happy

last friday night we loaded up lil and oz and headed downtown to the SLO christmas parade.  we found our seats on the curb and cuddled up as the floats began.  it was a parade like any other until this one float came up. i don't even know what it was for, maybe boy scouts or something.  all i know is that there were lots of little 6-9 year old boys on bike's.  it was un-remarkable until, peddling up, came a boy on one of those recumbent bikes.  he was riding right along the edge getting high fives from all the kids sitting on the curb.  he was pretty stoked cruising through town high fivin' it up.  i smiled as i watched and as he rode by i looked up and a few feet behind him was his mom who had this look of sheer joy on her face.  if you could bundle up a heart bursting with pride and joy and satisfaction, it was being displayed on her face.  this would have been something i probably wouldn't even have noticed if i hadn't first recognized the boy.  i've seen him around parks, the elks, the kids museum- all the places i often frequent.  i don't know what his physical disability is, but something about his legs is severely compromised.  just to walk looks like a struggle. so for him to be able to ride a bike just might be a small miracle.  the irony is that every time i see this boy like i did that night, he is always smiling and running and laughing- even if it is a struggle.

but tonight was different.  tonight he was like every other boy he was riding around with.  tonight his mom saw him with his friends and amongst the people and no one was staring, or laughing or wondering what was wrong with him. tonight he was 'normal.'  i've heard it said that when you have a child with disabilities whether it be mental or physical, it will always be harder for the parent then the child.  as parents we have this crazy overwhelming desire to see our kids thriving, succeeding, healthy and most of all, happy.

that night i also was sitting with a few couples who had just had their first child.  they were taking pictures, and smiling, attentive to every need or want their baby had.  it made me remember those days. i guess in a way i'm still in them with tali, but there is nothing like your firstborn.  with the first, you see everything.  you watch, you study, you just marvel.  i don't think any of us had the foresight to know how crazy in love we would be.

reading this the other day helped me put it all into words, 'their hearts were wrung with anguish, the anguish of having children, a vulnerability as astonishing as the capacity for love that parenthood brings, in a cuff link set all it's own...'

i never knew how vulnerable having children would make me.  i also never knew how my desire for them to be happy would supersede everything.  what i've been realizing is that when i think about my kids being happy, i have these preconceived notions about what it should look like.  naturally the first thing would be good health, that they would also be smart, attractive, find a career, love and one day a family.  ideally they would experience as little hurt and pain and injustice as possible.
but when i stop and think about my own life and think about what has brought me the most joy and happiness, the one thing that has shaped my life more than my parents or life experiences, i recognize it wasn't any sort of choice i made or path i took.  it was the day i realized i was made for so much more.  the day that i took that leap of faith setting in motion a chain of events that singlehandedly gave me EVERYTHING i treasure and hold dear to today.  it was the day i came to know jesus.

i see him when i look into my babies eyes. i experience his mercy when i feel the touch of my husband. and when i take the time to see the face looking back at me in the mirror i am reminded that its truly by grace alone that i have been granted the greatest joy and peace and happiness i could ever want.  how could i not want that same thing for my children?

so god please forgive me for seeking temporal worldly things for my kids.  forgive me for esteeming my ideas of happiness over your salvation.  remind me that when i lay my head down to pray at night that i would merely pray for you to grant them the grace that you have, and continue to afford me.

selah.

in process part 2

i was looking back at my writings from the last few months.  it's crazy to think how much has changed even since i wrote this.  for me, this journey has had such a steep learning curve.  it seems like everyday i'm presented with a different situation or comment or appointment.  i wrote this after a weekend up at brandon's parents house.  

July 17, 2010

we went up to b's parents house this last weekend.  it was good to get away and have the time to spend with them. we went up with the intention of telling them that we were officially in the adoption process.  i was anxious about bringing it up, even though they know its something we've talked about, i just wasn't sure how they would react to it actually happening.  when the time finally came, thankfully, they were exceedingly happy and supportive.  yet the day before was what really proved to be the most difficult.  

we were hanging out at b's parents neighbor/friends house.  they have a pool and offered us to come and use it.  they weren't home, but their daughter was visiting.  she was in her early 40's and as b and her got caught up a bit she of course asked if we were going to have more children.  after explaining that we were done birthing children, b told her we were going to adopt.  she was really surprised. she went on to ask where and when, and as we told her she kind of  began to withdraw.  after a few minutes she motioned to lily, oz and t playing and said, 'i don't know why you would want to mess with what you've got?'  
i'll admit i was totally taken back.  i ended up just kind of shirking it off, and expressing that its something we've always wanted to do.

later, i found myself really upset.  i kept recounting the conversation and thinking what i should have said.  looking back i wanted to say, 'oh i'm sorry, i didn't realize my family was wrapped up in a little leave it to beaver aryan bow.'  or maybe something like 'are you kidding me, you don't even know my kids.  they are totally crazy.  my daughter has at least one huge meltdown a day about clothes, my son won't eat anything but cheerios and rations out  smiles, and the verdict isn't even in on tali.  the thing is, the moment all three of my kids were conceived we were already messing with what we got.'  

the truth is, you have no idea what you are going to get, biological children or adopted. 

it's not like we haven't thought about what it will mean to bring in another child from another country.  we are becoming increasingly aware that adoption is not all unicorns and fairy tales.  i know its going to be hard, and i know he could have some serious issues, but that's the risk you take... and for us, its totally worth it.  and today that's all that matters.  

later i emailed all that to lealah and this was what she came back with...brilliant.

email from lea--

'So good to get your email. I felt like you were right here for a minute. I miss you when you're gone, like my little life source is clouded over. I understand what you're saying about the adoption stuff. Its funny how people relate their fears to you as fact. I'm so sorry you had to take that in. Its meant to discourage for sure and what pains me is knowing that people only do it because of their own fears about life. We're realists hollsy and people who just meet you aren't going to see that right away. They wanna make judgements about your life, your family. They don't wanna think that its quite possible you've already weighed the pros and cons of this decision. People want to say something revalatory not to shed light but rather seem righteous and all knowing. The reality is you've already thought about the good bad and ugly of adoption. What more is I think you and I both have come to realize that having children really has nothing to do with us and our happiness, that really, truly its all about them. Adoption is sacrifice and people can't understand why you'd ever wanna sacrifice for someone else that's not your flesh and blood. Why you'd ever compromise your happiness, that you'd temp fate per se. The fact is, god does this with us each and every day. He adopted us in, he chooses to love us, he sacrificed everything for us, for what: for the heartache and pain we bring him every day...doubting his love for us, living in fear, feeling anxious about life, so on and so forth. God knows he chose us, not for what we could bring to him but what he could bring to us. Its really quite beautiful and humbling. So yes, people do people things. What's precious is we have each other. You're my sister through the simple fact that god adopted us both into the same family. Why wouldn't we want to replicate that?!'

leave it lealah to lay it all out.  all my frustrations and feelings about the situation couldn't have been put into words more clearly.  i love that sometimes we really have the same mind.  

since then i have experienced several more situations like the above.  i know i have many more to come.  but in the meantime i really feel like god has given me grace for comments such as those.  i know firsthand what's its like to say something without thinking, i do it almost every day. 


when it comes to adoption, every person has their own opinion or experience.  its not like there's this pat formula that everybody follows.  there is much trial and error and different personalities and pasts.  my intention in writing this wasn't to slam this woman or all the people out there that may have made stupid comments, it was more of time to get across our heart and mind behind adoption.  i know we will be faced with many more situations and challenges, i guess all we can do is pray. pray that god gives us not what we want, but what we need.  its times like these that i find such great comfort knowing that god knew, that the day our son was born that we would be his forever home.  and that ultimately gives me more peace than anyone or anything this world could offer.  

goodbye girls

i was quite a bit older than my friends when you finally made your entrance.  i had been waiting, and waiting.

and

waiting.

like all middle school girls, i quickly realized popularity came from one tangible place.

the ta-ta's.

then one day you broke through like a seed bursting into a beautiful sunflower.  well maybe not so much a sunflower as a miniature rose.  in any event i kept waiting for you to make that significant spurt, but much like samantha baker on her 16th birthday,  i realized this was going to be one area god would not be generous with me with.

i won't lie and say it wasn't painful. getting messages written on calculators reading 55378008 (yes upside on a calculator its spells boobless- this was our version of texting) or overhearing, 'she's cute, but she's totally flat.'

flat...

the dreaded word of a high school girl.

and then one day i grew up, and realized guys aren't only interested in boobs.  (actually they are. in fact its ALL they are interested in, but if you are a young reader, i at least did my due diligence).

i got married, got pregnant (yes in that order) and one day i woke up, looked down and thought, 'so this is what all the fuss was about!'

yes, you were huge, beautiful, ginormous, buoyant and....

milky.

that's right.

leaking.  milk.  already.


and there wasn't even a baby.

though this was just the beginning of looks can be deceiving, it sure was enough to make any girl wonder what it would be like...

once the baby came, you began to change even more!  it was miraculous.  truly.  i came home from the hospital and within three days, i seriously was rivaling pam (minus the blond hair and botox).  when b caught sight of you, he practically passed out, but as he went in for a feel, he realized once again... you were not made for him.  hard as rocks and once again... the dreaded leak.

but then you regulated yourself, and we settled into a nice, confident size.  more than proportionate- generous even, and really just lovely.  hearing words like 'rack' instead of 'flat' or 'bijoingas' instead of 'flapjacks' was like music to my ears. you truly were a sight.

and so as our journey comes to a close, i just want to say--we had a good run thelma and louise, you ebbed and flowed so beautifully these last five years of pregnancy and nursing.  you fed my babies and loved my husband in a way he never thought he'd know.  you gave me a glimpse into a life i never thought i'd know...

and so now my little jahoobies, its time to say good bye.  as tali takes her final sips, we bid you farewell.  we've had an amazing run.  and though my badoinkies will once again deflate, i'll remember these years as the best of my life.

au revoir, girls... au revoir.

orphan sunday

sometimes i'm convinced that b and i became missionaries just by watching a video.  

even though one would hope this isn't entirely true, there is no doubt that there is great power in those little 5-8 minute videos set to music.  the images, the words, the music, all have an almost intoxicating effect on me.  and though i would never wish that anyone would make an emotional decision based on a movie, i do want to acknowledge their power.  

the reason i'm posting this video isn't to make you feel guilty or weepy, its to make you aware.  aware that the statistics are staggering.  aware that there is a real, concrete need, and i feel, responsibility.  a responsibility for people everywhere to know what is going on outside our white picket fences.  

this next sunday is orphan sunday.  as anna reminded me yesterday in her blog 'children don't get to choose the life they are born into.'  i know adoption isn't for everyone, there are times when i doubt whether or not its for me. but i do know this-- at the risk of sounding cheesy i will say that god LOVES these children.  like really loves them.  and there is no reason why each pair of piercing brown eyes you see in this video should not have a mom or dad that loves, cherishes, provides for and adores them.  

this video was made by a local couple here in SLO who brought their baby boy home two years ago. they made it for the agency we are using for our adoption and much of the footage is shot where our son will come from. 

its all kinds of AMAZING.  but i'm just warning you, it brings the tears in a big way.  tears of joy mostly, tears of  pain, but for me, mostly tears of anticipation.  i cannot wait to hold him.  

in any event, brace yourself.  its beautiful.

AAI Ethiopia from Holly Rodgers on Vimeo.

'one adoption won't change the world, but it will change the world for one child.' 

                                                                                   -AAI mission statement

on a balcony in summer air

the first time i laid eyes on him i was skateboarding to a party with my boyfriend.  i didn't think much about it when we were introduced later in the night.  in the days that followed i put two and two together that they worked together as i went to meet my boyfriend after he got off work.  we exchanged hello's and off we went.

it wasn't till he started coming round for lunch that things changed.

he claims i made excuses to bus the outside tables while he ate. i claim that it was my job, and i'm no slacker.
but the truth was, something clicked.  something physical at least.  who can resist a boy with white blond hair and eyes the color of the bluest sky?  he quickly became known as CCS 2, simply because i was dating CCS 1.

CCS (central coast surfboards) 1 and i were going nowhere very slowly.  he was not interested in being 'tied down' to anything serious and i was rebounding from a failed three year high school boyfriend.  so when CCS 2 invited me to go on a hike, i hesitated for merely a second.

strangely, i remember quite a bit about that trek up bishops.  i remember that he told me he loved surfing and mountain biking and that he had an interesting, and sometimes strained relationship with his mom.  he remembers i took my shirt off and hiked in my sports bra (strangely he can't remember anything we talked about).

i also remember that night i came home and he had left three messages for me.  all of them cute and disheveled.   i remember feeling like samantha baker as she waited for jake ryan to call.

of course i'll never forget the first time he took me to his house.  i was shocked.  never had i seen a house, let alone a college boy's house, so strikingly clean. counters wiped, bed made with hospital corners, and all of his shirts folded like the GAP does.

we got real serious, real fast.

i quickly found out that as much as brandon loved surfing and girls, he loved smoking weed.  it took me longer than it should have to realize that it would someday be our demise.  but in the meantime i held fast to 'if you can't win em, join em.'  let's just say i really sucked at being a stoner.

our first year was filled with sweet notes under my doorstep and on my windshield.  flowers for no reason at all, and long drives holding hands as we listened to music that moved us.  there was no doubt i had fallen head over heels for a tow headed boy from santa cruz.

i remember the first time i realized i was falling in love.  he took me home to meet his parents.  his only warning was, 'my dad is a cop, my mom hated my last girlfriend and my brother is developmentally disabled.' i was prepared for a long, challenging weekend.  but instead, as he navigated his way through the mountain roads to his childhood home, i started to see a side of b i hadn't yet.  the brandon i saw that weekend was the brandon i knew that i would marry.  sure it helped he was stone cold sober, but to see his respect and admiration for his parents made me realize that he would someday love his own family that much.

the next year was scattered with some really fun times.  but as the year came to a close, the down's began to far outweigh the ups, and both of us knew that something had to give.

i was living downtown with a bunch of girls from high school at the time.  my best friend was gone for the summer and i started working at uptown espresso. b would spend the night at my place, while i would wake up at the crack, and open the shop.  b would roll out of bed, smoke a bowl and skateboard down to uptown for a coffee. my once sweet and romantic boyfriend was becoming increasingly annoying.  i couldn't compete with the smoking.  meanwhile, i began to spend more time with my new friend lealah and her boyfriend (now husband) jon.  i saw something in their life that i desperately wanted.  it wasn't just the stability, it was the peace. no changes i tried to implement in my own life or b's for that matter would last.  i began to feel a pull towards something bigger and greater.  so one sunday, i drove over to b's house as he was getting ready to take a load to the dump.  we joke now that i dumped him at the dump. even though at the time it was one of the hardest decisions i ever had to make, it ultimately proved to be one of the best.

b and i took about six months apart to really work on ourselves.  b got rid of his bong, threw his pipe out the window and finally ditched my biggest competition.

it was a hard six months, but so necessary.  b found a faith that he knew fleetingly as a kid, but now in his early 20's was finally able to find his identity in.  i found what i had been looking for my entire life-- a faith in something way bigger than myself or my boyfriend. our journey's were separate, but real.  we went from drinking, smoking, and having sex to nothing.  there were months when we didn't even hug, cuz it was just that hard. we started hanging round more with the "christian's" as we sought to redefine our idea of fun.  slowly but surely, god poured his grace upon us until one day we found ourselves at a private table at the gardens of avila.

and then before i knew it, you got down on your knees, carefully removed the shoes i had colored with a sharpie on the way to dinner, and began to wash my feet.  you shared that this act was a symbol of your love for me.  that you would always serve, love, cherish and protect me.  that as you wash my feet clean we are reminded again of how we have been washed clean and forgiven. that we have been given, by grace, a new start and a new beginning.  and will. you. marry. me?

b, i love that you smell like lemonade in the summer time, and that you call me at least once a day to check in. i love that just last week you cried when our social worker talked to us about our future son, and i love that even after 8 years i still laugh with you every single day.


thank you for being my very best friend.  i love you b.  today and always.  happy anniversary.

and then she was one

i remember it was a sunny day.  


part of me was craving the marine layer.  but it was fall, and the fall in october in los osos always delivers.  not only was it sunny and bright, but it was the middle of the day.  not the morning to get organized, or late afternoon to think about dinner and bedtimes, but smack dab in the middle of laundry, lunchtime, two anxious toddlers and now seven pounds of newborness. 

all i wanted to do was wave a wand and have it all disappear.  the raging pain when i sat down, the demands and cries of the older ones, and the chaos of a house full of guests.  i wanted to lay on the couch alone and let her breathe on my neck while i lost myself somewhere east of eden.

instead i grimaced as i stood, placed the baby in her bouncy seat for what i knew would be the first of too many times, and clocked into the life of my 2.5 and 4 year old.

the day i brought tali home was a hard one.  

to say i was under prepared for three kids would be an understatement.  people kept telling me the change from 2 to 3 is manageable, and really not much different than two.  i'm still pretty sure they were wrong. three kids means you don't fit in most cars, you get invited way less places, and the realization that most of america was designed for a family of four.  

i don't remember much of that first week. there was a lot of trial and error.  it felt like there were too many needs. so many so, that there really was no time for wants. it felt oppressive, and like a haze had descended upon fearn ave. and just when i was beginning to think this was my new reality, one night it clicked.  dinner wasn't chaotic and the kids weren't being babysat by the tv.  we had music on, fall was in the air, and it felt like everyone i finally took a deep breath.  

i was reminded of that night when i turned our calender to october and saw this picture.

  

the other day i saw a baby that small and i suddenly felt light headed and short of breath.  not in a fearful way, but in an exciting sort of way.  since i'm not a baby person, it was weird for me to want to reach out and hold that newborn.  i thought of tali and her little hats and hunched over back and slanted eyes and flailing hands, and i thought, i might actually miss that.

i knew tali would be the last baby i would birth.  as i mentioned, b and i are not newborn sort of people.  we like a good 12 months or so under their belt.  consequentially, i find myself in uncharted territory to have these feelings of sadness over her growing up.  i've always been a what's next sort of parent.  no time to wallow in what has left, the future is just going to be better. but now i find myself telling tali almost daily that i want to fold her back up, put her back in my tummy and do it all over again, cuz she really is JUST. THAT. CUTE.

when i tell people i like her the best or that she's the cutest, they just laugh awkwardly -- and think to themselves 'you are really not supposed to say those sort of things.'  and even though i think i feel that way, don't ever try and tell me she's the cutest, cuz my momma bear will come out claw you for calling my other kids second best.  shelley said it staright to me one day. she told me i don't really love tali more, its just that she can't talk or move much and she's really cute, and the fact that she is going to be my last birthed child creates a unique sentimentality.  it was nice to have that clarity cuz i'm pretty sure your not supposed to have favorites.

so tali june, this little post is for you.  you have brought me more joy than i knew i contained.  i can't imagine life without you.  the fullness you bring my heart as we spoon each morning for your first nurse of the day, the way you light up when i walk in the room, and even the way you pinch the back of my arm till i bruise.  you are your own crazy minitaure person and i pray i'll really be able to relish every moment, of every day i have with you.

you have my heart junebug, today and always.  

first comes love...

this last summer b and i were part of two weddings.  

two very different weddings.  

it had been a long time since we had been in weddings.  it seemed like our first three years of marriage were sprinkled with them every few months.  so much so, that i think we got a bit jaded.  i found myself more caught up in the trivialities of the bridesmaid dresses, the flowers, the food, etc instead of the actual celebration itself.

i got married when i was 23 years old.  to say i understood what i was embarking upon would be a vast understatement.  three months before i graduated from college i found myself engaged with a fiance who was anticipating a wedding a mere six months away.  i threw myself right into the planning.  at the time, i'm sure if someone asked me if i knew what marriage meant and the commitment i was making i would've said yes.   but it really wasn't until just recently that i began to get a sense of an even bigger meaning.

about a week before my good friend jenny's wedding i had this crazy dream. 


i was standing out in front of a high school friend's house that had a huge courtyard in front of it.  jenny and jonathon came around the corner in a black car. they parked and started walking up the courtyard.  they didn't know i was there, and as far as i could tell no one else was around.  they were holding hands as they walked the lengthy and winding pathway to the front door.  suddenly on either side of them these angelic beings appeared and began to sing.  not like hear comes the bride, but a sort of heavenly chorus-- a melody that brings you to your knees in awe, something that doesn't happen this side of heaven.  jenny and jonathon just kept walking as these angels surrounded them almost not really noticing.  i, however was blown away.  


i never have dreams like that. my dreams usually involve my teeth dissolving, or the odd flying dream and once in awhile a good LSD dream (those acronyms our known by only a select few).  so to have this crazy spiritual dream that really was just normal enough to be potentially real, i knew it had to mean something. 


the crazy thing was, was that in the dream i knew it wasn't so much about jenny and jonathon.  cuz it has always been obvious that god was pleased with their union. i, on the other hand was privileged to understand what it really meant as i stood watching them walk amongst these angels.  it was as though for the first time in my life i saw how much god LOVES marriage.  


god loves marriage.


saying that god loves marriage to some of you may sound pretty strange, to others of you its totally obvious.  the way god and jesus talk about marriage in the bible leaves very little room for interpretation.  god esteems it in a way that is almost supernatural.  it is something to be treasured and protected at all cost.  when brandon and i made our vows we included the phrase, 'i will never divorce you.'  at the time making that vow to one another, our family, friends, and god honestly didn't seem that crazy.  we were in love, why would we ever get divorced?


but time goes on, and life gets a lot harder. kids, money, temptations - all of it can seem suffocating.  its been hard to see our friends struggle, its been even harder to walk through our own struggles.  


but after that dream, and with a little help from the ol' love dare, i feel like god has given me a picture of marriage like i've never known.  in that dream, to see god so pleased and so glorified in 'man's union' humbled me.  as a christian, it is our life ambition to glorify god, to know that he is glorified in marriage is revelatory to me.  it inspires and encourages me...  and especially challenges me.  so as i embark upon eight years with brandon, i want to celebrate not only our milestone, but marriage itself and how it can glorify the god we serve.


watch out, i may just slap an ol 'i love my wife' bumper sticker on b's honda.  cuz that's totally hot.  and i'm just that crazy.