were officially in the adoption process.  i was anxious about bringing it up, even though they know its something we've talked about, i just wasn't sure how they would react to it actually happening.  when the time finally came, thankfully, they were exceedingly happy and supportive.  yet the day before was what really proved to be the most difficult.  

we were hanging out at b's parents neighbor/friends house.  they have a pool and offered us to come and use it.  they weren't home, but their daughter was visiting.  she was in her early 40's and as b and her got caught up a bit she of course asked if we were going to have more children.  after explaining that we were done birthing children, b told her we were going to adopt.  she was really surprised. she went on to ask where and when, and as we told her she kind of  began to withdraw.  after a few minutes she motioned to lily, oz and t playing and said, 'i don't know why you would want to mess with what you've got?'  
i'll admit i was totally taken back.  i ended up just kind of shirking it off, and expressing that its something we've always wanted to do.

later, i found myself really upset.  i kept recounting the conversation and thinking what i should have said.  looking back i wanted to say, 'oh i'm sorry, i didn't realize my family was wrapped up in a little leave it to beaver aryan bow.'  or maybe something like 'are you kidding me, you don't even know my kids.  they are totally crazy.  my daughter has at least one huge meltdown a day about clothes, my son won't eat anything but cheerios and rations out  smiles, and the verdict isn't even in on tali.  the thing is, the moment all three of my kids were conceived we were already messing with what we got.'  

the truth is, you have no idea what you are going to get, biological children or adopted. 

it's not like we haven't thought about what it will mean to bring in another child from another country.  we are becoming increasingly aware that adoption is not all unicorns and fairy tales.  i know its going to be hard, and i know he could have some serious issues, but that's the risk you take... and for us, its totally worth it.  and today that's all that matters.  

later i emailed all that to lealah and this was what she came back with...brilliant.

email from lea--

'So good to get your email. I felt like you were right here for a minute. I miss you when you're gone, like my little life source is clouded over. I understand what you're saying about the adoption stuff. Its funny how people relate their fears to you as fact. I'm so sorry you had to take that in. Its meant to discourage for sure and what pains me is knowing that people only do it because of their own fears about life. We're realists hollsy and people who just meet you aren't going to see that right away. They wanna make judgements about your life, your family. They don't wanna think that its quite possible you've already weighed the pros and cons of this decision. People want to say something revalatory not to shed light but rather seem righteous and all knowing. The reality is you've already thought about the good bad and ugly of adoption. What more is I think you and I both have come to realize that having children really has nothing to do with us and our happiness, that really, truly its all about them. Adoption is sacrifice and people can't understand why you'd ever wanna sacrifice for someone else that's not your flesh and blood. Why you'd ever compromise your happiness, that you'd temp fate per se. The fact is, god does this with us each and every day. He adopted us in, he chooses to love us, he sacrificed everything for us, for what: for the heartache and pain we bring him every day...doubting his love for us, living in fear, feeling anxious about life, so on and so forth. God knows he chose us, not for what we could bring to him but what he could bring to us. Its really quite beautiful and humbling. So yes, people do people things. What's precious is we have each other. You're my sister through the simple fact that god adopted us both into the same family. Why wouldn't we want to replicate that?!'

leave it lealah to lay it all out.  all my frustrations and feelings about the situation couldn't have been put into words more clearly.  i love that sometimes we really have the same mind.  

since then i have experienced several more situations like the above.  i know i have many more to come.  but in the meantime i really feel like god has given me grace for comments such as those.  i know firsthand what's its like to say something without thinking, i do it almost every day. 


when it comes to adoption, every person has their own opinion or experience.  its not like there's this pat formula that everybody follows.  there is much trial and error and different personalities and pasts.  my intention in writing this wasn't to slam this woman or all the people out there that may have made stupid comments, it was more of time to get across our heart and mind behind adoption.  i know we will be faced with many more situations and challenges, i guess all we can do is pray. pray that god gives us not what we want, but what we need.  its times like these that i find such great comfort knowing that god knew, that the day our son was born that we would be his forever home.  and that ultimately gives me more peace than anyone or anything this world could offer.