goodbye girls

i was quite a bit older than my friends when you finally made your entrance.  i had been waiting, and waiting.

and

waiting.

like all middle school girls, i quickly realized popularity came from one tangible place.

the ta-ta's.

then one day you broke through like a seed bursting into a beautiful sunflower.  well maybe not so much a sunflower as a miniature rose.  in any event i kept waiting for you to make that significant spurt, but much like samantha baker on her 16th birthday,  i realized this was going to be one area god would not be generous with me with.

i won't lie and say it wasn't painful. getting messages written on calculators reading 55378008 (yes upside on a calculator its spells boobless- this was our version of texting) or overhearing, 'she's cute, but she's totally flat.'

flat...

the dreaded word of a high school girl.

and then one day i grew up, and realized guys aren't only interested in boobs.  (actually they are. in fact its ALL they are interested in, but if you are a young reader, i at least did my due diligence).

i got married, got pregnant (yes in that order) and one day i woke up, looked down and thought, 'so this is what all the fuss was about!'

yes, you were huge, beautiful, ginormous, buoyant and....

milky.

that's right.

leaking.  milk.  already.


and there wasn't even a baby.

though this was just the beginning of looks can be deceiving, it sure was enough to make any girl wonder what it would be like...

once the baby came, you began to change even more!  it was miraculous.  truly.  i came home from the hospital and within three days, i seriously was rivaling pam (minus the blond hair and botox).  when b caught sight of you, he practically passed out, but as he went in for a feel, he realized once again... you were not made for him.  hard as rocks and once again... the dreaded leak.

but then you regulated yourself, and we settled into a nice, confident size.  more than proportionate- generous even, and really just lovely.  hearing words like 'rack' instead of 'flat' or 'bijoingas' instead of 'flapjacks' was like music to my ears. you truly were a sight.

and so as our journey comes to a close, i just want to say--we had a good run thelma and louise, you ebbed and flowed so beautifully these last five years of pregnancy and nursing.  you fed my babies and loved my husband in a way he never thought he'd know.  you gave me a glimpse into a life i never thought i'd know...

and so now my little jahoobies, its time to say good bye.  as tali takes her final sips, we bid you farewell.  we've had an amazing run.  and though my badoinkies will once again deflate, i'll remember these years as the best of my life.

au revoir, girls... au revoir.

orphan sunday

sometimes i'm convinced that b and i became missionaries just by watching a video.  

even though one would hope this isn't entirely true, there is no doubt that there is great power in those little 5-8 minute videos set to music.  the images, the words, the music, all have an almost intoxicating effect on me.  and though i would never wish that anyone would make an emotional decision based on a movie, i do want to acknowledge their power.  

the reason i'm posting this video isn't to make you feel guilty or weepy, its to make you aware.  aware that the statistics are staggering.  aware that there is a real, concrete need, and i feel, responsibility.  a responsibility for people everywhere to know what is going on outside our white picket fences.  

this next sunday is orphan sunday.  as anna reminded me yesterday in her blog 'children don't get to choose the life they are born into.'  i know adoption isn't for everyone, there are times when i doubt whether or not its for me. but i do know this-- at the risk of sounding cheesy i will say that god LOVES these children.  like really loves them.  and there is no reason why each pair of piercing brown eyes you see in this video should not have a mom or dad that loves, cherishes, provides for and adores them.  

this video was made by a local couple here in SLO who brought their baby boy home two years ago. they made it for the agency we are using for our adoption and much of the footage is shot where our son will come from. 

its all kinds of AMAZING.  but i'm just warning you, it brings the tears in a big way.  tears of joy mostly, tears of  pain, but for me, mostly tears of anticipation.  i cannot wait to hold him.  

in any event, brace yourself.  its beautiful.

AAI Ethiopia from Holly Rodgers on Vimeo.

'one adoption won't change the world, but it will change the world for one child.' 

                                                                                   -AAI mission statement

on a balcony in summer air

the first time i laid eyes on him i was skateboarding to a party with my boyfriend.  i didn't think much about it when we were introduced later in the night.  in the days that followed i put two and two together that they worked together as i went to meet my boyfriend after he got off work.  we exchanged hello's and off we went.

it wasn't till he started coming round for lunch that things changed.

he claims i made excuses to bus the outside tables while he ate. i claim that it was my job, and i'm no slacker.
but the truth was, something clicked.  something physical at least.  who can resist a boy with white blond hair and eyes the color of the bluest sky?  he quickly became known as CCS 2, simply because i was dating CCS 1.

CCS (central coast surfboards) 1 and i were going nowhere very slowly.  he was not interested in being 'tied down' to anything serious and i was rebounding from a failed three year high school boyfriend.  so when CCS 2 invited me to go on a hike, i hesitated for merely a second.

strangely, i remember quite a bit about that trek up bishops.  i remember that he told me he loved surfing and mountain biking and that he had an interesting, and sometimes strained relationship with his mom.  he remembers i took my shirt off and hiked in my sports bra (strangely he can't remember anything we talked about).

i also remember that night i came home and he had left three messages for me.  all of them cute and disheveled.   i remember feeling like samantha baker as she waited for jake ryan to call.

of course i'll never forget the first time he took me to his house.  i was shocked.  never had i seen a house, let alone a college boy's house, so strikingly clean. counters wiped, bed made with hospital corners, and all of his shirts folded like the GAP does.

we got real serious, real fast.

i quickly found out that as much as brandon loved surfing and girls, he loved smoking weed.  it took me longer than it should have to realize that it would someday be our demise.  but in the meantime i held fast to 'if you can't win em, join em.'  let's just say i really sucked at being a stoner.

our first year was filled with sweet notes under my doorstep and on my windshield.  flowers for no reason at all, and long drives holding hands as we listened to music that moved us.  there was no doubt i had fallen head over heels for a tow headed boy from santa cruz.

i remember the first time i realized i was falling in love.  he took me home to meet his parents.  his only warning was, 'my dad is a cop, my mom hated my last girlfriend and my brother is developmentally disabled.' i was prepared for a long, challenging weekend.  but instead, as he navigated his way through the mountain roads to his childhood home, i started to see a side of b i hadn't yet.  the brandon i saw that weekend was the brandon i knew that i would marry.  sure it helped he was stone cold sober, but to see his respect and admiration for his parents made me realize that he would someday love his own family that much.

the next year was scattered with some really fun times.  but as the year came to a close, the down's began to far outweigh the ups, and both of us knew that something had to give.

i was living downtown with a bunch of girls from high school at the time.  my best friend was gone for the summer and i started working at uptown espresso. b would spend the night at my place, while i would wake up at the crack, and open the shop.  b would roll out of bed, smoke a bowl and skateboard down to uptown for a coffee. my once sweet and romantic boyfriend was becoming increasingly annoying.  i couldn't compete with the smoking.  meanwhile, i began to spend more time with my new friend lealah and her boyfriend (now husband) jon.  i saw something in their life that i desperately wanted.  it wasn't just the stability, it was the peace. no changes i tried to implement in my own life or b's for that matter would last.  i began to feel a pull towards something bigger and greater.  so one sunday, i drove over to b's house as he was getting ready to take a load to the dump.  we joke now that i dumped him at the dump. even though at the time it was one of the hardest decisions i ever had to make, it ultimately proved to be one of the best.

b and i took about six months apart to really work on ourselves.  b got rid of his bong, threw his pipe out the window and finally ditched my biggest competition.

it was a hard six months, but so necessary.  b found a faith that he knew fleetingly as a kid, but now in his early 20's was finally able to find his identity in.  i found what i had been looking for my entire life-- a faith in something way bigger than myself or my boyfriend. our journey's were separate, but real.  we went from drinking, smoking, and having sex to nothing.  there were months when we didn't even hug, cuz it was just that hard. we started hanging round more with the "christian's" as we sought to redefine our idea of fun.  slowly but surely, god poured his grace upon us until one day we found ourselves at a private table at the gardens of avila.

and then before i knew it, you got down on your knees, carefully removed the shoes i had colored with a sharpie on the way to dinner, and began to wash my feet.  you shared that this act was a symbol of your love for me.  that you would always serve, love, cherish and protect me.  that as you wash my feet clean we are reminded again of how we have been washed clean and forgiven. that we have been given, by grace, a new start and a new beginning.  and will. you. marry. me?

b, i love that you smell like lemonade in the summer time, and that you call me at least once a day to check in. i love that just last week you cried when our social worker talked to us about our future son, and i love that even after 8 years i still laugh with you every single day.


thank you for being my very best friend.  i love you b.  today and always.  happy anniversary.

and then she was one

i remember it was a sunny day.  


part of me was craving the marine layer.  but it was fall, and the fall in october in los osos always delivers.  not only was it sunny and bright, but it was the middle of the day.  not the morning to get organized, or late afternoon to think about dinner and bedtimes, but smack dab in the middle of laundry, lunchtime, two anxious toddlers and now seven pounds of newborness. 

all i wanted to do was wave a wand and have it all disappear.  the raging pain when i sat down, the demands and cries of the older ones, and the chaos of a house full of guests.  i wanted to lay on the couch alone and let her breathe on my neck while i lost myself somewhere east of eden.

instead i grimaced as i stood, placed the baby in her bouncy seat for what i knew would be the first of too many times, and clocked into the life of my 2.5 and 4 year old.

the day i brought tali home was a hard one.  

to say i was under prepared for three kids would be an understatement.  people kept telling me the change from 2 to 3 is manageable, and really not much different than two.  i'm still pretty sure they were wrong. three kids means you don't fit in most cars, you get invited way less places, and the realization that most of america was designed for a family of four.  

i don't remember much of that first week. there was a lot of trial and error.  it felt like there were too many needs. so many so, that there really was no time for wants. it felt oppressive, and like a haze had descended upon fearn ave. and just when i was beginning to think this was my new reality, one night it clicked.  dinner wasn't chaotic and the kids weren't being babysat by the tv.  we had music on, fall was in the air, and it felt like everyone i finally took a deep breath.  

i was reminded of that night when i turned our calender to october and saw this picture.

  

the other day i saw a baby that small and i suddenly felt light headed and short of breath.  not in a fearful way, but in an exciting sort of way.  since i'm not a baby person, it was weird for me to want to reach out and hold that newborn.  i thought of tali and her little hats and hunched over back and slanted eyes and flailing hands, and i thought, i might actually miss that.

i knew tali would be the last baby i would birth.  as i mentioned, b and i are not newborn sort of people.  we like a good 12 months or so under their belt.  consequentially, i find myself in uncharted territory to have these feelings of sadness over her growing up.  i've always been a what's next sort of parent.  no time to wallow in what has left, the future is just going to be better. but now i find myself telling tali almost daily that i want to fold her back up, put her back in my tummy and do it all over again, cuz she really is JUST. THAT. CUTE.

when i tell people i like her the best or that she's the cutest, they just laugh awkwardly -- and think to themselves 'you are really not supposed to say those sort of things.'  and even though i think i feel that way, don't ever try and tell me she's the cutest, cuz my momma bear will come out claw you for calling my other kids second best.  shelley said it staright to me one day. she told me i don't really love tali more, its just that she can't talk or move much and she's really cute, and the fact that she is going to be my last birthed child creates a unique sentimentality.  it was nice to have that clarity cuz i'm pretty sure your not supposed to have favorites.

so tali june, this little post is for you.  you have brought me more joy than i knew i contained.  i can't imagine life without you.  the fullness you bring my heart as we spoon each morning for your first nurse of the day, the way you light up when i walk in the room, and even the way you pinch the back of my arm till i bruise.  you are your own crazy minitaure person and i pray i'll really be able to relish every moment, of every day i have with you.

you have my heart junebug, today and always.  

first comes love...

this last summer b and i were part of two weddings.  

two very different weddings.  

it had been a long time since we had been in weddings.  it seemed like our first three years of marriage were sprinkled with them every few months.  so much so, that i think we got a bit jaded.  i found myself more caught up in the trivialities of the bridesmaid dresses, the flowers, the food, etc instead of the actual celebration itself.

i got married when i was 23 years old.  to say i understood what i was embarking upon would be a vast understatement.  three months before i graduated from college i found myself engaged with a fiance who was anticipating a wedding a mere six months away.  i threw myself right into the planning.  at the time, i'm sure if someone asked me if i knew what marriage meant and the commitment i was making i would've said yes.   but it really wasn't until just recently that i began to get a sense of an even bigger meaning.

about a week before my good friend jenny's wedding i had this crazy dream. 


i was standing out in front of a high school friend's house that had a huge courtyard in front of it.  jenny and jonathon came around the corner in a black car. they parked and started walking up the courtyard.  they didn't know i was there, and as far as i could tell no one else was around.  they were holding hands as they walked the lengthy and winding pathway to the front door.  suddenly on either side of them these angelic beings appeared and began to sing.  not like hear comes the bride, but a sort of heavenly chorus-- a melody that brings you to your knees in awe, something that doesn't happen this side of heaven.  jenny and jonathon just kept walking as these angels surrounded them almost not really noticing.  i, however was blown away.  


i never have dreams like that. my dreams usually involve my teeth dissolving, or the odd flying dream and once in awhile a good LSD dream (those acronyms our known by only a select few).  so to have this crazy spiritual dream that really was just normal enough to be potentially real, i knew it had to mean something. 


the crazy thing was, was that in the dream i knew it wasn't so much about jenny and jonathon.  cuz it has always been obvious that god was pleased with their union. i, on the other hand was privileged to understand what it really meant as i stood watching them walk amongst these angels.  it was as though for the first time in my life i saw how much god LOVES marriage.  


god loves marriage.


saying that god loves marriage to some of you may sound pretty strange, to others of you its totally obvious.  the way god and jesus talk about marriage in the bible leaves very little room for interpretation.  god esteems it in a way that is almost supernatural.  it is something to be treasured and protected at all cost.  when brandon and i made our vows we included the phrase, 'i will never divorce you.'  at the time making that vow to one another, our family, friends, and god honestly didn't seem that crazy.  we were in love, why would we ever get divorced?


but time goes on, and life gets a lot harder. kids, money, temptations - all of it can seem suffocating.  its been hard to see our friends struggle, its been even harder to walk through our own struggles.  


but after that dream, and with a little help from the ol' love dare, i feel like god has given me a picture of marriage like i've never known.  in that dream, to see god so pleased and so glorified in 'man's union' humbled me.  as a christian, it is our life ambition to glorify god, to know that he is glorified in marriage is revelatory to me.  it inspires and encourages me...  and especially challenges me.  so as i embark upon eight years with brandon, i want to celebrate not only our milestone, but marriage itself and how it can glorify the god we serve.


watch out, i may just slap an ol 'i love my wife' bumper sticker on b's honda.  cuz that's totally hot.  and i'm just that crazy.

in process

i've been wondering for awhile when i'd finally feel ready to share this with y'all. it feels strange to sum you guys up as 'you all.' cuz as i've written before, i'm not sure who a lot of you are.

but i do know this--

some of you are my closest friends. friends who know what i've written before i've even written it. some of you are friends i've known forever, and maybe we don't talk everyday, but we've shared an intimacy that could never be broken. and then some of you are people i've known since i was a kid, who maybe i haven't talked to since then, but we are connected nonetheless through our past. and then there are those of you whom i've never met, or don't know at all, but find yourself here from time to time. and so here i am, ready to share with you what's been taking up a lot of my writing time, and really, just time in general.

i wrote this a few months back...

june.

for a long time, it felt like this long, far off month that would probably never come. then one day i woke up, and it was june 6th and i thought, i guess this is finally the day.

i guess it felt like there should be some sort of ribbon cutting ceremony, or i should've spent the day fasting and praying, or at the least told my husband i finally sent the email. but i didn't.

its not like it was a haste decision. brandon and i have known for a long time that our family wasn't complete. like most decisions, we weighed a lot. how would this impact our kids? how would it impact our community? how would it impact our marriage? or harder, are we good enough? are we holy, or perfect, or together enough to take this on?

and though more often than not the answer was no, we pressed on. like all things there is an unspoken measure of faith that we could never began to describe. we can think it, plan it, picture it, but in the end the call has been made, the email has been sent.

the process begins.'

the rodgers family is officially in process.

the adoption process.

i finally realized it was time when it occurred to me that the secretary at my son's school knew, and my neighbor who i barely speak to found out, and when the lady at the post office looked at me knowingly as i brought her yet more correspondence.

for a long time i felt super guarded about it. even though i would tell people if they asked, i rarely volunteered the information. i found myself torn when someone would ask, 'so, are you guys done???' cuz on one hand we are done, as in, i'm done birthing children, but is our family complete? ... no. so an explanation would eventually ensue and somehow complete strangers came to know that we were adopting.

it was strange for me to have this secret, cuz if you know me at all, i'm pretty much an open book (as if this blog wasn't evidence enough). but something about this felt different. when i spoke to emily about it for the first time, i felt like i finally got some clarity. when i finished telling her, she told me it reminded her of when the shepherds came to visit after jesus's birth. obviously not in the sense that i'm anywhere close to mary, and our son is the savior of the world, but more so in these words, 'but mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.' (luke 2:19). even though it was crazy exciting for mary, she wasn't jumping from the rooftops proclaiming the news. and for once, that's how i felt. this was just our thing... at least for a little while.

but as we got further along and more was required, i realized the time had come. we are only 4 months in, and its way more (paper)work, and appointments, and just general time than i could've imagined. but with each new form, or email, or fax we know we are one step closer to finalizing our family, and that makes it sooo worth it.

so from time to time i will update you on what's happening with this. at one time i thought i would create a separate blog for the adoption with lealah (who is also adopting-she's just a wee bit behind us), but who am i kidding, i can barely keep this one up! and she's got like 6 jobs and 2 kids of her own. time is not abundant for either of us. one day maybe...

in the meantime there will be bits and pieces, here and there. i will share some of our triumphs, and failures, and our heartbreaks and victories. if you can find it in your heart, i ask only one thing, please pray for us. for him. for lily, ozzy and tali. as all of our worlds begin to change... this is, hands down, the biggest leap of faith we have ever taken and we will need support like we've never known.

thank you.

now i wish this was called webster

i know i've been a bit out of the loop lately. you'll have to trust me... i have been writing. i really have. and i'm super excited to share with you more about what's been happening with me (as if that's more possible, right?) anyway, its gonna be a bit longer. but i think you'll like it. i really do.

in the meantime, i'm getting back to some tickled to meet you tuesdays... or wednesdays, or whatever day i can get it out.

now that school's in full swing, i've been thinking a bit about my own school days. i remember each year i turned a year older, my dad upped my curfew about a half hour. this proved to be very effective for all the tv i watched. now thursdays, i could watch the cosby show, and a different world. exciting stuff huh?!

but i'm not gonna bore you with my psycho-analysis on why the cosby show could've been the greatest show of all time. instead, we are going to focus on a one hit wonder that aired every monday night on nbc for 4 sweet years.

one word.

ALF.

no, that's not what he looked like, i just couldn't resist

i just **googled** the show and got waaay more information about it than i could've ever wanted on wikipedia. now i feel not only embarrassed, but overwhelmed at the depth behind a funny puppet dude. i'm kind of starting to wonder if vicki was even real after reading this. all i know is i definitely side with this quote... 'fusco (the puppeteer) was secretive about his character up until the series premiere. during the shows production, fusco refused to acknowledge that the puppet ALF was anything other than an alien. all involved with the production were cautioned not to give away any of ALF's secrets.'

that's pretty hard core. i love a good thespian who won't break character.

then i read this quote, 'cast interviews since the show ended have revealed a few details about making the series: to make room for the puppeteers, the entire set was built on a raised platform with dozens of trapdoors in the floor. the trapdoors had to be reset multiple times, sometimes during a single scene, forcing them to shoot each episode over the course of several hours and without a studio audience.'

imagine spending an afternoon at one of those tapings...

and then this, 'the production of ALF was technically difficult and demanding. all four lead actors – Max Wright (Willie Tanner), Anne Schedeen (Kate Tanner), Andrea Elson (Lynn Tanner) and Ben Hertzberg, also known as Benji Gregory (Brian Tanner) – have conceded a high level of tension on the set.'

surprise, surprise.

^{which didn't shock me when i finished with this, 'in the series finale ALF is about to be rescued by}

other survivors of his home planet, but is instead captured by the American military, and the viewer is left to ponder ALF's ultimate fate. this was not supposed to be the finale, as the original airing ended on a "To Be Continued" note. the producers supposedly had a verbal agreement with NBC to get at least one more episode to resolve the cliffhanger. NBC never made good on the deal, and the series was canceled. however, the story was concluded in the TV-movie project ALF.'

so i know that's way more information than you ever wanted to know about that fuzzy buddy. but after all this, i now know that if i had to choose one fictional character i would adopt into my extended family, it would definitely be ALF. simply because ET is so 1982, and vicki is a total freak-- even if she is now an OB nurse and went to college with one of my friends.

so with that said, i wanna know, which fictional character would you choose to adopt into your extended family to make gatherings more interesting?

oh and i'm pretty sure i'm gonna get this tattoo...

**do yourself a favor and do not google image ALF. its pretty intense.**