wow

let me set the scene...

last sunday night as i'm tucking lily into bed, i decide to lay next to her as i tell her her nighttime story- which always consists of either the story of cinderella or snow white.

me- okay lil, its time to go to bed.
lily- just one more story
me- lil, i already told you three stories, you need to go to sleep
lily- i'm almost three.
me- i know babe- hey would you like to have a princess party for your birthday?
lily- (eyes get real big) yeah!
me- that would be so fun. maybe we could have a princess come
lily- (eyes bursting out of her head)
me- who would you want, snow white, cinderella, maybe ariel or sleeping beauty. what do you think, who would you want to come to your party?
lily- (very contemplative-big decision) ummm
lily- i want the wicked queen.

"...now is your time of grief, but i will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy."
john 16:22

i feel compelled to write something.

when i was in high school i knew that some kids were christians. in my finite teenage mind i guess i thought i knew what that meant. years later when i became a christian myself, i thought back to those high school days and really longed to interface with some of those kids. the last ten years has allowed me to connect with quite a few. most of these interactions have been brief, but silently powerful knowing that the connection we have now is in fact eternal.
one such person is kristen borland. i first ran into her at a mom's group soon after our first kids were born. we would talk briefly, acknowledging our new common thread. after the mom's group ended i ran into her a handful of times, and again our interaction was brief.
about 6 months ago as i was blog stalking, i happened upon her blog. i was surprised to see that she now had two boys and was in the process of adoption. since adoption is something that God has continually placed on brandon and myself heart, i was really interested to hear of her experience. i only had a second, so all i saw was that they were waiting to adopt a little girl from guatemala. i vowed to go back to and read more about the process. it took me a few weeks before i got a chance to follow up. when i finally did,i went back to read the previous posts and was astounded to discover that not only were they adopting a little girl from guatemala, but that they were adopting a little girl with down syndrome. i was floored. the first thing that came to my mind was, "that is the heart of God." we all know how God feels about adoption, and thousands of people adopt, but to adopt a kid with special needs is truly a selfless and significant act that not many are capable of, or dare to undertake.

as i considered the severity and awe of their decision, i started to feel ashamed.

many of you stood along side us in prayer when we were pregnant with oliver. when we were told at our 20 wk ultrasound that we were having a baby boy, we were so excited. only to get a call from the doctor the next week saying that he had bilateral choroid plexus cysts. not knowing anything about cpc's, we were just sick about it- i mean anything with the word cyst causes terror. after doing some research online, i found that cpc's are really nothing to be frightened of, it's the very slight chance that they can be a soft marker for trisomy 18 (edward's sydrome) -which is fatal. anyway, after the triple test (which i highly do not recommend) it came back saying oliver had a 1 in 74 chance of having down syndrome. so here we were with one perfectly healthy little girl and the possibility of a having a special needs son. we found ourselves wrestling with God's will and our ideas of what our family was supposed to look like. granted it was a little different for brandon having grown up with a brother with special needs- his understanding of what could be in store for us was quite sobering and difficult. as we sought God in that time, i remember feeling so up and down- so consumed with fear, and then so content knowing God is sovereign.
fast forward 4 months and here comes ozzie, healthy as a whistle. the intensity and intimacy i felt with God during my pregnancy slowly dissipated as we were thrown into the world of two babies. then i stumble upon this blog and see these people that are actually working hard to acquire something i feared so deeply. reading of their joy filled journey brought back all those feelings- why didn't i have a heart of joy for my son despite the unknown? when the reality is, it was never necessarily about down syndrome for these people. they saw a need and God put it on their heart. i followed through the months - the various updates- the hoops they had to jump through to get her home- the cherished hand made care packages for this little orphan. all to find out yesterday that amanda passed away last night. as the tears rolled down my face i found myself so frustrated with the seeming injustice of it all. here was this little girl that none of us would've known- born without a chance- and all the way across the world was a family that was on their knees every night for her. i thought of the farley family, who lost their little girl, copeland, to trisomy 18 just a few months back. i remember spending days pouring through their blog just weeping, and trying to understand why they would only get to have her in their arms for a mere week. it just seemed to much to bear.

to think that amanda and copeland are in a far better place and most importantly without pain is comforting. i have to remind myself that where they are now is unparalleled to any home they could've had here on earth - and the arms they are in now is our ultimate prize.

furthermore, i do take comfort knowing that the borlands and the farley's got to either hold, or simply just love an angel- an honor many of us will never know.

so in this time, i ask that you join with me in prayer for these two families and the countless others that are left grieving- our hearts go out to you.

in loving memory of amanda...
...a merited crown awaits you

the boss turns 1

to think that one year ago i spent the better part of the day lightly laboring till about 9 pm when things picked up. got to the hospital about 10:30 and 12:46am oliver cain rodgers came forth with much, much pain. we missed the new years baby by a mere 46 minutes. oh well.

i know i spend a lot of time writing about lily, call it the firstborn, call it my baby girl, call it her age, call it just her... whatever the case may be she preoccupies quite a bit of my thought life. sometimes i wonder if that's a good thing.
but tonight as i reflect on a year with my son i feel an upwelling of sheer joy and pride. his little smile, his deep brown eyes, his belly laugh... his little existence is such a breath of fresh air-an experience or emotion i could never have dreamed up. i really cannot imagine life without him. for whatever reason i have so few concerns or fears about his upbringing, i just feel content each day with him. i pray that this "easiness" will transcend into a well-adjusted, laid back little guy. time will tell.
oz really is still such a little guy, and since he cannot communicate in the way that lily can, a lot goes unnoticed, consequently a lot of the intimacy that i have with her i don't have with him. of course that will change dramatically this next year as he continues to come into his own. and i truly, truly look forward to getting to know him in the way i've come to know lily.
brandon once wrote that lily is his joy, oliver his pride and i, the love of his life.
i'm not sure he could've expressed it any clearer. tonight i undoubtedly feel the same.
so, happy birthday little buddy. you truly are the noor of my eye.

jamming

the above video is what i think jamming is.

i guess i'll never understand it. for those of you that know me, you know that i'm not exactly musically inclined. despite the bulk of my friends being lovers of music... you will not find me scanning old vinyl at boo boo's or pre-ordering kanye's new cd, and you def will not hear me singing, let alone playing any sort of musical instrument.

perhaps you could trace it back to my childhood. i'm sure my parents (like all parents) loved to say, "she's so musical!" yeah, like what kid doesn't start moving and smiling when music comes on. despite my general apathy, i do recognize it is a beautiful thing.

it could have began in those early elementary days when i was blacklisted to the triangle. i think once in fourth grade when it was an option to "be in the band," i toyed with idea of picking up the sax, or was it the flute? fast forward to sixth grade- my friends and i (by default) always had the radio tuned to sly 96- for all of the day's hits. everyone would be talking about the new kids, and hammer, sir mix a lot... i even remember when my dad took me to the warehouse to buy my first cd- i thought it was a pretty big deal as he slid across the $15 bucks for the new (perhaps only?) young mc. and of course, the big concerts at the mid-state fair. i was there screaming my head off with the rest of em... boyz to men, montell jordan... (you get the picture)

i also recall a young teenager locked in her room as she listened to her brothers too short cd- and being absolutely terrified, disgusted and enthralled all at the same time.

yet as the high school days passed and my superficial taste for music continued to wane... i saw my friends becoming increasingly interested... they were always talking about the latest songs, and some to my amazement were even in a band! then i entered college, where it was really cool to be into something called "indy" music- i don't even know if that's how you spell it... and you didn't go to concerts anymore... you went to "shows." i think it was around this time, i stopped even trying to pretend to be interested. i found kjug and the dial hasn't changed.

yet i do admit, every once in a while i find myself so intrigued by this music thing.. especially those that play it. the other night i happened to find myself at the clubhouse in los osos... (i really wish i could tell you more about this osos hot spot- but its kind of on the dl..) so anyway, we walk up, forgetting that its a friday night (cause all days are the same when you have kids, and all nights are the same when you live in los osos). we walk up to discover that there is "live music." wow! i guess that's supposed to be a good thing. anyway amidst a firestone (on draft) and some good missionary talk with zurby and lealah, i find myself absolutely captivated by these two guys playing music. i've seen this before many times... it happens when no one is singing and the guys are just playing their instruments- and they are just sooo in the zone-- just jamming i guess. but i guess it's the look on their faces- it's like what they are creating is so powerful and passionate - like they're just going to burst with joy. so in my little finite mind, i'm trying to liken it to something i've experienced- like draining a 3 at the buzzer, or giving birth... or if we're along those lines... sometimes it almost seems like it could be as good as sex.

so all you musicians- could you shed some light on this for me... cause if its anything like those above things... i just might have to pick it up- any openings for the triangle out there?

firstborn

"our deepest fear is that we are inadequate..." and so the saying goes. i can't ever remember the rest, i suppose that there is some sort of redemption at the end, but the beginning is what often resonates for me.

i've touched on this subject before, and somehow i know this won't be the last time. and really, i'm still trying to figure out why i feel so passionate about it.

most days i feel totally inadequate raising a daughter.

perhaps its because i feel like i have big shoes to fill- i can't ever remember a time when i really didn't like or was truly mad at my own mother. and to this day, we have an amazing friendship. so why should it be so hard to facilitate that with my own daughter?

well, it could be a myriad of reasons. lets first examine her. perhaps the thing that frightens me the most is just how different we are. did i mention that she's only 2? i don't remember what i was like at 2, but i can tell you that when i was 8 i was the first girl to play tackle football (pop warner) in this county. i'm lucky if i can get lily to go down a slide by herself. my favorite white dress is faded blue jeans. lily wretches if she cannot wear a skirt every minute... of every day. lily loves anything and everything princess. i think cinderella needs to sack up and tell her stepmom to beat it, it was her house anyway.... those are just a few examples of our distinctions.

i know, she's 2. her behavior and tendencies are perfectly normal for a 2 year old girl. she is not the exception. but i will ask you. how do you respond when your sweet, tender little girl who just adores and worships every little thing about cinderella and consequently despises those mean stepsisters (who by the way, always "make bad choices") tells you when she feels like being beastly, that she wants to be a mean stepsister- because she wants to be mean that badly. or, what do you do, or say, when that same cute little girl is on the floor writhing because she simply cannot leave the house in anything but a skirt and shiny shoes.

is it that i fear our differences will inhibit us from a thriving friendship later in life? or is it that i fear so much that the way i discipline or don't discipline her will impair her overall well being? or maybe its just that she really isn't like me and we won't ever connect in this magical way i imagined we would. if that is the case i do recognize that i need to get over myself. so what if she doesn't turn out like me- as if i've been rationed the winning personality- there's a lengthy list of things i wish was... and when i think of my closest friends- save lealah, none are much like me at all. i would be honored, and so proud if i raised a emily harper, or shelley blackwell, or jenny schlenker- i could go on- but you get the point.

i guess all i really know is that, yes, she is only 2. and some days are a lot harder than others. i just fear becoming that mom... you know- the mom from spanglish, or american beauty...

regardless of who i become, this much i know... lily will break my heart, likely more than once. and i will continue to blow it, but maybe, just maybe, we could have some laughs along the way.

dig it.. cabifi

Here are some pictures from the vacation, some of the first ones you see are just from around the house and the harvest festival that snuck in... you will be able to tell when the cabo ones come up, due to the amount of skin (lily's) showing... not to many naki ones this time!!! she's becoming quite modest in her old age...

well, we had a very successful vacation... it was, perhaps, our best yet.
things we've learned from past vacations:

-the perfect amount of time to vacation with kids - 5 days.
-flying out of SLO is def worth the extra money
-benedryl really does knock em out (we didn't have to use it this time, but we have in the past!)
-toddlers love airplanes
-oz flies great even with an ear infection
-it's worth paying to stay somewhere, rather than trying to save a buck and stay with friends who live in a trailer--- j/k we wouldn't have stayed with them!
-cabo is the perfect distance to fly with kids
-never, ever go to cabo in july, august or september. late october is perfect weather wise
- going on vacation with other people who have kids is a win win


gosh, so much to say about the vacation... we'll start with the highlights...

-the kids flew great
-their colds seem to disappear in mexico- but returned upon arrival...
-the boys and shelley getting really good waves- this is a true highlight, b/c in true rodgers fashion, B never gets good waves on vacation
-having a professional photographer on vacation with us... thanks si!
-going out to eat with 6 adults and 6 kids- you can imagine the chaos
-watching elias fearless in the water- shore pound and all
-seeing max shred at swimming
-forgetting oz was even with us, cause he was so mellow
-lily wanting max and owen around, but never wanting them to touch any of her babies
-Jeramiah and Simon catching a fish by merely using a childrens play bucket
- the kids being in awe of the fish, and lily naming it nemo- how original
-simon, who does not drink, mastering the art of pina colodas for the rest of us to indulge
-shelley making some amazing sashimi with the freshest ahi around
-having my husband around for 5 days straight!
-lily watching cinderella and telling Brandon that she wants to wear a "real pretty dress" and marry him when she gets older
-the kids sleeping really well in the condo- thanks to the black hole bedroom
-the evening swim our last night there
-no montezuma's revenge for anyone
-getting a couple's massage with... shelley???
-getting my bronze on
hmmm, i guess that's all i got for now.
all in all, thanks pollards and especially blackwells for a very memorable and radical vacation!