heavy heart monday

i had exactly 27 minutes to get a run in.

 i was supposed to meet this woman at uptown at 10:30 who had also adopted from ethiopia and used the same agency as me.  i really couldn't be late, despite my desire to run longer than a half hour.
i parked at mitchell park, threw tali in the stroller and headed up pismo st.  i always go up pismo st, because the house my mom and i moved into after my parents divorce is on that street, and running in that neighborhood always brings back fond memories.  i took a left on toro and vacillated for a minute as to whether or not i wanted to go up the secret little path behind scolari's.  i decided yes at the last second and swung the stroller wide right and practically bumped into three super old people shuffling their way down the path.  this is why i never go this way... for some reason there are always people on this obscure little path i thought to myself.  i stopped the stroller and moved out of the way so they could pass and nodded politely to them.  as they sloooowly made their way by, i looked over to the stairs at the back door of the grocery store a few feet up from me and saw 4 kids hanging out.  typical slo high slackers i thought to myself as i picked up my momentum and made my way up the path.  on a whim, i glanced the kids direction one last time.  it took a few seconds for me to register what i saw.  but as the path ended it became clear.  the girl on the stairs was literally cutting a line with her atm card on what appeared to be a history book.
cutting a line.  on the back steps of scolaris at 10 in the morning on a monday.
my heart started pounding.  i stopped the stroller at the end of the path where i was out of sight from them.  i couldn't even process what i was seeing.  its not like i've never been around drugs, but there is something so caustic about snorting drugs.  especially meth, which is likely what it was (and don't even get me started on that demonic drug-- seriously there is nothing romantic or fun about meth- it's literally death.  you are literally snorting death).
 the conversation in my head went a little like this... what do i do?  what do i do? i should call the cops.  yeah, totally.  i'll just call the cops and they'll come deal with these kids and teach them a lesson.  i can't do that.  what am i gonna do, call 911 and say what?  there's kids doing drugs behind scolari's?  i should go talk to them. yeah, i really should.  i can't do that!  what am i going to say?  i'm not a recovered drug addict or motivational speaker...they'll just think who does this crazy mom think she is?  i have to go.  i'm going.  i'm gonna talk to them.  
so i turned my stroller around and started walking back... i uttered a quick, 'lord please give me the words to say, cuz i have no idea what is going to come out of my mouth.'

i walk up and their stuff is put away, and they are just sitting there talking.  when they see me, they shut up immediately.  i notice there are two girls and two boys.  the girl i saw cutting the line is sitting on the steps. there is a brown haired boy sitting behind her, and then a blond boy standing next to her.  the other girl is leaning on the railing.  i notice they are all well dressed, well groomed, attractive kids.

'guys, guys, seriously-- what are you doing?'  i implore as i approach.
they all look down to the ground.  no one will make eye contact with me, and no one says a word.
'listen, i'm not an idiot.  i went to slo high, i cut class and went up to the old junior high and did stupid shit too. but seriously, the stuff you are messing with is not okay.  its really not okay.  on so many levels.  that stuff will really, truly ruin your life. i can promise you that.  i had friends that messed with it, and trust me the road back is long and hard.'
silence from all of them.
'hey!' i say to the girl on the steps.  'hey you, look at me.'  she looks up as i pull back the shade on tali's stroller.  they are literally at eye level.  'look in her eyes.  look in my baby girl's eyes.  you were once this little you know.  you were once this little girl, and you have a mom and a dad who LOVE you.  i mean, really, really LOVE you, and if they knew you were doing this, they would be heartbroken.'
she looks down to the ground, and doesn't say a word.
i press on, 'i want you to look at her. maybe you don't have a mom or a dad at home or whatever, i don't know your situation, but i can promise you wherever they are, there heart would literally break to know this is what you are doing.  it would break their heart, i promise you that.'
she stares at the ground.  its getting intense, when suddenly the tall blond boy next to her looks at me and says with definite attitude, 'okay. okay!'
i turn my attention from the girl to him and look him square in the eyes and say, 'hey, watch the attitude alright! listen, i'm not going to the call the cops.  but seriously, you guys need to stop this.  stop doing this and go back to school.'
with one last look at the girl on the steps i turn the stroller around and start running.  when i'm safely out of eyesight i just start crying.  i start thinking about my kids and its all to much.  i start thinking about those kids, and their parents and i can't stop.

i don't know if those kids will ever think about what i said.  and as hard as it was for me to muster up the courage to talk to them, i have zero regrets. sure i've thought and re-thought all the other things i could have, or should have said, but when it was all said and done, i felt like god had given me the words to get my point across.
that morning in the shower while i was praying for my day, i didn't pray for anything out of the ordinary... patience with the kids, energy to get my stuff done, grace for my husband.  the thing is, we never know when god is going to put something like that in our path.  i can't tell you how many times i wished i would have stepped out in faith when presented with a situation.  you never know what god will use in people's life.  chances are those kids just dismissed me as some whack job mom, but i feel confident and so thankful that god gave me the opportunity to love those kids and even more thankful that i was obedient to walk it out.

maybe it is in these eyes...

in process part 4

thanks for the questions.  just cuz they are all so awesome, b and i are gonna tag team it up.  it's a blogging first-- me and b writing together, should be interesting...

and quick disclaimer-- i am in no way an expert on this process.  there is a lot i don't know.  this has just been my personal experience thus far... we still have a long way to go and much more to learn.  by being transparent in these questions and the process in general, it is my hope that it would de-mystify some of the notions people may have about adoption, and hopefully encourage anyone who is on the fence to take the plunge!    

1.  have you always known you were going to adopt?

(H)- yes and no.  for a long time i didn't think i even wanted to have kids... then i got married and a baby seemed like the next step, but like most girls, i thought wouldn't be able to have kids for no real reason.  it was probably then that adoption first entered my mind.  not having any idea about anything, i was sure it was something i would want to do.  once we got pregnant with lily it fell to the back of my mind.  every so often i'd hear stories, or meet people that had adopted and those desires would be rekindled, but i felt pretty overwhelmed with just trying to figure out the one i had... five years later i had 3 kids, and its really then that the desire to adopt came on the forefront.  in our past discussions about adoption brandon felt strongly about wanting to adopt domestically (more on that later).  when we talked it out and decided international adoption was for us, we felt a real strong pull towads haiti.  i was still pregnant with tali at the time, so we weren't going to do anything soon, but after some preliminary research we were confident it would be haiti when the time came.  a few short months later the earthquake hit, and we quickly realized that haitian adoptions were going to be on hold for awhile.  it was then that we found our way to ethiopia.  i had heard from a few people that the process was the easiest there and the need was great, so we thought, why not?!  

when people ask me why i want to adopt, i sometimes feel super tongue tied, like i need to have some profound answer.  but the reality is i just want to, and god has provided the means to do so, so we are walking forward in faith.

(B)-I don’t really know…I had some reservations for sure. Logically it made good sense: I wanted to have another kid, Holly didn’t really want to get pregnant again, and we had the capacity to love another kid as our own so why not?! Functionally we could provide a good home full of love so it didn’t seem like such a crazy idea…except how was I going to pay for it?! I had some reservations going into it because of some things I had seen on TV about the way adoption (especially interracial adoption) was being portrayed in the media as sort of a popular thing to do—like having an interracial family was trendy, which is total bullshit as is much of the media hype surrounding pop-culture…for whatever reason it’s pretty natural for me to aggressively resist pop-fads (or just fads in general, though I did have a mullet in 7^th grade…) and even the slightest media buzz about something so personal unfortunately had an impact on me (I am ashamed to say); that until I decided I could give a shit about what Brad and Angelina do and if the media wants to titillate the readers of US Weekly with spam about a black child as an accessory then they can poison their own conscience but they can’t have mine.

The Bible commends adoption, I know in my heart it is as right as rain and that is that.

2. why aren't you adopting domestically?

(H)- honestly, i really don't know much about domestic adoption. the things i do know is that it is very pricey for a private infant adoption and they are in high demand. when it comes to 2 and older typically you are able to adopt through the foster system which is not expensive.  since we intend to adopt a child that is between 12-24 months, i honestly don't feel like my strengths would lie in adopting a child that age that has been in and out of foster care in this country.  i also don't feel like our family would be up to taking the risk of having a child come be with us for awhile and then have to leave (which can happen in foster situations).  a lot of people have a lot of opinions about foster care/adoption in this country.  instead of focusing on that, i'll tell you more why we chose ethiopia (ET). ET is one of the least expensive countries to adopt from.  in terms of country relations, our embassy's currently get along great.  the process tends to be quick and easy compared to most other countries, and there is a HUGE need for adoptive parents—as  in 5 million children waiting for care.  this is due primarily to HIV/AIDS, starvation and disease.  the combination of need, ease and cost all made ET the natural choice for us. 

(B)-I can be a little more raw on this one…and when you say to yourself (about me), “how could you?!” I’ll say, “I'm a realist Focker…” My position on this is based purely on supposition and my claims are largely unsubstantiated, however that being said I do not feel they are completely off base. I was initially very bent on adopting domestically—it seemed to me that it didn’t matter, a kid who needs a home is a kid who needs a home, why must it be more complicated than that? Well, stop and consider for a minute the circumstances normally surrounding adoption both domestic and international…in my estimation domestic adoptions do not typically arise from the fact that one or both birth parents may have died from disease or some combination of natural factors medical or otherwise—typically domestic adoptions are from force of necessity; young mom/parents don’t want a child (this seems the cleanest/least damaging), drug abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse, psychological abuse…on and on, but the bottom line revolves around something much more damaging than one might otherwise see as the root cause in international adoption cases. Typically on the international front there could be a combination of medical, environmental, or health factors that may lead to the death of one or both parents and there are no surviving relatives to take on caring for a child, or if there are surviving relatives they do not have the resources to care for another person in their family…the possibilities are endless as to WHY the child is without family, but the root causes seem to stem less from neglect/abuse and more from environmental factors…all of the circumstances surrounding adoption are bad, and each camp carries with it a unique set of issues. Adoptive families are all equipped in different ways to handle what they choose to bear and that is uniquely personal and nobody’s business but their own.

          All that to say, what we have learned about early child development in this process definitely sent some red flags up with regard to domestic adoption in terms of what issues we would no doubt be inviting into our family…and to be completely honest—we didn’t want that…there are people (saints) who do and who God has equipped to offer a loving caring home ready to nurture those challenges into positive change and there are families who know that they are not equipped like that…we’re not equipped like that, our hearts are geared towards something else, not better, not worse, just different.  

3. the biggie... so how much does this cost anyway?

yeah, so it’s kind of pricey all right.  all agencies are different, but you can expect to pay anywhere from $17,000 to $30,000 for an ET adoption.  why the range?  well, different agencies have different fees, and depending on what time of year you travel can have a big impact on how much you spend.  one of the things that drew us to ET initially was that you only had to travel to addis ababa (the capital) one time.  however, about a month after our initial application went in, the embassy changed the requirement from one visit to two, with each visit being between 4-7 days.  even though the price point seems high, thanks to the big man in DC (3 cheers for obama for extending the adoption tax credit for 3 more years) the year you bring your child home you qualify for an adoption tax credit of up to $13,000 and some change.  for us adding on the $$ it would cost for us to birth another baby thanks to our crazy high deductible, we're not to far off from coming out even if we end up on the lower side of the range.

4.  not to get to personal, but how are you paying for this?  are there ways to get help?

(H) - thankfully not all the money is due up front.  our initial application fee of $250 seemed easy enough, but when the next bill came, we really had to figure some stuff out.  after much thought and prayer, we decided to ask b's family for help.  in the meantime, we really wanted to move forward but didn't have the means.  so b had the great idea to borrow from his 401k in the form of loan-- which for those not in the know is a legitimate option that does not carry the tax consequences as a withdrawl, it is basically a 5 year loan available for up to 50% of your holdings—now i'm sure some of you may think this a bad idea, but for us it was the perfect solution.  once that money ran out, b's parents gave us a very generous christmas present which took us through the next few hurdles.  and though the majority of that money has been spent, we are pretty sure that we don't have any more big fees until we actually travel which could be as long as 18 months from now.  it's been such a huge confirmation from god that we are heading in the right direction, for with each  seemingly financial roadblock god has provided us with the means to keep moving forward.  we are confident that he will continue to provide as we get closer to traveling.

there are many grants and loans available to prospective adoptive parents.  i looked into them briefly and have  an extensive list if you are interested.  from what i gathered in my brief research is that all of them work differently but ultimately they can each provide you with small increments along the way.  in terms of getting one big adoption loan beforehand??? i'm not aware of any such thing, but that doesn't mean its not out there!

4. what agency are you using and how did you choose them?

(H)- our agency is called AAI (adoption advocates international).  they are based out of washington state and have programs in ethiopia, china, ghana and thailand as well as washington state.  once we decided on the country, we began looking for agencies that had programs in ethiopia.  i joined an adopt ethiopia yahoo group and just kind of lurked around for awhile.  there are a lot of loud voices on there, but i tried to pay attention to the agencies that got talked about the most in the most favorable light.  after a few weeks i had narrowed it down to 3 agencies i wanted to look into further.  my next step was to contact the one person locally that i knew that had adopted from ET and ask her what agency she used.  fortunately for me, the agency she used was one of my top 3.  after hearing about her experience and what amazing things she had to say about AAI, it was a no brainer.

a bit about AAI... they are a small agency.  they typically only work with two orphanages in ET.  the directors are easy to talk to, and very accessible.  everyone in the office i've spoken with has been incredibly friendly and helpful.  the general feeling i get from those who have gone through the process with them is very positive (once i became in process with AAI, i got on their specific yahoo group.  the support and information i've received from it has been invaluable).  even though we are not adopting an HIV+ baby, one thing i will say is that AAI is kind of the front runner in getting these kids adopted.  last year they placed more HIV+ kids than any other agency.... pretty awesome to say the least.

5. how many times will you have to go to ethiopia?

twice.

6. what age and gender are you requesting?

(H)- while some people find it strange that you can request what gender you want, for us it was a non-issue.  we have 3 kids, 2 of them are girls, one is a boy.  it seemed like the  natural choice to add another boy to the family.  if i didn't have any children, there is good chance i would just be open to whatever came up, but for us, since we were given a choice we felt like giving the kids a brother would be the best fit for us.  (side note, if we were to leave our decision gender neutral, chances are very high we would receive a boy anyhow. there tends to be a greater demand for infant girls).

as i've mentioned before, b and i are not huge newborn people.  we like a good 12 months under their belt, so again, if given the option, why not do what seems like would work best for us.  so to sum it up, we are anxiously awaiting a referral for a 12-18 month old baby boy!

7. what does the general process look like and how long will it be before you bring your son home?

(H) - well, once you decide international or domestic and then you pick an agency, you basically contact that agency and ask for an initial application.  after the application and some dollar bills you have begun!  all agencies are different, but for us after our application was done we got loads more paperwork asking you everything you could think of.  then we began our homestudy.  since our agency is in washington state, we needed to have an approved agency in our state of california.  the one we chose was called across the world adoptions.  they are located in pleasanton.  they sub-contract social workers in our area to come and conduct the homestudy.  our homestudy was incredibly easy.  we met 3 times with our social worker who was very kind and helpful.  she then prepared a report-- 12 pages about EVERYTHING you could ever want to know about me and b and the kids.  after this was completed, we began even more paperwork to compile our dossier.  a dossier is basically a huge packet of notarized papers (including your homestudy, bank statements, more letters of reference, and other various random information) that gets completed stateside and then translated and presented to ET.  once you are DTE (dossier to ethiopia) status you are officially queuing for your child.  again, all agencies are different, but we will likely wait about a year or so before we will receive our referral.  your referral is basically a picture of your child with some basic background information.  you can accept or reject (but who's really going to reject right?!)  and then you began arranging your travel plans.  the first time you go to ET you keep your fingers crossed that you pass court, if so, you come back home and wait for another date (2-6 weeks) where you will ultimately travel to ET to bring your child home.

as for us, we finished our dossier up in january.  however, 2 days before we mailed the completed dossier to our agency, the ET embassy decided an additional form needed to be included.  this form is a government form that we had begun, but hadn't yet received.  sooo, we are delayed until we receive this last form, which should be any day now!  once we get that form, we send it up to our agency to add to our completed dossier, which gets translated and then sent on over.  

8. shouldn't they make it easier to get these kids a home?  why is it so much work and so expensive?

(H) no, they shouldn't make it easier.  though the process can be overwhelming and slow and seemingly unnecessarily bureaucratic, there are good reasons for it.  first of all, it’s to weed out anyone who's intention is for evil.  i know it sounds crazy, but there are some crazy mofo's out there who will stop at nothing.  this process is intensely personal and invasive, but so necessary.  another reason is that child trafficking is a huge problem right now.  you've all seen the dateline specials and heard of the scams... they are very real.  always be wary of agencies that make fast and easy promises, there is a reason the process can be long and frustrating-- typically its because they are doing everything right.   just a couple weeks ago a stateside 'christian' adoption agency was shut down.  it is important for all involved in the process to maintain a high level of ethics and integrity. so when i began to feel frustrated about additional forms or paperwork or delays, i try to recognize how necessary this is for everyone... especially the kids.

(B) If you can’t handle the pain in arse that is compiling your dossier then you have no business adopting, plain and simple…in fact that is very likely going to be the easy part. The reality of a child born in less than optimal circumstances is something most of us cannot fathom…it has a profound effect on EVERYTHING about that child and the six to eight months spent doing paperwork will pale in comparison to the ongoing night and day effort that will be required of you to create healthy and lasting attachment with your child.   

   

friday night musings...

there are times when it feels like so much work.

most days really.

i was reminded of how not much work it is on recent trip to disneyland.  it was reminiscent of a long weekend we had in san diego before tali was born.  its that point when your older kid(s) -- i'd say 3.5 and older-  when they can use the bathroom by them self, or when they can feed them self without covering their hair in yogurt and peanut butter or when they can play and entertain them self for longer than 10 mins.  or better yet when they are totally capable of watching tv for 4 hours straight (not that this ever happens at my house).
its when you finally, finally get a break. you know they aren't gonna wake up in the night, and you actually kind of know what to expect each day.  it's a great time in child rearing.
then you have another one and you're like, i can do this, i've done it before right?!  but its that second or third or fourth that's the game changer.

tali is my game changer.

and though most days i long for the hours of solitude my 4 and 5.5 yr old would bring, there are more times when i'm reminded why i couldn't live without her.  like when i see her running cars with oz, or when i see her crazy hair pop out of the crib each morning-- it's moments like that i know that every lost minute to myself is worth it.  she's worth it.
when dr. bravo asked me last week at her well baby check up if i had any questions or concerns, i looked at tali with dopey eyes and asked, 'yeah, actually i do.  is there anyway i could clone her?'  he laughed politely, but the reality is there has never been a second when i've regretted her.  through all the work and lost reading, tv, blogging, and napping, she's been worth it.
cuz even when the days seem so long, there are nights that seem so right.  when i see lily pushing tali in the doll stroller, or when tali and oz wrestle all crazy, or when i see all three of my kids dance and sing their hearts out to jb's baby, or when my son out of nowhere as i put his jammies on says, 'jesus, please help my boo boo not hurt when i get in the bath'- its those times when i feel like i could be like my aunt merilyn and have 13 kids.
it's nights like tonight that i can, and can't wait for my baby boy. i can wait to capitalize on those free moments of reading and resting and just being, but even more i can't wait to breathe in the sweet smell of morning on him, or see his smile as he gets pushed in a swing for the first time.

kids change you forever, for good.  as my dad told me yesterday, the 30's are the best.  your at the top of your game.  you've got your career (brandon), you've got young kids who adore you, and you've got a super hot wife (okay, so maybe i improv for brandon) but in any event, tonight my heart is filled with joy and excitement.  in the words of a dear friend,... the best is yet to come.

general maintenance

i just wanted to take a second to run a few things by you guys.

first, i've been realizing how few pictures and videos i've been putting on the blog lately.  part of that is because ever since our camera fell in the toilet when lily was taking a picture of ozzy's poop, it just hasn't been the same.  the pictures it takes are blurry and generally crap.  and any other pictures i take are on my phone which are also kinda crap too because there is no flash.  the combination of the above, and just the basic logistics of having a camera with you when you have 3 kids have all made for me sucking at capturing my life.  so with that said, it is my goal to get more pictures on this blog!  this is my life journal these days, and frankly i too get tired of just my words.

which leads me to my second point....  i know a lot of bloggers who don't allow anonymous comments.  mostly due to people hiding behind anonymity to be mean.  thankfully i've had very little of that in my blog. in fact i kind of like the drama of anonymous comments... everyone trying to figure out who they are and so on.  but as they have been coming more frequently, i would just ask that if you feel like you want to be mean,  please send me your frustrations privately.  let me reiterate -- i haven't been offended by any of the recent anonymous comments, but i just get a little worried that it might be heading that way the more 'controversial' i get.  and lord knows i don't want to have to tone anything down for fear i might offend someone!  that's what blogs are for right?!

lastly, it's been really cool for me to be able to share our heart for adoption with all of you.  the response has been tremendous.  it's been especially neat to get personal emails or messages from you wanting to know more.  in the midst of all my rants and raves and general rumblings in my head, it has occurred to me that i haven't really taken the time to address some of the more basic questions about adoption.  people have sent me emails asking me lots of different things, and as you can imagine it can be sort of time consuming to answer all the questions, so on b's suggestion i want to have a special FAQ adoption post.

so, here's where you come in.  if you have a question or two about adoption you would like to have the answer to, i'd love to be able to use a blog post to share our answer/experience.  some of the more common questions i plan to address are,

'what agency are you using and why?'  

'why are you adopting internationally and not domestically?'

'how many times will you have to go to ethiopia?'

'what age/gender are you adopting and why?'

those are just some off the top of my head.  if you have any others, i'd love to be able to answer them.  so feel free to post a comment, or send me an email with a question and i'll try and get these answers up in the next week or so.  

in the meantime i'll leave you with some pictures of my babies.

mud pies

there's this quote i read by C.S. Lewis a long time ago. every time i see it written i'm amazed how it still impacts me the way it did the first time i read it. it goes like this:

"We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”

i've been super privileged to have some pretty incredible 'God' conversations these past few months.

one particular evening, my friend asked me if i ever had any doubts. i was surprised at how quickly and with what confidence i said no. we went on to discuss more about what it meant to believe in jesus as the only lord and savior. later that night though, as i was recounting the conversation i remembered how difficult it was for me to accept christianity as the only truth.

growing up, and in high school in particular, i knew of quite a few christians, and i was happy to leave it at that. i had zero interest in what they believed and definitely was not interested in ascribing to their seemingly boring way of life. sure they were nice people, but not something i would ever pursue.

i was different (or so i wanted to believe). i wanted to explore buddhism, and deepak chopra, and a course in miraceles and whatever hot new book oprah decided would change my life. these were the things that would challenge me intellecutaly and light a fire in my soul. i would be enlightened and therefore changed.  but as my second year of college came to a close i realized that nothing had changed.  i still struggled with the same insecurities as always, and wrestled with the same fears that had plagued me for years.  i couldn't help but think there must be more to life than what i was experiencing.

that summer i got a job at uptown espresso.  it was there i met lealah.  as the summer went on, i spent more and more time with her.  we had a lot in common, tattoos, ciggerettes, indie bands, jesus-- clearly we had nothing in common (we still always joke at what an odd couple we are), but somewhow a friendship was forged and it was simply just seeing her life in contrast to mine that made me want to know more about jesus. it wasn't one conversation, or her pressuring me, it was simply me seeing that she just may have that something i had been looking for.  turns out i was right.  

as i threw myself headfirst into christianity, i still had my doubts. it was hard for me to shake those preconvieced notions. i read apologetic books like the case for christ, to help me with the intellectual part of it, and read the bible to get the heart part of it.  it wasn't long before i too was sold out for jesus.  in the cheesiest way possible:)

it was easy to fall in love with jesus back then.  time was on my side.  since i quit partying and sleeping with my boyfriend, i found i had a lot more free time on my hands.  i would spend hours at linnea's reading my bible and just marveling at the word of god.  how could i have ever thought this was boring or irrelevant?  it felt like every single word on those pages was searing my heart in a way i had never known.  i went to bible studies, church events, campus crusade -- you name it, i was there.  i really couldn't get enough of god.  

fast forward a few years and a baby is born.  my daily time with god is drastically cut short.  a year and half later another baby is born and i start writing blogs titled, god who?  clearly my focus had shifted.  i'm suddenly caught up in the world of homemeade baby foods, best teething medicine and what stroller to buy.
when i do actually have those precious few moments all by myself, catching a few winks, or reading a magazine sounds way more appealing than breaking out the good book. with this decrease in god time, comes a decline in a god mindset.  i find myself looking forward to vacations, new cars, home improvement projects, new clothes.  none of these are bad things, but i start to realize the more focus they have in my life, the less satisfied i am.  nothing really feels like enough.  i have become far to easily pleased.

these days, i still don't struggle with doubt- in the sense whether or not what what i believe is true, i struggle more with how to live out the best life god has for me.   like the good father he is, i know god is still there... i'm reminded every sunday when my heart melts in worship and the tears begin to flow.  i'm reminded then and there that true happiness and joy doesn't come in the temporal form, it can only be found in the eternal. i know my walk with christ will continue to change, and i'm hopeful that the best years are yet to come.

in process part 3

i've been in a crazy space trying to get our dossier ready to be sent to ethiopia.  for those of you that don't know what a dossier is, its a big packet of paperwork with stuff like referral letters, medical statements, bank statements, immigration forms, and police clearances.  none of this would be hard to compile since we've done most of it already when we did our homestudy, but this packet is crazy difficult cuz everything needs to be notarized.  big thanks to jessica miller and marc amesse our good friends, that are also notaries that have saved us mucho dinero by helping us out.  in fact there have been so many people along way that have helped us... our close friends, b's parents who have in a big part made this next step financially possible, the staff (sherry) in particular at dr. bravo's office, as well as dr. b himself.  the list goes on, but its crazy to think how supported we've felt.  it far outweighs the douchey sherriff who told me he couldn't help us with our police clearances and that i should really re-think this whole 'adoption' cuz its likely a scam, especially since its from africa.  i've had some downs, but also some big ups.  getting this paperwork and actually doing it right has been strangely empowering for me, and of course also very exciting cuz after our dossier is sent to ethiopia (DTE) we are officially 'queuing'-- as in waiting for our baby boy.  but as i was going through my adoption journal this morning, i found this entry from august.  it was an interesting time to say the least....

8/30/10

we got our homestudy packet the other day. it's kind of massive, but we've been making our way through it. been feeling a little overwhelmed looking at all the 'stuff' we have to do. i know its so worth it, but can feel doubtful when i feel like i don't have enough time. thankfully, we aren't in a great hurry.

yesterday was hard for some reason... prolly cuz the night before i saw on intervention a story about an adopted boy who was crazy addicted to heroin.  i love the show, but it's so hard to watch. thinking about any of my babies (bio or not) being where these kids on the show are at just breaks my heart.

its silly, but i can't help but having those 'what-if?' thoughts. i do it with my bio kids sure, but there seems to be another level of responsibility or something with adoption. like we have to be perfect, never complain about our kids, or never make mistakes to be worthy of being adopted parents. i know its not true, but its hard not to let those thoughts sneak in.  
been super blessed by my yahoo group lately... these words in particular:

'...and the times when he's said he wishes he were in heaven with his Ethiopian mom. You know you truly love your child when you genuinely wish he could have remained with the family he so dearly misses, regardless of the advantages to him, and to you, of his new life in America. It's that stuff we've been talking about recently in this forum, the realization that adoption has its roots in tragedy and loss, not rainbows and butterflies.'

that one line in particular-- the realization that adoption has its roots in tragedy and loss, not rainbows and butterflies.  i think its easy to have these preconceived notions about adoption-- like we're doing them a favor.  but the reality is adoption is not a perfect or right solution.  this mom nailed it as well....

'again, said before, but it irks me when people tell me how lucky my kids are to have found their way to my family, which I know is meant only as compliment. Usually I just say "we're the lucky ones, they are a great blessing" but once in a while I point out to them-- "Would you feel your 3 and 5 yr old children were really lucky if you-- and your husband-- died and you had no relatives to care for them and they had to go live on another continent with a bunch of black people and learn a new language, even if these were wonderful people and had enough money?" (these are white people I'm talking to, as I am) Then they sort of get it, that my kids are not lucky. This is not what any parent wants for their children.'

and that's the cold, hard truth.  we live in a fallen world, a place where some countries have everything at their fingertips, and others where mom's can't even feed their babies, or their bodies are so filled with AIDS that they are literally on their death bed and not able to care for their children.  i know its not fun to think about this, but i honestly think its necessary for me to get through this process.

i feel like the journey thus far has been such a whirlwind of thoughts, emotions, feelings and up's and downs--- and i'm barely in. feeling the pull to understand the harder, darker side of all this... i think i've been in a bit of a unicorn fairy land myself thus far. its not easy for me to access these feelings... i know i have so much more, and its a constant reminder of how much the journey becomes the destination itself.

praying for my baby boy today... he's likely just a newborn.

parent-hole

i've been thinking a lot about parenting lately.

not that this is a new thing... after all, i am a stay at home mom, thus leaving me with the kids all day, every long day.  i guess i'm just realizing that the deal with parenting is that every day you are learning, and trying and failing...

for most of us our ideas or strategies about how we 'raise' our children come from three primary places.  first and foremost, our own upbringing.  as much as we like to think we aren't going to be like our parents, the reality is-- we are. and the older we get, the more and more we become just like them.  our second major influence is our friends.  the people that we choose to raise our kids with has a huge impact on how we parent.  these are the women and men that we spend most of our time with.  our kids learn, and teach good and bad behaviors to their kids and we learn from each other how to handle it. the third major influence for some of us is our faith.  we look to our churches and synagogues and mosques (i know, i'm so pc) and try to glean on what our elders deem as valuable in raising children.  this can come through small groups, mentoring, books, etc.

i guess i just thought my kids would all come out just like me.  in my mind that seems like it would be easiest thing ever (though i've heard this is not always the case).  but since my kids seem to be nothing like me, i just feel like it would be awesome.  thankfully for me, i grew up with an amazing mom. anyone who knows me knows just how close and how influential my mom is on me.  she is my best friend and helps me daily navigate this maze called parenthood.  she has always tended to be on the touchy feely side of parenting. she's big on talking through disobedience, never one for spanking (yeah i said it) or even time-outs.  in her world, every behavior or mis-behavior is just the result of an un-met need. if the said need can be met, than all is solved.  my kids respond very well to her in all areas.  they rarely act out with her and if they do, it's quickly solved. however, the rest of the world doesn't share these same tactics.  so when they are around other adults, family or not, and they get repremended, they do not respond well.

at home, we tend to be much more strict than my mom.  we have little tolerance for disobedience.  i've heard it said that if your firstborn turns out okay, the rest of your children will be good. if that's the case, we are in deep doodoo.  for real.  she's only five, but i'm just sayin, it's really like she's 13 year old twin girls jammed into one teensy tiny pair of booty shorts.  she is firery. in a good way yes, but also in the not so good way. from the get go, i've felt like we've had to ride her pretty hard, and the older she gets, the more i'm wondering if we're on the right track.

i've read all the books (not really, but at least a few pages of most).  pre-kids we read some super gnarly fundamentalist crap about ZERO tolerance for anything.  thankfully we sobered up enough once the babies were born not to follow it.  but i did read me some babywise (pretty hard core).  then lightened up into some dr. leman, and then a little magic, and even messed around with this guy.  all of them seemed great while i read them, but none of them ever stuck or made the impact i was hoping for.

and then one day we decided we were going to adopt.  part of our adoptive parent requirements were to complete 10 hours of 'education.'  i figured we were going to learn about some basic aspects of adopting, some cultural stuff and maybe some parenting advice.  however, what we got was a pretty awesome introductory course in early childhood development. both b and i were blown away by all we were doing wrong all this great information.  interestingly enough these women that that were teaching these seminars tend to be on the uber touchy feely side of parenting.  a lot of it was specific to adopted kids, but the science behind why they parent the way they do is pretty solid.

through all of this,  i'm finding i feel really torn by where the line is drawn between trying to understand and reason with my kids and just plain enabling them.  i feel like with my oldest when i compromise or give in, i'm just turning her into a brat.  or by not disciplining oz for yelling or hitting, i'm teaching him that its okay. i'm conflicted cuz on the one hand, the new method of parenting would handle it by trying to ask why and what happened, whereas another one would be immediate time out or spanking.  its so hard to navigate these decisions so quickly in the day to day. i've learned the best way to parent is consistency.  but what happens when you aren't sure what kind of parenting you are doing?

i guess the one thing i know for sure and have learned, is that you need to choose your battles.  i've had friends and family think we're crazy for letting lily change her clothes so much or throw the house in an uproar over a certain outfit or pair of shoes.  but in the same breath i've passed that same judgement on friends that allow their kids to play hours of video games.  but i know that for our house, clothes are a deal breaker.  if we can't get wardrobe under control, the rest of the day is a challenge.

i know this is a passionate subject for a lot of people.  i also know that some things work for some kids and others don't.  with parenting there is no straight and narrow path.  there are many digressions.  i guess the hardest thing about it is that we are all trying so hard.  we all want so badly to raise happy healthy confident wonderful kids.  and just when you think maybe you just might be doing something right, your 5 year old has a massive  fit about not being able to find/wear high heels, or your almost 4 year old tries to hit the nurse as she gives him the flu mist (not the shot, the mist).

but then just when you think all is lost, you overhear your daughter in the sweetest, most tender voice talking your son through why it will be okay and not to scary to get kindergarten shots one day, or you look over and see your 4 year old son wrestling with your baby and her just cracking up at how fun he is.  its moments like those that you think that maybe all those prayers just might have been heard.

so as we continue along the journey for our new son, i'm trying my best not to get so wrapped up in the right and wrong way to parent.  i'm trying to really seek God and trust that he will help us navigate it all.  today, more than anything i'm just so thankful for all the support we have.  from all our amazing friends and even amazinger family.  i'm thankful that i have a husband who's in it to win it, and a God who loves my kids even more than i do.  cuz these days, it truly does take a village.